Enter Sergeant Dottle (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Longmire does Romance Novels | Book humor, Romance novels, Funny romance

Introducing Chapter CCCLXXVI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular introduces a new character, courtesy of Scotland Yard–Detective Sergeant Elrond Dottle. His presence is necessary because Detective Chief Inspector Chipper Magog, instead of solving the mystery of the stolen locomotive, has fallen passionately in love with a bearded bar maid at The Lying Tart and his let his work slide.

Sgt. Dottle wants DCI Magog’s job and will do anything to get it. Usually what he tries to do is to pin on the DCI whatever crime they happen to be investigating at the time. Sgt. Dottle is an inveterate Clue player, which makes him (compared to some) a formidable detective. DCI Magog despises him and usually tries to frame him for whatever crime they happen to be investigating at the time. Their interpersonal dynamics are the talk of Scotland Yard.

With Lord Jeremy Coldsore refusing to come down from the tree that he has climbed, and taking all his meals up there, Johnno the Merry Minstrel has made an astonishing discovery .

“I say, m’lord!” he shouts from the ground beneath the tree. “It turns out that Black Rodney is not the only medieval sorcerer who’s bedeviling us. There’s another one!”

“Just get rid of that inspector, there’s a good chap!” answers Lord Jeremy from high up the tree. He has heard that DCI Magog plans to interrogate him under torture.

“But m’lord, it’s not just Black Rodney!” cries Johnno. “We have also fallen under a curse by Black Rodney’s long-time competitor, Blue Bodney! And he’s even worse!”

“Oh, bother!” mutters Jeremy.

Here Ms. Crepuscular breaks in with a recipe for toothpaste brownies. “I generally use Pepsodent Super-Whitener for these,” she writes, “but Colgate Xtra-Strength will do as well. I will send a batch to the Pulitzer committee!”

That’s cheating. I think.

Quokka U., College Sports Colossus

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G’day! Byron the Quokka here, interviewing a famous college sports personality who may become the first coach of Quokka University’s pick-up sticks team. I have to protect her identity, this is a confidential interview, but the picture’s okay because she’s in disguise. If I told you who she really was, you’d just plain faint. Still, nothing will happen till we can agree on her salary. Quokka U. doesn’t have a lot of money yet. In fact, so far, we have no money at all. But we do have a cool Latin motto, Ipso loquitur mannimota, and that has to count for something.

Oh, there’s so much to do! Who knew that setting up a college would be so much trouble? Well, we’re committed to the pick-up sticks team, we need a bunch of buildings and a stadium, we have to hire professors and somebody to clean up, and someone has suggested we might want to have a jacks team, too. Personally, I’m holding out for a Clue team. Professor Plum in the Lounge with the Candlestick!

And now, on to the next interview. Ipso loquitur, everybody!

Byron: ‘Last Call for Carol Contest!’

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G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here; and that’s me up there, singing, but I can’t tell you what carol I’m singing because that might skew the contest. (Note the bicycle in the background! I keep telling him, offer a bike as the prize, if you want people to play. But does he listen?)

Well, Monday we’re wrapping it up, our Second Annual Christmas Carol Contest. And the carol that got 44 views on Dec. 9 is still way out front in the lead. No, I can’t tell you what it was, or who posted it. Everybody here on Rottnest Island knows, but we’re not talking.

Things are mighty quiet around this blog today. I guess a lot of you are tuckered out from New Year’s. My family spent New Year’s Eve wearing party hats, blowing on noise-makers, and playing Clue. Poor Uncle Pottsy. He was Professor Plum and wound up having to accuse himself–and it turned out to be wrong. He felt like such a doo-dah.

Well, look, I’m supposed to get you folks excited about this contest, and can I help it if there’s only so much excitement to go around? Can’t be excited all the time!

The winner will be announced on Monday. Be there, or be square!