Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 23

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with TV like you won’t believe, brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a slight sampling of this weekend’s offerings.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 42  2008 MISS DUCK-BILL PAGEANT–Beauty contest

Judges Sandy Duncan and Toshiro Mifune try to decide which duck-billed platypus shall wear the crown! We have added exclamation points to stave off boredom! Intermission: the June Taylor Dancers done up as dancing duckbills!

Ch. 56   NEWS WITH NIGHT TERRORS–(To help you stay awake)

The Channel 56 News Crew, aka “the Body Bags,” have collected the most grisly, gruesome news stories and aimed them right at you: scare your pants off, no foolin’. You might never sleep again… once the Boyly Street Ear-Biting Strangler is spotted in your neighborhood. Anchor: Richard Simmons.

7:15 P.M.  Ch. 06   BATTLESHIP BINGO–Game show, sort of

They laughed when Austria re-activated its legendary battleship, the ORS Scheiffenhausendonnerwetter, but they’re not laughing now: “Bingo On Board the ORS Scheiffenhausendonnervetter With Guns Blazing” is now the No. 1 hit show in EU countries that still have battleships! Host: Shamus Flannagan. Featured: Very large insects as hors d’oeuvres. (Spell that right and win your own battleship)

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 14   MOVIE–Excursion into rare Kazakhstan folklore

We were lucky to get Yorgi and the Stinking Vampires (Kazakh-Indian, 1998: 716 minutes and 12 seconds): only 14 copies of it survive. Often praised as Olffy Watermelon’s directorial masterpiece, we all know the story of the nomad princess who wanted to be a charter boat captain but couldn’t, because of vampires. Col. Yevtukov: Jim Swink. Wise Woman: Sharleen Fong.

Well, that should be enough to get you started. It’s certainly enough for me.

Nothing like a nice green leaf to get you through a movie! Byron the Quokka, signing off.