Reports of a “flood of fake science” leading to “thousands of retractions and millions of dollars in lost revenues” has prompted a response from Acme False Facts Inc.
“Politically ambitious ‘real scientists’ are trying to horn in on our business!” declares Acme CEO Jerry Bilt. “We have spent years, at Acme, building up an inventory of authentic false facts. Our false facts have helped untold thousands of customers to enhance their peer group prestige.”
Mr. Bilt has urged potential customers to drive real scientists out of the market by collecting new sets of Acme False Facts. Here are a few samples from Acme’s I Big Department Collection.
*Hittite ne’er-do-wells sank the battleship Maine.
*In 1703, retired horseshoe salesman Paddy McQuokka wrote the Declaration of Independence but couldn’t get it published.
*Genghis Khan was ticklish!
*Baseball was invented by the Smothers Brothers.
*In Fugu Falls, Oklahoma, a woman named Katie survived being stuck head-downwards in her lawyer’s chimney for three months. The lawyer thought her cries for help were “just wind.”
“Armed with genuine authentic Acme False Facts,” said Mr. Bilt, “any simpleton can acquire a reputation for possessing truly erudite knowledge. Just puff our your chest and repeat a False Fact with pure conviction, and you’ve got stature!”
Coming soon: Acme False Facts Climate Change Set.
