Category: Just for Fun

More Democracy! REPRINT

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All Star Game Ballots

From September 1, 2021

 

The Blue State Fund for Unity has announced a new plan to make America’s national elections more Democratic… er, I mean “democratic.”

“We got the idea from the way they used to vote for the baseball All-Star game years ago, before computers,” said BSFU Commissar Royce Squeegee: “Grab as many ballots as you can and stay up all night filling ’em out–a great way to get your favorite players onto the team! Even better than the way they voted this year, on line.”

So what is the new idea?

“Phone-in voting!” burbled Squeegee. “Even better than mail-in voting, because we won’t need drop boxes. Anybody with a cell phone can call in as many votes as he wants! What could be more democracy than that?”

California is in line, he said, to be the first state to demonstrate the ineffable desirability of phone-in voting. “Once we overwhelmingly vote Gavin Newsom back into the governor’s mansion, the whole country will follow. I tell ya, blue state governors are already licking their chops over this!

“And if you don’t have a cell phone,” he added, “the Democratic Party will give you one–free! Along with another COVID vaccination, just to sweeten the pot.”

Squeegee rejected the argument that this will lead to bogus elections with millions of more votes than voters. “There’s no such thing as too much voting!” he howled. “We ran a computer simulation that showed 700 million votes for President Biden.

“This is a fundamental transformation to top ’em all!”

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 25 REPRINT

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From September 25, 2021

What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

Blimey! The next time I do this, it’ll be October!

G’day, this is Byron the Quokka with another weekend’s worth of glorious TV brought to you by the sages at Quokka University. If there’s not a game of Clue going in your neighborhood, these shows are the next best thing.

5:45 P.M.  Ch. 41   TALK LIKE ELMER FUDD!–Educational

John Gielgud’s family and friends seriously considered having him put away while he was doing this series for Josip P. Broz’s People’s Public Television. Once he got started talking like Elmer Fudd, he couldn’t stop! For a good while there, it endangered his career. Featured guests: Anthony Quinn, Irene Ryan.

6 P.M.  Ch. 08   UNCONTROLLED RAVING ABOUT SPORTS–Sports

Caspar Hoojah does himself an injury as he overreacts to this week’s news in sports! Last week he jumped out his studio’s second-floor window because the Yankees got yanked. This week, who knows? The walls of his studio have since been padded: we’ll see if that keeps him out of the hospital. With R.D. Laing and his orchestra.

Ch. 16  MOVIE–Steamy Jungle Romance

In “Steaming Jungle Passion” (1996), Prof. Gargle (Leonard Bernstein) leads an expedition into the Amazon rain forest in search of Batboy (Frank Buttocks)–only to discover a long-lost city of maniacs ruled by fantastically beautiful women, all of whom want the professor and will do anything to get him! Boobah: Ellen Burstyn. Crowd of lunatics: the June Taylor Dancers. Song: “Itchy Jungle Disease”

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 12  CTHULHU & CO.–Cartoons

Inspired by the horror tales of H. P. Lovecraft, these cartoons are guaranteed to freak you out! Many viewers require long-term psychiatric therapy after just one or two exposures. Others, we regret to say, join disreputable cults. Host: Uncle Jack Torrance. Puppets: Beto O’Rourke, Elizabeth Warren.

Ch. 52  “YOUR MOVE, STUPID!”–Game Show

Can you play Monopoly, poker, checkers, and Candy Land at the same time? Our celebrity contestants will try to do just that, rushing from table to table as the overhead Monster Clock ticks away… Raul Castro this week puts his title on the line against The Dixie Chicks, Dan Rather, and Barney Rubble. Host: a disembodied head floating in a jar, we don’t know whose.

Well, mates, there you go! Maybe you should record some of these, in case Q.U. ever has to open its doors and start teaching courses. But for the time being, it’s party time!

World's happiest animal', the quokka, becomes the most popular tourist attraction at Australia's Rottnest Island

Quokkas’ Home Movies REPRINT

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From July 13, 2019

I’m beginning to fear that maybe this quokka stuff is getting out of hand; but then I’m getting killed with allergies today, so what do I know?

See if you can spot Byron in the crowd of neighbors, friends, and relatives. Some of them will be getting together to play Bell Mountain Trivia later tonight.

I have to go to bed. I feel awful.

I Has red Hillery’s Book! REPRINT

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From December 1, 2017

I has jist finnished reeding Hillery’s book its caled Waht Hapened and its “al abote” how she “got” cheeted Out “of” being Pressadint by al them Rushins thay was workin For Donold Trumpt and aslo al them De-Plorrables thay are Haters and thay dint want no Wimmim Pressadint,

Wel i tel yiu that boook It is Dynomight! it is so grate i jist had have to writ her a Letter and “hear” it is!!

Deer Hillery i am a Interllectural hear at Collidge and al us intrallecturals we Wanted Yiu “to” be pressadint and we jist abote dyed wehn it turned Out yiu got cheeted out of It! yiu are a godess! and i red yore book and itis so Grate grate grate!!! Thare was a lot Of werds in it I didnt under Stand them al and i thinked you spelt a few of them Rong but at this poynt Wat dose it Matter?? anyway i amb riting To “tel” yiu Dont be Sad we stil wants Yiu to be Pressadint and we wil Not “stop” untill you Are pressadint and al them hatful peple thay stink who dint Vote “four” yiu thay al in Jale “whith” al the Climbit Chainge De-Nyers tooo!! i has Moth Antenners in Case yiu are intersted in that and aslo i has got Yore “pitchure” taped up in my Gender Studies prefessers toool shed that Is “ware” i sleeep at nite! i amb seure Yiu wil Feeel “beter” wen yiu know al Us Interllecturals we Are be-Hind you 100000 Persent!!! Yore frend Joe Collidge!!! PS do yiu like Hankerchifs i amb saving A “nice one” jist fore Yiu!!!

Now al I has to do is figre Out ware to “get” a Stamp so i can male it!!

A Midnight Surprise REPRINT

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From August 21, 2014

Hi! Mr. Nature here, this time with a startling encounter.

Now I know some of you who live in normal parts of the country are going to wonder why I’m making such a big deal of this. Well, this is the central Jersey suburbs. Democrats rule here, and the natural world is always in their crosshairs. We here don’t expect to see much wildlife.

So there I was, outside in my chair, enjoying a last pipe before bedtime, when I heard a rustling of the leaves in a nearby tree. It sounded like squirrels, but they’re not up so late. Could it be a possum?

Then I heard the sound of claws on bark, and down the tree-trunk, face-first (a cat would climb down tail-first), shinnied a great big raccoon. He climbed up the adjacent tree, whose branches overhang my chair. I know it’s silly to be afraid of a raccoon, but I kept thinking “rabies, maybe?”, so I got up and moved back a few steps.

The raccoon tight-roped out on a branch and looked me in the eye. He messed around in that tree for several minutes before climbing back down. He paused to treat me to another staring contest, then turned and ambled off into the night.

Yeah, OK, sure, it’s not a leopard or something. But it’s been over 30 years since I’ve seen a raccoon in this neighborhood, so I was a bit excited. (I’d just watched some X Files, but I’m sure that had no influence on my state of mind.) Again I thought of the world of Bell Mountain, where long-gone animals turn up as a sign from God.

We could use a sign, these days. But then Jesus Christ Himself is our sign, and God will not detract from His Son. For the Jews require a sign, and the Greeks seek after wisdom: but we preach Christ crucified, unto the Jews a stumblingblock, and unto the Greeks foolishness; but unto them which are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God, and the wisdom of God. I Corinthians 1:22-24

There’s nothing a raccoon can tell us that the Holy Spirit hasn’t already tried to tell us.

More Sufferings of Dave

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For Fun: Did I read that right? REPRINT

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From June 20, 2013

Did  I read that sign correctly?
TOILET  OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR  BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC  WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES  OUT           (??????)

In a London department store:
BARGAIN  BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In  an office:
WOULD  THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK  OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Continue Reading “For Fun: Did I read that right? REPRINT” →

‘Jurassic Park’ or Laurel and Hardy? REPRINT

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From May 12, 2013

Which movie is a more telling metaphor for the secular humanist enterprise–Jurassic Park or Laurel and Hardy in The Music Box?

In Jurassic Park we see what happens when very smart people with unlimited money behind them think that if they spend enough money, and employ powerful technology, they can do anything, no matter how impossible it seems. Says the park’s owner, John Hammond (played by Richard Attenborough), “Creation is an act of will!”

Well, yeah–if you’re God. Otherwise it’s just a bunch of idiots playing God and getting into trouble. Hammond’s motto is, “We spared no expense.” As if you could buy omnipotence.

In The Music Box–released in 1932, and going on to win an Oscar–Laurel and Hardy have to transport a piano to a house located atop a very long and very steep flight of concrete steps. Actually, this could have been done fairly easily. But Stan and Ollie continually create their own problems, defeating themselves at every turn. It’s only 30 minutes long, and if you haven’t seen it, you’ve missed one of the funniest half-hours ever filmed.

But the lesson is that problems that could be solved don’t get solved–not when the people handling those problems are nitwits. With God all things are possible. With the current leaders of the Western world, no things are possible.  Laurel and Hardy’s piano-moving business has expanded to branch offices in Washington, Brussels, Peking, and every other world capital. What they did to Billy Gilbert‘s living room, their descendants in Congress are doing to our national economy.

Every so often, the wheels fall off the humanist go-kart, and we get a world war or a depression. Sorta like the dinosaurs getting loose in Jurassic Park and eating everybody. And what do we hear from our leaders? The same as we hear from John Hammond: “Next time it’ll be perfect!”

And if that doesn’t work, they can always fall back on, “Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!”

My Enhanced Bio REPRINT

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Here are a couple of my friends at Arthur’s court. They let you take pictures now.

From September 4, 2015

I read somewhere that an author can sell more books if he’s had an interesting life. I have decided that makes sense. Herewith is my enhanced biography, full of stuff you never knew about me.

I was born at an undisclosed location, and it was not until recently that I learned my true origins, which I am not at liberty to disclose. To know that I walked the earth would be a mortal disappointment to a certain powerful government.

I was a Navy Seal when they were still known as Walruses. You could look it up. In 1968 we kidnapped Mao Tse-tung, but the White House made us give him back. This incident made me cynical, so I quit government service and went on to visit countries that are not supposed to exist, but do.

For two years I advised the Steward of Gondor, and if he’d taken my advice, they would’ve all saved themselves a lot of trouble.  I have been a vacuum cleaner salesman in Narnia, not one of my more lucrative enterprises, and an estate manager for Lord Greystoke, aka Tarzan of the Apes, in the country just north of Opar–places you won’t find on any map.

I have learned the name of him who comes when you whistle for him, O my lad, and I have visited most of the royal courts mentioned in The Mabinogion. At the court of Arthur, Kay threatened to expose me as a mountebank. Unwilling to change history by damaging Sir Kay, I wandered until I drifted into the country of Obann. There I heard the Bell of King Ozias sound from the summit of Bell Mountain. I return to Obann as often as I can.

I haven’t mentioned any of this stuff in interviews. John Carter says he’ll feed me to the Green Martians if I do.

By Popular Demand: The Queen’s Not There Yet OY RODNEY REPRINT

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See the source image

From December 21. 2017

All right, everybody, you asked for it: another installment of Oy, Rodney by Violet Crepuscular: Chapter CIV.

As Lady Margo tries to find out who is Queen of England at this time, Princess Didi visits Scurveyshire incognito to get the lay of the land. When she approaches the wading pool in the vicar’s back yard, Constable Chumley promptly arrests her. “Ye come alang wi’ me, lass,” he says, “ye’ll not be wilmin’ by yon brawnnick gulsen.”

“You fool, take your hands off the daughter of the Queen!” Her protests are to no avail, and she is deposited in the local lockup.

Meanwhile Lord Jeremy Coldsore, awaiting his marriage to Lady Margo, fobs off his creditors with a promise that the Queen herself will pay his bills. “Her Majesty is to be an honored guest at my wedding, and will spend the night in the Royal Suite of Coldsore Hall.” He does not mention that no one has spent the night in the Royal Suite of Coldsore Hall since 1603, when the Duke of Dobley went in one night and never came out.

Having convinced Lady Margo that he and the American adventurer Willis Twombley are one and the same and that it therefore doesn’t matter which one of them appears at the wedding as the groom, Lord Jeremy’s peace of mind is rattled by Twombley’s off-hand question: “Say, Germy, was you really jist a foundling left on the steps of this here hall? Margo says so.”

This is the first Lord Jeremy has ever heard of it. “I am sure the lady has me confused with someone else,” he replies.

“Someone else besides me?”

“Please, Sargon!” Twombley believes he is Sargon of Akkad. “Please concentrate on the arrangements for the wedding! I’m growing rather concerned about the vicar. Ever since recovering from his conniptions, he skips everywhere instead of walking, and makes cryptic remarks about some writhing tentacles he thinks he saw under the pool. I fear his mind may be unsettled.”

“Oh, he’ll be all right for the wedding,” Twombley says. “Anyhow, it’s your turn to go to Margo’s tonight for supper. Try to be cheerful, ol’ hoss! Soon as the Queen gets here, we’re goin’ to get hitched and all your troubles will be over.”

Given the prodigious length of the rest of the book, we are at liberty to doubt the accuracy of that prediction.

And we still don’t know who the dickens “Rodney” is.