When I Was On TV!

Unfortunately, a few little clips are all that remains of a TV documentary on N.J. Aiki Kai, where I was a student of Japanese swordsmanship. That’s Sensei Joe Conti demonstrating some of the basic cuts.

So where am I?

Oh, I’m in that back room, the one wearing the white gi instead of grey. All my lessons had been private lessons, and suddenly I was in a roomful of swords and unprotected bodies. Whoa! It made me very, very nervous. (Yes, I know it’s almost impossible to see me. Not exactly a guest star turn on Ed Sullivan.)

In the uncut broadcast I got time to show off my moves. It appeared on TV and a lot of kids at a certain high school must have seen it. Next time I was there, substitute teaching, I heard somebody say “Don’t mess with him, he got skills!”

I’ll always be grateful to him for that.

Batter Up!

Japanese sword master Isao Machii cuts a baseball in half as it travels toward him at 100 miles per hour. In my years of studying the sword, no one at our dojo ever thought of doing this.

So he lets two balls go by, as he judges their speed and arc of flight, and when No. 3 comes out, in one motion he draws his sword from the sheathe and cleanly cuts the ball in half.

Gee, I’d like to try that! My technique’s a little rusty, though, so maybe I’d better not.

Meanwhile, this adds a whole new dimension to the term, “a cut fastball.”

No, No, Please, No! No ‘Katana-Wielding Scullery Maid’!

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Here she is with her katana. I wonder what school she studied in.

In my continual search for fantasy fiction that edifies instead of just making you dumber, I receive many invitations to review new books. Like Ella the Slayer, billed as “an Edwardian retelling of Cinderella.” Or “Cinderella” meets “Upstairs, Downstairs.”

The premise is, the worldwide 1918 flu epidemic was something more sinister than a germ, and the people who die of the flu come back as zombies who have to be killed all over again, blah-blah. I hate zombies. You seen one zombie, you seen ’em all. Besides which, the Great Flu was only 100 years ago and there are those of us whose families included some of those victims: this is in rather bad taste. In fact, it’s in execrable taste. The publisher ought to get the ducking stool, and the writer a public thrashing.

But allow me to mount my hobby horse–

Ella, the heroine, is described as “a katana-wielding scullery maid.” A lot of those in Edwardian England, were were?

I studied Japanese swordsmanship. I had to study and practice with the wooden sword for five years before I was allowed even to touch a katana–ten pounds of live steel sharpened to a razor edge. This is a serious weapon and I don’t appreciate ignorant wannabes fannying around with it. You could very easily do yourself a major mischief.

No one can say that my own fantasy novels fail to include major female characters who are strong, brave, resourceful, and worthy of admiration. Believe it or not, this effect can be achieved without writing up your female characters as comic-book superheroes with steel bras. I think I hate superheroes even more than zombies. Like, how many cliches can you jam into each chapter?

Why is non-idiotic fantasy so hard to come by?