Byron’s TV Listings, April 1

G’day, g’day! And welcome to another weekend of fantabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University, arranged by me, Byron the Quokka. Here’s a mere sample of our glorious menu.

7 P.M.   Ch. 09   SHADOOF!–Classic sitcom

The man they call “Shadoof” (Clint Walker) doesn’t know what that word means, and neither does anybody else. You won’t know, either. Tonight: Shadoof gets caught up in a illegal gumball racket. Mr. Big: Linda Hunt. Zorro: Fernando Lamas. (We don’t have any shadoofs on Rottnest Island, so don’t ask me what it is!)

Ch. 12   BASEBALL–New York Yankee Rejects vs. Parkville Home for the Aged

Red-hot prospects who never made the team take on 80-plus-year-olds at Municipal Landfill Stadium. Announcers: Gary Abdel-Shawabti, Stammerin’ Joe Jugurtha, Marcel Marceau. Sponsored by Magma-Fest Beer, “When you’re having more than six.”

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 22   SUPER-SNAIL–Adventure

Incompetent gardener Hector Oops (Sir John Gielgud), bitten by a were-snail, develops snail-like attributes and launches into a career of slow-motion crime-stopping! Tonight: Have the June Taylor Dancers (Themselves, the whole gang of them) kidnapped a man who’s stayed awake too long? Super-Snail investigates!

7:41 P.M.   Ch. 36   COMPULSIVE LIAR NEWS–News & commentary

Not a single word of it is true! Anchor Roger Dimmsdale (not his real name) interviews a man who falsely claims to be President Lyndon Johnson. Consumer reporter Ellen Melon (not her real name, and she’s not a real reporter) pans bathroom products that do not in fact exist–Dran-O For Kids and Newman’s Own Borax Shampoo.

8 P.M.   Ch. 61   MOVIE–Almost-classic film noir

Some guy from my high school class stars as private eye Ogden Nash in “I Live Face-Down, You Crummy Clown” (Tibetan, 1969: 22 minutes). Set in a Florida alligator farm, “the rhyming detective” tries to nab a serial murder (Debbie Reynolds) before she can qualify for a guest spot on “Hollywood Squares.” Host: Peter Marshall. Widely-condemned music by Joe Frazier and the Knockouts.

So there you have it–better stock up on goodies before the shows start!

On my way to get more scrumptious leaves!