animal rights – Lee Duigon

Happy the elephant isn't happy. But does she need to be granted human rights to fix that?

No, a New York appeals court has ruled, elephants (and other animals) do not have constitutional rights like human beings (https://www.politico.com/news/2022/06/14/happy-elephant-bronx-zoo-00039409).

But this case is not as goofy as it seems.

The Nonhuman Rights Project–all right, that sounds goofy–sued to get Happy the elephant, 41 years old, released from the Bronx Zoo and moved to a sanctuary. In fairness, they were not arguing that the elephant just be let go to wander around New York City.

Five of the seven judges ruled there was no precedent for ruling in Happy’s favor and that to do so would be turn our whole society topsy-turvy–no more pets, service animals, or working animals allowed. “We’re from the government and we’ve come for your hamster!” No, those judges didn’t want to go there.

But two of them did!

Two of the seven suggested that “habeas corpus” would apply to Happy the elephant. “Habeas corpus” is an ancient right in English Common Law that protects you from being held prisoner without good cause.

I kept expecting someone to point out that Happy had voted Democrat in the last four elections, but that never came up.

Well, I love animals and I never want to see them unhappy or abused. If it were up to me, which it isn’t, I would find a nicer place for Happy. I believe the Bible. Proverbs 12:10 reminds us, “The righteous man regardeth the life of his beast; but the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel.” I’ve enjoyed visits to zoos–but could we at least make sure the animals are happy and healthy?

Hey, sometimes the zoos are all that stands between an animal and extinction. We don’t want the zoo to be the place where the last surviving member of an endangered species dies. But captive breeding and scientific study has saved other species that were very close to being lost–Przewalski’s horse springs to mind.

Anyhow, these cases need to be argued more rationally.

Przewalski's Horse – Riding Away from Extinction | Morris Animal Foundation

Saved! But it was a close call.

Our secret agent in Hollywood reports that Schlockmeister Studios is going to remake the classic late-1950s TV Western series, Wagon Train.

“But of course,” says studio honcho J.T. Fidget, “we’re going to update Wagon Train to bring it fully into line with today’s highly-evolved, modern sensibilities.”

So instead of Major Adams leading the wagon train, we’ll have Sister Twonda, a street-smart African-American nun, and her wife, Spike, 450 pounds of towering female fury. Instead of Flint McCullough as the scout, we’ll have a “gay” character named Zooey (“Oh, the Native American braves are just so fabulously brave!”), and Charlie the Cook will be replaced by Imam Khalil, who will make sure everybody on the wagon train eats a proper Muslim diet, or else.

Out of respect for animal rights, the wagons won’t be drawn by horses, mules, or oxen anymore, but only by heterosexual white men. To Save the Planet, the train won’t actually go anywhere. It’ll just go around and around in a circle. The passengers will all be undocumented Mexican immigrants living on checks from the government. And each episode will begin and end with a sermon against the evils of heteronormativity. [Gee, look at that–my computer’s spell-check doesn’t recognize any such word as “heteronormativity.” Obviously it has never been to collidge.]

“A lot of those old classic shows were very good,” says Fidget, “as opposed to most of the shows we produce today, which are crap. All those old shows need, to be popular again today, is drastic modification which will make them grotesque parodies of themselves. And that should be easy!”