Jambo, boys and girls! Byron the Quokka here. Are you ready to rock? Are you ready to roll? Or would you rather just stretch out on the couch and watch the fabulous TV shows that we’ve lined up for you? Like these, for instance:
7 P.M. Ch. 41 LADDIE THE GATOR–Drama (of a sort)
This show was an attempt to one-up Lassie–if a collie can do it, surely an alligator can! This week: Laddie has to figure out the combination of the lock before Grandpa Jeb (Jose Cuervo) suffocates inside the airtight steamer trunk. And the June Taylor Dancers (themselves) keep distracting him! Grandma: Cheryl Ladd. Fritz the Alpaca: Himself.
Ch. 54 NEWS FOR NUDES–News & commentary
Everyone seen in this broadcast is stark naked! (You’ll be amazed by how en-erotic that can be!) Tonight: Anchorman Ted Koppel gets stuck to his chair, Sen. Mitch McConnell delivers a speech from his shower, and Buffalo City Councilwoman Mandy Pumps freezes to death, leading a protest march.
7:30 P.M. Ch. 08 TOM DUNG, PRIVATE EYE–Crime drama
The world’s most accident-prone private detective (Yuan Shih-Kai) finds his life in danger after he falls into an open man-hole. Can Junior (Roy Rogers) pull him out? Or will Junior fall in, too? Criminal Who Gets Away: H.P. Lovecraft. Song: “I’m in the Mood for a Blubber Sandwich.”
7:38 P.M. Ch. 09 MOVIE–Unbearable suspense
In “I Wake Up in High School” (Latvian, 1967: 364 minutes)), Moe Howard stars as noted physicist Hector Lopez (with the real Hector Lopez playing the real Moe Howard), grappling with tainted orange juice supplied by the KGB. Mrs. Malloy: Susan Anton. Russian Chess Master: Joe Besser. Larry and Curly: Themselves. Is this how time travel was invented?
8 P.M. Ch. 22 LASSO THIS!–Western drama
Trail boss Ingemar Thorlaksson (Willie Mosconi) can’t figure out why his herd of longhorns keeps disappearing on the way to Peking. Could it be because he keeps driving them into the Pacific Ocean, mistaking it for Butler’s Creek in Kansas? Chief drover Rowdy Patel (Rod Stewart) tries to convince him to drive the herd to Dodge City instead. Mrs. Abernathy: a member of the studio audience. Gerald: He’s outside on the sidewalk.
Well! I’ll betcha anything you’ll want to see every show we’ve got! I think I saw Mrs. Abernathy in a movie once. It was one of those samurai movies, with Shakespeare.
Hurry up with those snacks! You don’t want to miss anything! Byron the Quokka signing off.
7:38 P.M. Ch. 09 MOVIE–Unbearable suspense – I’m down with anything to do with time travel.
Do they have that in Arkansas? They won’t let us do it in New Jersey.