Animals That Don’t Exist

Life cycle of aphids - YouTube

What you are looking at, above, is the immature horse aphid, which looks like any other aphid. But after the insect sheds its skin for the last time, its resemblance to a horse is uncanny. Unfortunately, no mature horse aphid has ever lived long enough to have its picture taken. And we are not sure whether there are cowboy aphids to ride them.

Yes, the world is full of things that don’t exist! The Australian Kammem Bear, which eats itself. The dreadful stink-skink of Schenectady. The last living dinosaur, the Drapetohachesaurus of Candlemas Island–also known as “the Depopulator.”

This is more than cryptozoology. This is out-and-out humbug. It’s one of those things you just naturally think of when your pupils are dilated to the max and you can only sort of see what you’re doing.

But as hard as it may be to believe in any of these creatures… believing in the integrity of the nooze media is infinitely harder, if not downright impossible.

The Congo Dinosaur

What are the crown jewels of cryptozoology?

Gotta be the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, and this, the dinosaur rumored to inhabit the swamps of the Congo–Mokele Mbembe.

By all accounts, Mokele Mbembe resembles a scaled-down (to elephant size) brontosaur living in some of the most difficult and inhospitable terrain in the world. It’s all swamps, even the pygmies don’t like to venture too far in. But the people who do live there declare that Mokele Mbembe is real.

So far, none of the expeditions sent to those swamps has come back with proof of Mokele Mbembe’s existence. The best we’ve got is this grainy, wobbly little bit of film, displayed above. Of course, if they ever did succeed in obtaining proof, Mokele Mbembe would instantly cease to be cryptozoology and be regular zoology instead. This is what gives cryptozoology its slightly cracked but also slightly noble flavor.

What if, somewhere in the world, there is a living dinosaur? What hath God wrought! What if dinosaurs have only gone almost extinct? ‘Cause “almost extinct” means “a little bit extant.” I mean, heck, the stories don’t go away, there are always stories: always people saying that they’ve seen a dinosaur.

And who wouldn’t want to see one?