Byron’s TV Listings (Aug. 5)

TV Guide October 31-Nov 6 1981 (1) - Flashbak

Greetings, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of fabulous TV, guaranteed to break out into euphoria. Here’s a sample of our menu:

2:37 P.M.  Ch. 86  MOVIE–Drama like you wouldn’t believe

What if Hamlet (Don Wilson), instead of being Prince of Denmark, was a Wall Street trader with a dodgy coccyx? In “Float My Boat, Forsooth,” (Russian, with Flemish subtitles, 1977, 455 minutes) Hamlet and Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone’s barber) team up to cheat the IRS–which they think stands for the Icelandic Rug Society. Dr. Spinach: Mary Worth.

2:45 P.M.  Ch. 08   BASEBALL: YANKEES vs. LUNATICS–Sports

Join Otto Hackengnauer and Kaluma Ha’ayona in the broadcast booth for this New York City baseball showdown! Can barking-at-the-moon nut-cases defeat a team of overpriced free agents who’ve seen better days… a long time ago? Pre-game show: Man being chased by spiders.


What happens when you mix nervous, even terrified contestants with heavy machinery that might not be safe to use? Pure mayhem, pure fun! Join host Jane Lizard and the June Taylor Dancers as they cart off the wounded. Featured: Oskar the Human Sausage and his band, The Grifters.

Ch. 33  LEAVE IT TO SMEDLY–Unwholesome sitcom

When a family of skinwalkers move into Amunhotep Township, New Jersey, younger son Smedly (Jimmy Putin) puts everyone at risk by changing into a monster halfway through his 5th grade Social Studies class. Ms. Hogment (Maggie Smith). Little girl who’s worse than a skinwalker: Name Withheld.

4 P.M.  Ch. 60   NEWS WITH UNCLE GESUNT–News, sort of

Now the popular kids’ show host anchors his own news show! Pitched to three-year-olds, Uncle Gesunt uses baby-talk to report appalling news from all over the world! And also lots of exclamation points! Special feature for adults: Mizz Debbie’s Happy Drinks!

I’m sure those are enough to get you started. I don’t know about you, but those skinwalkers crack me up. They wouldn’t last ten minutes in our Outback.

Is the Quokka a Real Animal? |

Say hello to my cousins, Omar and Lucy–big fans of “Dangerous Machinery”!

6 comments on “Byron’s TV Listings (Aug. 5)

  1. As usual, Byron, you’ve done it again. Main thing is, though, seeing you in all your cuteness.

  2. If Uncle Gesunt is a quokka, I’ll watch his show first and always! (Exclamation points and all.) I’d watch the Hamlet movie if it were only 440 minutes, but 455 is just too much. I want to leave some time for the Yankees-Lunatics game, although I’m not sure I’d be able to tell the teams apart without a scorecard. Great TV lineup as always, Byron!

  3. There is a lot of strange stuff here, so I hope you don’t mind if I add a bit more.

    I wanted to become a member of a co op here in the Philippines, but I found out, I needed to be Filipino or married to one, but my Filipino wife had passed away. In my frustration I wrote this.

    So, I guess I have to get married again. I am much wiser now, so next time, I am going to marry two, so if something happens to one of them, I will have a replacement. I will probably have to go with a younger woman, as you know, as all things age, they wear out, break down, or don’t work as well as they once did, and repairs can be costly. Memory fades, and at times a new coat of paint needs to be applied. Moreover, at times, older women develop a mind of their own, and refuse to comply with orders and commands given. They also become very skilled with frying pans, after many years of throwing them at their husbands during arguments.

    Another option I have heard about, is the “Rent a Wife” Foundation. They have a lot of makes, models, and sizes to choose from. And all models come with a detailed, 19,000-page instruction manual. I really liked the small compact size I had the first time, so, I will go with that size once again. There are short- or long-term rental options. There’s one, lovingly called, the 10-day test companion. And the option to rent, with marriage after just 10 years. The best choice seems to be the younger models, for they come with a two-year replacement or repair warranty, if there is a failure or breakdown.

    Well, I am off to get my catalog of the models to choose from. If I get there early enough, there may still be some, right there on the showroom floor, and I can rent one and take her home right away.

    Then, off to fill out my membership form.

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