Tag: ridiculous TV shows

Byron’s TV Listings, April 12

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, taking over for Lee, who can’t keep track of what day it is.

Well, once your TV’s on, who needs to keep track of anything? Here are a few of this weekend’s offerings from Quokka University.

Saturday

11:45 a.m.   Ch. 46  THE MAN FROM ASHSKHABAD–Unbearable Suspense

Agents Sucrose (John Gavin) and Glucose (Barbara Bain) keep getting taken for chemicals found inside the human body! (Otherwise feeble intro saved by exclamation point!) President Pong: Arnold Stang.  First Lady: 6’8″ Wilma Dilmun. You’ve gotta see the two of them dancing!

3:05 p.m.   Ch. 14   GORILLATOWN–Western starring gorillas instead of people

They laughed at Pokeweed Studios when they put up the money for this series. Imagine! An Old West town, just west of Hibachi, TX, inhabited solely by gorillas! President Grant (Chiang-To Hsu) doesn’t know what to do about it. Neither do the screenwriters.

3:30 p.m.   Ch. 04   MOVIE–Horror from Keansburg, NJ

In The Hideous Scary Monster, Sir John Gielgud and Huntz Hall teamed up for one of 1953’s least notable movies, in which they play a pair of kindergarten teachers who share a dreadful secret. SPOILER ALERT: They never tell you what the secret is, so the hell; with ’em.

4:56 p.m.   Ch. 12   PHIL MCDONOHUESKY–Talk show

Tired of hearing about your favorite celebrities? Well, so is Phil! That’s why the studio audience is allowed to pelt the guest with pies, shoes, and beer bottles. Don’t worry: in-house medics are standing by. This week: Jennifer Anniston, Joy Behar, Steven Spielberg.

Well, folks, how do you like those shows? What a way to pass a rainy day!

Your daily reminder to 😊 #quokka #quokkas #animallovers ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off

Byron’s TV Listings (Aug. 5)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide October 31-Nov 6 1981 (1) - Flashbak

Greetings, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of fabulous TV, guaranteed to break out into euphoria. Here’s a sample of our menu:

2:37 P.M.  Ch. 86  MOVIE–Drama like you wouldn’t believe

What if Hamlet (Don Wilson), instead of being Prince of Denmark, was a Wall Street trader with a dodgy coccyx? In “Float My Boat, Forsooth,” (Russian, with Flemish subtitles, 1977, 455 minutes) Hamlet and Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone’s barber) team up to cheat the IRS–which they think stands for the Icelandic Rug Society. Dr. Spinach: Mary Worth.

2:45 P.M.  Ch. 08   BASEBALL: YANKEES vs. LUNATICS–Sports

Join Otto Hackengnauer and Kaluma Ha’ayona in the broadcast booth for this New York City baseball showdown! Can barking-at-the-moon nut-cases defeat a team of overpriced free agents who’ve seen better days… a long time ago? Pre-game show: Man being chased by spiders.

3 P.M.  Ch. 14   THE DANGEROUS MACHINERY GAME–Game show

What happens when you mix nervous, even terrified contestants with heavy machinery that might not be safe to use? Pure mayhem, pure fun! Join host Jane Lizard and the June Taylor Dancers as they cart off the wounded. Featured: Oskar the Human Sausage and his band, The Grifters.

Ch. 33  LEAVE IT TO SMEDLY–Unwholesome sitcom

When a family of skinwalkers move into Amunhotep Township, New Jersey, younger son Smedly (Jimmy Putin) puts everyone at risk by changing into a monster halfway through his 5th grade Social Studies class. Ms. Hogment (Maggie Smith). Little girl who’s worse than a skinwalker: Name Withheld.

4 P.M.  Ch. 60   NEWS WITH UNCLE GESUNT–News, sort of

Now the popular kids’ show host anchors his own news show! Pitched to three-year-olds, Uncle Gesunt uses baby-talk to report appalling news from all over the world! And also lots of exclamation points! Special feature for adults: Mizz Debbie’s Happy Drinks!

I’m sure those are enough to get you started. I don’t know about you, but those skinwalkers crack me up. They wouldn’t last ten minutes in our Outback.

Is the Quokka a Real Animal? | Snopes.com

Say hello to my cousins, Omar and Lucy–big fans of “Dangerous Machinery”!

Byron’s TV Listings, April 16

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide – Saturday, March 24, 1979 – Retro Hound

G’day! I’m  busier than a one-armed paper-hanger this morning! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of fabulous TV from Quokka University. And we had a close call bringing this to you, too! The networks almost got us.

Here are just a few samples from our scrumptious TV menu.

3:00 P.M.  Ch. 11   CHILDREN OF LUST–Damnfool soap opera

Petunia (Queen Elizabeth II) has an affair with the parking lot valet (Misterogers), while Mayor McGlue (Paul Anka) gives in to his morbid fascination with Boise, Idaho. Judge Judy: Tina Louise. Terrifyingly tall woman: Linda Hunt.

Ch. 33  THE BLIND, FEEBLE, CHICKEN-HEARTED SWORDSMAN–Action/Adventure

Need help? Don’t go to Hashimoto-san (William Shatner)! A young widow in desperate straits (Heather Locklear) seeks Hashimoto’s protection against a sadistic, powerful nobleman (Barry Manilow)… and the blind samurai can’t remember where he left his sword. With Inigo Montoya and his orchestra.

3:20 P.M.  Ch. 23  TALK OF THE TOWN–Interviews

Jimmy Fraud interviews a man whose cousin once met someone on a bus who’d seen a man who looked just like Uncle Fester from The Addams Family at a terminal somewhere in either Kentucky or Nevada, whatever. Also: Mrs. Fimbo demonstrates how to make a mess of your kitchen. Theme song: “I Busted My Coccyx”

4 P.M.  Ch. 16   MOVIE–Science Fiction

In “Tumbleweeds from Rigel IV” (Indian-Albanian, 2008), the June Taylor Dancers investigate reports of carnivorous tumbleweeds depopulating a sleepy little Western town that hasn’t changed since 1898 and still has cowboys and stuff. Special effects by idiots make it scary! Sheriff Hansen: Chiang Kai-shek. Sinister Space Alien: Himself (they found a real one!)

Ch. 48  TIO BORRACHO–Sitcom/Tragedy

You don’t have to understand Spanish to understand this one-of-a-kind Panamanian TV series. No one else understands it, either–including the actors and the writers. This week: Tio Borracho (Andy Devine) stumbles into a plate glass window and destroys it; and his ex-wife Matilda (Alice Faye) scolds him relentlessly in French–a language which he does not speak. Special guest star: H.P. Lovecraft

Well! If that doesn’t whet your TV appetite, I don’t know what will.

988 Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

Byron the Quokka, signing off–and sharing a tasty root with my little cousin Ptolemy.