Gee i shure hoap I “dont” get bannded “this” tyme like thay done “To” me lasst weak!!!
Now that i has eated Brane Flaikes i amb geting A Lot “smarter!”! I got a litle whurryed yeasterday “wen” i seen the guy pore themb out “Of” “a” Sereal Box but he sayed thats jist “to” keeep peple fromb Stealing Themb! But he sayed “it Was” reel Smart of me “to” “ask” the queschin!
And hear it is Anether Smart Thing i fowned out,, did yiu Know yiu Can Get “beter graids” in Collidge iff yore Fambly payes the Deen and the Prefesser lots and lots “of” munny?? Now i amb Mad at my fokes for Not Paying;; no wunder It “is” so Harrd fore me to Pass my coarses!!!! and i wudd Confront my dadd ownly he sayed he wuld has me Aresttid if I evver comed to his Howse agen!!!! How do yiu luyk that for Cheep!!!
Annyhow i been taking Tests for “the” Geye with the Brane Flaikes and Asing themb all,, i alyaws get 100 One Hunderd on themb Tests butt on my own Tests in Gender Studdies and Nothing Studdies i stilll stink!!! But nhow “I” know wye its becose my fokes thay dont pay fore me “to” “get” goood graids!!! Its lyke somthing out of the Hand Made’s Tail!!!!
Wel i got to Go now becose my Moth Antenners thay are wobbleing awffle bad and i am hungary and i seeen a pare of Jim Sox somboddy thay Leffted on a bentch and thay willl maik a nyce Luntch “iff ownly” i can Get themb “befour” somboddy Elsse dose!!!!!
Somewhere out on lonely Bodmin Moor prowls the deadly Beast of Bodmin, seeking to prey on anyone foolhardy enough to roam the moor by night…
All right, let’s say the Beast of Bodmin isn’t really, there’s no such thing, all the stories are baloney. But does that mean there never was a Beast? If not, where did all those stories come from? Welsh tales written down a thousand years ago, after having been handed down from one generation to the next over several centuries–did they do that just to confuse us, ages later?
I wonder how many hikers would take a dare to walk the moor at night.
I saw this guy walking around in Keyport today. He leaned over the bulkhead and fell into the bay, but I was able to retrieve his helmet. As he climbed out of the water, shaking himself vigorously, he offered me $20 to give him back the helmet. I was going to give it back anyway. When I held it out to him, he snatched it away.
Only then did I remember where I’d seen that helmet before! It was in a Kolchak: The Night Stalker episode. If you wore it, it gave you three wishes–and then turned you into a monster.
“I’ve still got one wish left!” he snarled at me. “But as long as I’ve got the helmet and haven’t made the third wish, I won’t get turned into a monster.”
“What were your first two wishes?” I couldn’t help asking.
“First I wished to be handsome,” he said, “and then I wished to be smart. That’s two wishes!”
“Any idea when they’ll be granted?”
Well, that riled him. “What a rotten thing to say!” he cried. “I wish you’d just leave me alone!”
I suddenly found myself at home, leaving this man alone. Obviously his final wish was granted.
What are these fuzzy little characters trying so hard to tell us?
I don’t know. My cat, Robbie, knows at least 50 different ways to say “Give me something to eat.” She and her sister, Peep, also excel at pulling wistful little faces. They’ve practiced this a lot over the years and have gotten really good at it.
Cats are really good at being mothers, and pretty generous about it, too. If kittens, or a human baby, aren’t available, well–bunnies will do. Even a baby chick will do. Anything, as long as it’s nice and fuzzy and needs a mommy. One of these cats has her own kittens and still adopts–and nurses–a bunny. And somehow a dog nursing a kitten got in here, too. Plenty of love to go around.
Can these guys get me past the censor?
So Manny, Moe, Jack, and Osgood are playing poker, and Osgood draws three cards to make a full house, aces and queens. What a hand! He’s going to win big, because all the other guys are in on this pot, raising each other back and forth until Manny and Moe drop out and Jack makes one more raise–a big one. And Osgood doesn’t have the money to cover it.
Meanwhile you’re sitting in the back of the room reading what Rush Limbaugh had to say about the college admissions scandal (https://www.rushlimbaugh.com/daily/2019/03/12/white-hollywood-leftists-run-giant-scam-on-major-universities/).
“Well, Osgood, are you in or out?”
“Oh, I’m in!” says Osgood. “I’ll put up my master’s degree to cover the bet.”
“Your master’s degree? What’s that worth?”
“A lot! I’m still payin’ for it, twenty years later.”
“What’s it a degree in?”
Osgood’s chest swells with pride. “Superhero Studies, dude! From Humbug University.”
He places the diploma on top of the big pile of money in the center of the table.
“I’m out,” says Jack. “I can’t match that.”
How do these cats know they have to be gentle with human babies, and make allowances for them? What is it about a cat that so delights a baby? Too bad we can’t ask either one of them. Well, we could, but what’s the point?
Babylonian scientists have invented a way for you to learn incredibly complex and difficult things in just a matter of minutes.
“If only we’d had this way back when, our civilization would still be here!” exclaimed project director Dr. Nebuchadnezzar McCoy, professor of Twiddling Studies at Humbaba University. “We could have had air traffic controllers and airline pilots before we had airplanes!”
The way it works is “simple,” he said. “We just slide a cassette into your head and it transfers the information directly to your brain–hardly takes any time at all. The only tricky part is making the slot in your skull in such a way that nothing falls out.”
Dr. McCoy credits student Sharezer Shubbalub with the original idea for the project, which he first tested on the fish in his mother’s aquarium. “Imagine his surprise,” said McCoy, “nay, his sheer astonishment, when suddenly he had a neon tetra who knew all about organic chemistry! I mean, it’s just like one of those computer whaddaya-callums–you know, you stick ’em into the computer somewhere and it like does something or other.”
But young Mr. Shubbalub is modest. “If I hadn’t figured this out, somebody else would’ve,” he said. “I’m just glad it wasn’t an Assyrian. This is the kind of achievement that could only belong to a Babylonian.”
“It could be the start of a complete comeback for our whole civilization,” added Dr. McCoy.
And you thought these were just for dogs and cats? Hah! Turns out everybody likes to chase those little lasers lights–in fact, this is probably the only way you can actually play and have fun with a spider. If you’re interested in something bigger, with fewer legs, we’ve got ducklings and penguins and a horse.