How to Get Rid of the June Taylor Dancers (‘Oy, Rodney’)

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

The critic snickers evilly. “Backed yourself into a corner, eh, Violet? Not so much the Queen of Suspense as the Queen of Confusion! I can’t wait to see how you weasel your way out of this!”

Ms. Crepuscular replies, “I won’t even have to break a sweat! Just watch me.”

In Chapter DCLXXI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, we find the June Taylor Dancers (from the old Jackie Gleason show) ensconced (she loves that word!) as the dictatorial and quite unlawful rulers of Scurveyshire. Constable Chumley has been trying to arrest them.

“Can’t you get these women off the streets?” cries Lord Jeremy Coldsore, justice of the peace.  The constable replies, “Verver yon maire sich frankincense, yeevie”–to which no answer can be made.

For the time being, everyone in Scurveyshire is required to dance when they want to go anywhere.

But Johnno the Merry Minstrel has it figured out.

“It’s a time-warp,” he explains. “The June Taylor Dancers are involved in a temporal shift. If it can be reversed, we can send them back to their own time.”

Blowing a raspberry hi-res stock photography and images - Alamy

“So there!” Ms. Crepuscular crows triumphantly. “Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Mr. Critic! And no more toothpaste and tobacco cupcakes for you!”

The Tyranny of the June Taylor Dancers (‘Oy, Rodney’)

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Introducing (or not) Chapter DCLXIX of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, shares an intimate moment with her readers.

“I always listen to publishers,” she writes, “so when a major New York publisher told me to go soak my head, I took it literally and did my best to comply. Only later did I realize that ‘literally’ really meant literarily–as in one literary personage to another.”

Having filled her sink with water, Violet reports, “I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t breath with my whole head under water! I think I almost drowned! I must of tried this half a dozen times, and always got water up my nose when I tried to breathe.”

Meanwhile, in Scurveyshire, the June Taylor Dancers having kicked the rampaging rhinoceros out of the town, the troupe has set itself up as the new absolute rulers of the town and instituted mandatory dancing lessons.So one problem has replaced another.

In his capacity of Justice of the Peace, Lord Jeremy Coldsore has ordered Constable Chumley to arrest the June Taylor Dancers–although fitting them all into the town’s single little jail cell has created yet another problem. As the constable remarked, “Yea the vimbers hallis brogh!” Who can disagree?

The Queen of Suspense Does It Again! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

This is probably something you should remember, in case a rhinoceros wakes from hibernation and goes on the warpath in your town.

Introducing Chapter DCLXVIII (we’re pretty sure we’ve got those Roman numerals straightened out) of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular, “The Queen of Suspense,” confides in her readers, “This is probably something you should remember in case a rhinoceros wakes from hibernation and goes on the warpath in your town.”

The quick wits of Ms. Crepuscular found the solution that saved Scurveyshire. The high-kicking June Taylor Dancers literally kick the rhino out of town.

Marilyn Taylor Gleason Widow of 'the Honeymooners Star Dies - Guardian  Liberty Voice

Too many kicks even for a rhino!

The crisis having passed, Lord Jeremy Coldsore climbs down from the tree in which he’d sought refuge.

“This would be cowardice in anybody else,” states Ms. Crepuscular, “but in Lord Jeremy it is only another kind of bravery. Besides, he has always been afflicted with rhinophobia. It’s not his fault. There will be no cure for rhinophobia until 2023.”

[“Rhinophobia? Wouldn’t that mean ‘fear of noses’?” asks the editor who is about to be fired. Editors are a dime a dozen. Queens of Suspense are hard to come by.]

CONTEST! A tin of toothpaste cookies to any reader who can form a convincing and really cool theory of how the June Taylor Dancers wound up in this story.

The June Taylor Dancers to the Rescue! (Oy, Rodney’)

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Well, it looks like she’s got the Roman numerals straightened out. That brings us up to Chapter DCLXII (whatever that is) of her immortal epic romance, Oy, Rodney.

You knew she’d come up with a way to stop that rampaging rhino, didn’t you? But you never would’ve guessed how she would do it. You thought it was going to be Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad. But he’s still counting his bullets.

Out of nowhere, when all hope seems to be lost, and the doom of Scurveyshire assured…Enter the June Taylor Dancers!

460 June Taylor Dancers Stock Photos, High-Res Pictures, and Images - Getty  Images

Who knew this would happen? You need a berserk rhinoceros kicked out of town, who better to do it than the June Taylor Dancers?

It’s touches like this that make Violet Crepuscular, “The Queen of Suspense,” one of a kind. Maybe even less than one of a kind.

It’s useless to argue with her. “Some of you will sneer, some of you will jeer, and I don’t wanna hear!” She writes, introducing the chapter. “It’s called poetic license–or something. But what do you mugs know about it?”

We are glad to see Oy, Rodney back on track. [Lightning bolt just misses editor.]

The June Taylor Dancers in Scurveyshire (‘Oy, Rodney’)

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

I am way too sick to do this today. Luckily, the June Taylor Dancers came prancing into Scurveyshire just yesterday, and have promised to crank out a chapter or two as soon as Constable Chumley lets them out of jail. He is under the impression that he’s supposed to have them executed. Lord Jeremy restrained him just in time.

“He is trying to keep his blog going when he can’t keep himself going,” remarks Ms. Crepuscular. “I like that in a person. What I don’t like is for the Queen of Suspense to be confined to such a stingy little post as this!”

(Lady, you’re lucky I even remember your name.)

Quokkas Chase June Taylor Dancers

If you’re wondering why the June Taylor Dancers weren’t mentioned in this week’s TV listings, it’s because they suddenly bailed out on us. This video shows our two police quokkas, Feezle and Wellington, trying to arrest them. Should’ve been able to run them down, but somehow they all got hold of bicycles.

Quokka University regrets any ennui or weltschmerz that might have been engendered by the absence of the June Taylor Dancers from this weekend’s Quokka UTV schedule. They’ll be sorry when they see how easily we can replace them.

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 20

multiple image galleries

G’day! Would you believe it’s August 20? Where does the time go!

Byron the Quokka here, inviting you to step outside the stream of time and watch some Quokka University TV. You’ll be glad you did! And here’s a sample:

7:15 P.M. Ch. 07  YOU ARE THE NEWS!–Made-up phony news

Co-Anchors Jimmy Fraud and Miley Cyrus throw unrelated factoids at you–and you do the rest! Cobble them together into news stories! Last week’s winner: “Putin Sends Trans Models to Nuclear Test in Atlantic City”. Featuring Congressman Capsize and his underwater orchestra.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 01  SMORK AND SMINDY–Sci-fi sitcom

Smork (Marlon Brando) is a six-foot-tall grasshopper from the planet Fong; and Smindy (Linda Hunt) is the raving lunatic who lets him sleep in her broom closet. This week: Smork is deathly ill after eating the mop, but when Smindy summons Dr. Porky (Sir Tim McCarver), she finds him drunk!

Ch. 14  YOUR ASTONISHING DISEASE!–Medical game show

Which contestant has the weirdest disease? It’s up to the June Taylor Dancers to find out! Host: “Nature Boy” Buddy Rodgers. Scientific adviser: Dinah Shore. In charge of evacuating the studio if something really nasty turns up: Col. John D. Craig.

8 P.M.  Ch. 46   MOVIE–Western (sort of)

In “The Town Too Dead to Die” (Czech-Tahitian, 2002), Mayor Daryl Poyson (Cleavon Little) and Sheriff Wu Wei-Shu (Will Geer) move the town of Effluvium, Arizona, lock, stock, and barrel, to Sikanderpore Forest in India! Theme Song: “I’ve Lost My Coccyx to You!”, by Parnell Roberts. Ninety-nine minutes. In Dutch, with subtitles. Be sure to catch that famous scene of cobras invading the saloon!

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 28   I WANDER IN DESOLATE SWAMPS–Crime drama

Private Eye Joe Collidge (William Saroyan) has set up shop in The Great Stinking Mire, miles and miles from the nearest human habitation. His misanthropy won’t let him come any closer! So what kind of cases can he possibly have? Tune in and see. Guest stars: June Lockhart, Lassie, Minnesota Fats. Featured: Auctioning off bits of the set.

Well, boyzin gulls, there you have it! Trust me, you can totally rot your mind on this TV, and be all the better for it.

How To Take A Selfie With A Quokka - The Ultimate Guide – Quokka Hub

Me, with this guy who says he can get me a good deal on car insurance.

Byron’s TV Listings, March 26

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1958

G’day! Crikey, it’s already the last weekend in March. I don’t know how you humans do it, using up the days. But here at Quokka University, represented by me, Byron the Quokka, we’ve got the TV shows to help you do it. Here’s a sample.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 03  MILD, MILD WEST–Incredibly slow-paced Western

Sheriff Tom Tubule (Bela Lugosi), trying to find something, anything, to do in a town that has no crime, arrests Big John (Baba the Giant) for cheating at tic-tac-toe: but now Miss Scarlett (Bertha Morris Parker) won’t let him into the saloon. Sickening Joe: himself (couldn’t find any actor who wanted to play him).


Live from Francisco Franco High School! Board President Humphrey Dumphrey and Secretary Mary “The Beast” Fugu (Saginaw, Michigan) vs. Treasurer Fat-Boy Schlapock and Hermione Gasket (Voodooville, Indiana), to three falls or curfew. Announcer: Scottish guy with speech impediment. Featured: the June Taylor Dancers.

8 P.M.  Ch. 12  I’VE GOT A SHAMEFUL SECRET–Game show

One of these guests has done something so shameful, so disgusting, so absurd, that it can only be described in Latin–but which guest is it? Join host Jimmy Fraud and celebrity panelists Christine Keeler, Chiang Kai-shek, Susan Sontag, and PeeWee Herman as they try to find out whom! With Fritzie the Crabby Octopus.

Ch. 43  MOVIE–Tear-jerking tragical melodrama

In “The Milk Truck Doesn’t Stop on My Front Lawn Anymore” (Greco-Persian, 1968), glamorous housewife Shirley Turley (Miriam Webster) has an affair with milkman Frank McCoccyx (James Arness)–until they both come down with incurable lycanthropy. Dr. Gesundheit: Sandy Becker. Uncooperative Victim: Cindy Indy from Rawalpindi.

8:14 P.M.  Ch. 65   NEWS WITH JIMMY FRAUD–News & Commentary

The most hopelessly credulous talk host on the planet interviews some of the world’s clumsiest liars, believing every word of it! TV critic Oscar Boomschmitt: “This is the show that makes you feel like a genius!” Tonight’s guest claims to have discovered a pacifistic Stone Age tribe in Sayreville, New Jersey, untouched by 2,000 years of progress all around them. Believe it if you can! Featured: Swan Lake danced by lumberjacks.

Well, boys ‘n’ gulls, there you have it–a weekend’s televisual feast, as George Washington would call it. I admit to being a huuuuge fan of Mild, Mild West. You can actually watch this and play Clue at the same time.

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the  animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

Byron the Quokka, signing off–happy viewing!

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 19

Bcast_Md — TV Guide listings for April 8, 1959. “Varsity...

Are you ready for another weekend of glorious TV, acquired in secret by Quokka University?

G’day! Byron the Quokka here. Get yourself a handful of crunchy leaves and head for the nearest easy chair. Here are some samples.

7 P.M.  Ch. 05   THE FOP–Crime Drama/Fashion

Ace detective Jimbo Fimbo (the Smothers Brothers) won’t get his hands dirty, and all his clothes are top-of-the-line high fashion. A lot of crimes go unsolved while he admires himself in the mirror (Telly Savalas). This week: Mayor Strumpet (Strother Martin) pleads with Jimbo to solve a kidnapping. Blind Pew: Sandy Duncan.

Ch. 14   BE YOUR OWN STUNT MAN!–Educational

Yes, you, too, can jump out of high windows or out of moving cars! All it takes is practice. Regular host and instructor Stumpy Gruber returns from that unfortunate accident with the riding mower to show this week’s guest how to fall down the stairs without breaking anything. Attending physician: Former M.D. Betty Woont.

7:17 P.M.   Ch. 33   WEREWOLF NEWSROOM–News/Horror

This news studio is a ruined castle in Transylvania, with werewolf Sid Yatjac at the anchor’s desk, ready to undergo an agonizing shape-shift every time the moon is full. Weather: Count Steve (vampire). Sports: Cindy Indy from Rawalpindi (witch). With zombies as needed.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 61  MOVIE–Thriller

In “You Can’t Spell Bnx” (Swiss, 2002), the last cowboy in Budapest (Rip Torn) tries to organize a cattle drive to Brussels–can the June Taylor Dancers stop him? Sheriff Mayoroczy: Toshiro Mifune. Louise Bingle: Angela Mao. Three-year-old bearded boy with delusions of grandeur: Soupy Sales.

Ch.  84   CHUCKY HAS NO BRAINS–Formless twaddle

Retired from his career in horror movies, Chucky the Killer Doll now hosts a quiz show featuring flesh-and-blood human contestants who are dumber than he is. Get the answer wrong, and you’ll get hurt! This week’s Really Hard Question: “What do people study at clown school?” With Francisco Franco and his orchestra.

Well, folks, that’s that! Science says that watching these shows will eventually double your brain size! I don’t know. Wouldn’t that… hurt, if your skull size didn’t double, too? Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the  animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News