From May 4, 2020
(Okay, Byron, this had better be good! I passed up a really cute baby rhino video for it.)
After about three months, things get exciting for a baby quokka and his mother: he’s growing too big for the pouch, and he needs to be weaned off milk and onto real food.
Before we titter at quokkas for being fooled by a robot quokka, remember who shut down their whole country because of some guy’s cockamamie computer model.
G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with your post-Halloween weekend television, brought to you by Quokka University where Pick-Up Stix is king! Here are a few samples of what’s in store for you.
7 P.M. Ch. 14 I AM A HAMSTER–Schlockumentary
Join host Marty Prolapse, who identifies as a hamster, in his search for people who are even more screwed-up than he is. Tonight: Has Marty met his match? This woman identifies as “an alligator with a grudge.” Sponsored by some kind of liver pill.
Ch. 34 SPECIAL REPORT: REVOLT OF THE SKELETONS–News, of a sort
Kizzuwatna Township, Pennsylvania–is it the victim of an ancient Hittite curse that summons animated skeletons to attack the shopping malls? Anchor Dan Lather reports, “We are under siege by skeletons and the State Police don’t believe us!” Special guest stars: The June Taylor Dancers.
8 P.M. Ch. 12 MOVIE–Unbearable suspense
In The President’s Brain is Missing (1988: 17 minutes), President Smiley (Pee Wee Herman) raises suspicions when he orders a nuclear attack on Fowlerville, Michigan. It turns out his brain is missing! Can Special Agent Imble Zanagazza (John Smith) find it before his own coccyx gives out? Song: “I Am Too Debbie Reyolds.”
8:12 P.M. Ch. 63 MY LITTLE SMOOGIE–Sitcom
The most totally weird kid in the whole student body, Smoogie Gefilte (AI-created robot), is named principal of Meterbeater High–and the ousted principal (David Niven look-alike) wants revenge! Meanwhile, Smoogie is in the cafeteria, eating straws. This show was canceled when it was only halfway through production, so you know it must be special.
Well, how about those shows, me hearties? Me, I love those 17-minute movies. I’ll bet they could make ’em even shorter, if they tried.
Be sure to grab a lot of yummy green leaves to sweeten your TV time!
Phoebe says we need some quokka video here, and I say so, too. So here’s me, Byron the Quokka, eating a nice fresh leaf for energy and celebrating with a little dance. You humans ought to try it!
G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with some of my family’s home movies. I wanted to post footage of us playing Clue, but everybody else wanted to show the juggling. We love watching humans juggle! It’s sort of a quokka thing–maybe because we are so no good at juggling, ourselves.