Do We Understand that Movies Aren’t Real?

I have mastered the camouflage of the alien “Predator.” | Eric Robert  Nolan, Author

You can listen all day, every day, to tales of The Paranormal and never run out of them.

Here’s a little something I’ve noticed, though.

A new kind of monster, UFO, weird experience, whatever, makes it all around the world in video; and the next thing you know, people all around the world are claiming to have seen it. In real life. Not in a movie.

Remember The Predator (1987)? The monster had special camouflage which made it practically invisible. It was a very successful movie, with sequels, comic books, action figures, etc. Before long, the whole world knew what “the Predator” was and what it looked like–if you could see it at all.

Now, 30 years later, you can’t throw a brick among The Paranormal without hitting someone who’s sure he’s seen a Predator.

But it doesn’t stop there. There must be thousands of people out there, tens of thousands who’ve seen skinwalkers, interdimensional “portals” opening, Bigfoot, Shadow People…

If it’s been in the movies, people believe in it. And I don’t think they can help it. Our culture includes a deep reservoir of superstition–and movies look real! Who am I to say none of these people has seen any of those things he says he’s seen? Can we say, “Just because you see it doesn’t mean it’s there”?

I did once hear some mameluke on talk radio assert that The Movies, not America, were “his country.”

Of course he sees Bigfoot.

Joe Collidge Discovers Cryptozoology

Rabbit Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

I wented to “a” reel kool lexture “last” nihght it was all abuot a New Scyints i has nevver herd “Of” it is caled Clepto-Zoo-Olligy! Oar somb thing “lyke” That!!

Did yiu know thare is aminals alll Over “the” Whirld that noboddy thay has sceen themb befour??? Somb of themb is Dynasores and Willy mammeths but somb of themb “thay” are smawl aminals and clepto zooollagists thay “Are” loocking al Over “the” plaice to fyned themb!!!!

We seen a Lot “of” slydes of theeze Secret Creetchers lyke :the “ones” up thare In the Pixture,, i hasnt nevver sceene nothing Like themb befour,, thay live Up In “The” deeep wooulds ware thare “is” aslo Big Foot and Choopa Capra and the Lock Nest Manster!!!!! Somboddy whoo was jist “a” Biggit “and” a Hater he sayed thay “are” Ownly plane old Rabbets so we beet himb up,, that is reel Socile Jutstus!!!!

Heer is anether Clepto Aminal.

Considering Consciousness Through The Eyes Of A Squirrel : 13.7: Cosmos And  Culture : NPR

At frist i thinked I sceene One “Of” theeze onct rihght hear On Our Campis it was clyming “a” Treee but ackturally it is a Seecrit Clepto Zology Creetcher it livves in Affricker and the Naytivves thay are al Afrayed of it!!!! The lexture sayed it jist gose “To Shoh” that thare is Seecrit Creetchers evry ware!!!

The lexture thay sayed theeze aminals thay Are Prooof that Evilusion it is Reel and evin Peeple thay are goingto Evolve “into” somb thing Elsse so i amb goingto Keep a Iye out fore “it”!!!!!!

Cryptozoology at Quokka U.

Perth: Cutest quokka photo captured by Campbell Jones on Rottnest ...

G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with an important announcement. Drop whatever you’re doing (unless you’re making nitroglycerine) and listen up.

We have decided to offer a course in Cryptozoology here at Quokka U., starting sometime in the future. What is Cryptozoology, you ask? Well, plain old Zoology is the study of plain old animals; but Cryptozoology studies animals that might not exist. But of course you’ve got to find them before you can study them.

Cryptozoology at Quokka U. will focus on searching for some of the most elusive critters known–well, okay, not known–to science. Here are some of the ones we’ll be really looking for:

Customer service reps who actually serve the customer.

College English majors who can actually speak and write English.

Sane liberals.

Really big and important people who don’t lie.

Leading socialists who don’t get rich.

The problem is, as soon as a cryptozoologist finally finds one of these creatures, it ceases to be cryptozoology and instantly becomes plain old zoology instead. Once they find Bigfoot, he won’t be ours anymore.

Well, the crypto-critters we’re after have proved to be a lot more elusive than Bigfoot.

Depending on how many students sign up for the course, we’ll get up an expedition to the Outback and see what’s out there.

The Search for Moderate Democrats

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The International Bigfoot Research Alliance (IBRA) has joined the search for “moderate Democrats.”

“This search has become a job for cryptozoology,” said IBRA Director Freddie Fungo. “All these years of hunting Bigfoot has prepared us for the biggest challenge of all–to prove the continued existence of moderate Democrats.”

The fact that they have not caught Bigfoot seems to have made no impression on them.

“Moderate Democrats were fairly numerous as recently as 2,400 B.C.,” Mr. Fungo said, “and as late as 1623, Sir John Mandeville reported an encounter with a good round dozen of them somewhere in the Everglades. And of course we know from history that Grover Cleveland not only existed, but was twice elected president.

“So they must be somewhere! It’s just a matter of looking in the right place. When we do find them,” he predicted, “they’ll be in the last place we look.”

And then, he said, “the challenge will be to protect them from poaching by today’s not-so-moderate Democrats.”

The Congo Dinosaur

What are the crown jewels of cryptozoology?

Gotta be the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, and this, the dinosaur rumored to inhabit the swamps of the Congo–Mokele Mbembe.

By all accounts, Mokele Mbembe resembles a scaled-down (to elephant size) brontosaur living in some of the most difficult and inhospitable terrain in the world. It’s all swamps, even the pygmies don’t like to venture too far in. But the people who do live there declare that Mokele Mbembe is real.

So far, none of the expeditions sent to those swamps has come back with proof of Mokele Mbembe’s existence. The best we’ve got is this grainy, wobbly little bit of film, displayed above. Of course, if they ever did succeed in obtaining proof, Mokele Mbembe would instantly cease to be cryptozoology and be regular zoology instead. This is what gives cryptozoology its slightly cracked but also slightly noble flavor.

What if, somewhere in the world, there is a living dinosaur? What hath God wrought! What if dinosaurs have only gone almost extinct? ‘Cause “almost extinct” means “a little bit extant.” I mean, heck, the stories don’t go away, there are always stories: always people saying that they’ve seen a dinosaur.

And who wouldn’t want to see one?

Let’s Go Sasquatch-Hunting!

(Posted on my Playground Player chess page by our esteemed colleague, “jessicafischerqueen”)

There are times when you’ve just had enough; and then you either go to sea, or go out west to hunt for Sasquatch, aka Bigfoot. Anyone can go to sea; but whoever comes back with incontrovertible proof of Bigfoot–say, a live one in a cage–will be rich and famous forever.

Listen! You can hear undeniable Sasquatch screams in the background.

Unless that’s me, interacting with my computer.