Tag: June Taylor Dancers

Lord Jeremy and the Harpies (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

As we move into Chapter DXXXII of her immortal classic romance, Oy, Rodney, author Violet Crepuscular challenges us with exotic prose. The chapter opens with a speech by Constable Chumley. See what you can make of it.

“Yon briggage hath a sawney plock, but ather skeel shell veck thee.”

Meanwhile, Lady Margo Cargo has found harpies squatting in her attic. “I want something done about it!” she expostulates.

“I’m kind of busy, old thing,” replies Lord Jeremy Coldsore. Egged on by the June Taylor Dancers, woolly mammoths prepare to assault the gates of Coldsore Hall.

Jason and the Argonauts (1963) - Attack... - Monster Fan ...

Harpies also habituate the outdoors.

But wait! Mr. Pitfall is at the door, with a box of candy; he is Ms. Crepuscular’s suitor.

(All right, all right, I hear you! “What kind of candy?” you inquire. As if it was important! Well, I don’t know what kind of candy! I’m busy with these harpies.)

Mr. Pitfall will not be denied. He presses his ear to the letter slot and hears the familiar sound of Ms. Crepuscular ululating in her kitchen. (She is trying to imitate what she imagines to be woolly mammoth noises.) He knocks vigorously.

The Queen of Suspense looses a blood-curdling scream.

And then silence. (Isn’t that suspenseful! Wow!)

The Cyclops Is Still Coming (‘Oy, Rodney)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

Well, we’re still in Chapter DXXXI of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney. “The cyclops was held up by other business commitments,” Ms. Crepuscular declares. “:I am not at liberty to disclose them.”

Meanwhile, woolly mammoths, provoked by the June Taylor Dancers, continue to make a shambles of downtown Scurveyshire. (Editor’s note: There is no uptown.) The regular people are holed up in Coldsore Hall.

Johnno the Merry Minstrel thinks he has a solution to the problem. He has decided not to reveal it. Just then–

Cyclops the 7th voyage of sinbad Black and White Stock ...

“Holy moley!” exfoliates Lady Margo Cargo. “The cyclops! He’s coming up Fulonda Hill! We’re all doomed, I tell you! Doomed!”

“Aw, dry up,” repatriates her fiancee, Lord Jeremy Coldsore.  “Anyone would think you never saw a cyclops before.”

Meanwhile Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, continues to take pot shots at the dancers.

“They ruined The Jackie Gleason Show for me, them gol-danged dancers,” he carols.

“Hadn’t we ought to save some ammunition for the cyclops?” Lord Jeremy proposes.

“Nah! Just poke out his eye with a pointed burning stick, and you’ll have him where you want him. Leastways,” Twombley adds, “that’s how we always done it in Akkad.”

Stay tuned for next week’s installment of this breath-taking serial. In the meantime… fret about it!

‘Cyclops is Coming!’ (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

With everyone in Scurveyshire holed up in Coldsore Hall, and woolly mammoths and the June Taylor Dancers tearing it up outside, it’s no wonder there’s a bidding war on for Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney–all 530 chapters of it (we got that straightened out last week)… with more to come!

Fligh-Bi-Nite Publishing Inc. has offered $35 for the rights, while Hugh “N’ Mee Books offers $29.99 along with tickets to the musical, Bimbo Time. It is believed the June Taylor Dancers will fold like a cheap camera once they have to compete with the Howard Baseborn Dancers.

“But they aren’t falling to the mammoths,” observes Lord Jeremy Coldsore from his perch on the battlements, “even though three or four of them have been trampled into pudding.” With this comment he has made himself feel sick.

“Leave it to me, Germy,” says Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who has gone back to believing he’s Sargon of Akkad. He shoots a dancer who has been cavorting on a mammoth’s back. The mammoth trumpets his displeasure.

“No one but Violet can write suspenseful scenes like this!” deposes Lady Margo Cargo. “Whoever’s reading this should count himself–or herself–blessed beyond the ordinary lot of mortals!”

Gee wiz, Violet…

[P.S.–What cyclops? What are they talking about? Have I missed something?

The Newts, the Mammoths, and the June Taylor Dancers (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

Suddenly publishers have gone wild over Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney. It’s too bad she forgot so much of her story and has to go back to Chapter DCCXLIV. She has created a continuity issue, but they want her anyway. “There’s only one Violet, and we want her!” exclaims Wanda Byaduck, CEO and Editor-in-chief at Feeble Books.

Meanwhile, it’s 9:20 in the morning in Scurveyshire and the mammoths are coming, they’re besieging Coldsore Hall but can’t get in because their author has not endowed them with intelligence, and the June Taylor Dancers have emerged from the woods and are dancing down High Street. They think they’ll get high.

“I never could stand them hairy elephants,” soliloquizes Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he” s Tab Hunter… after all those years of thinking he was Sargon of Akkad. Who’s next–Liberace? “They always give me a feelin’ of–I don’t know–findin’ out you’re really Liberace.”

Lord Jeremy Coldsore, organizing the defense of Coldsore Hall, breaks into Twombley’s soliloquy with an unseemly noise.

“Do you think your bullets will stop them, old chap?” quoth Jeremy.

“If they don’t,” sez Willis, “I can always pick off a few of those June Taylor Dancers. They were a big waste of time on the old Jackie Gleason show.”

Is it any wonder the publishers are clamoring for this book?

Warning! June Taylor Dancers Alert! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

“I have posted this video to show you what Scurveyshire is up against,” intones Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, introducing Chapter DCCXLIII of her interminable epic romance, Oy, Rodney. 

“As you would know, if you’d been paying the least little bit of attention, the medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney, has it in for Scurveyshire,” Ms. Crepuscular reminds her loyal readers. How many of those there are, is anybody’s guess. “He has transported the June Taylor Dancers from the 1950s to the 1850s. This video will show you why!”

“Have you ever seen anything more fiendish?” she crepusculates. “Mr. Pudding and his newts will be hard-put to save the shire from this!” It turns out that certain species of newts are immune to accordion music. The guy at the pet store told me so.

With her usual commendable foresight, Ms. Crepuscular has already equipped Lord Jeremy Coldsore with a 20-pound accordion. To those who object that he hasn’t the foggiest idea how to play it, Ms. Crepuscular replies, “Shut up!”

Tune in next week to see what happens.

It’s War! (Oy, Rodney)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

Johnno the Merry Minstrel has discovered a lost prophecy written in the 16th Century by Sir Osric Wungo, foretelling doom at the hands (or feet) of the June Taylor Dancers. But Lord Jeremy Coldsore is unconvinced.

“Wasn’t he the chap who spent all his family’s money trying to find a lost city built by woodchucks?” he said.

“Let me break in before the suspense becomes unbearable,” writes the author, Violet Crespuscular, the Queen of Suspense, introducing Chapter DCCXLII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. Honk if you find the suspense unbearable.

“Never mind the woodchucks!” Johnno retorts, performing a secret finger signal to find out whether Lord Jeremy has joined the June Taylor Dancers. It turns out he hasn’t. Johnno is very much relieved. “Mr Pudding’s newts,” he adds, “will soon stamp Scurveyshire’s doom with ‘Return to Sender’!” (We pause for Ms. Crepuscular to reflect on the merits of the U.S. Postal Service.)

“What happens, though.” wonders Lord Jeremy, “if, after they’ve polished off the June Taylor Dancers, the newts turn on us?”

Not knowing the answer to that question, Johnno runs screaming into the forest. There’s no hope of catching him–“Not with that 20-pound accordion I’m carrying around today–I wonder why!” Jeremy soliloquizes.

 

The Mysterious Mr. Pudding (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

Mild-mannered Mr. Pudding, and his newts–he’s so mysterious, not even Violet Crepuscular can tell you what he’s doing here. And she’s the author. It’s her fault.

“All we know,” she feldspars to her readers, “is that it’s Mr. Pudding’s newts, trained killers as they are, vs. the June Taylor Dancers! And the very existence of Scurveyshire is at steak!” (Yes, I know I spelled it wrong.)

Lady Margo Cargo is the first to notice the skeletons in the alley between the village pet shop and the Pike-O-Pay Tooth Care Emporium. She loses no time in reporting it to Constable Chumley, whose reaction is predictable: “Yan spivey fole o’ grist’um good,” he recites.

Busy, busy, busy! A few minutes later it’s Johnno the merry minstrel reporting that he has seen a few of the June Taylor Dancers sneaking around in Scurveyshire’s Forest of No Deposit, No Return. “What are you going to do about it, Constable?” he snaps.

“Fivvy for fordy or fyte,” Chumley concedes.

As for Mr. Pudding himself, Ms. Crepuscular knows hardly anything at all. “Any reader who might have any information on that subject, please contact your local police department and ask them to contact me so I can contact you.”

Mr. Pudding vs. The Deadly Dancers (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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The new plot thread is installed, and it’s a corker! June Taylor Dancers vs. Mr. Pudding’s newts! Grab a ringside seat while you can!

JACKIE GLEASON SHOW: AMERICAN SCENE MAGAZINE, June Taylor ...

Lest anyone should sell short the June Taylor Dancers as a threat, here they are in 1960 marching Jackie Gleason off to a secret facility under Yankee Stadium. There they refashioned his mind. Ouch!

Meanwhile, writes author Violet Crepuscular, The Queen Of Suspense, “Those newts are all trained killers! Under his meek exterior, Mr. Pudding is as mean as Yul Brynner in The Light at the Edge of the World!” We are not convinced that many people saw that movie. But if you watch it very closely, you might catch the fleeting cameo appearance by several of the June Taylor Dancers. They were going to make it a musical, but Kirk Douglas refused to play kazoo and that was that.

Where are we, anyway? Last I heard, it was Chapter DCCXXXII… but this latest one is labeled DCCXXXVIII. Did we just skip six chapters somehow? And whatever happened to Lord Jeremy Coldsore and Constable Chumley?

“They are under cover–so don’t blab about it!” Ms. Crepuscular shushes her readers.

Here’s the original Janet Kendall cover, in case you were missing it and felt rather sad.

Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

Deadly Dancers! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

New life has been injected into your favorite historical romance! I wish we could say the same for Oy, Rodney.

“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!” Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, addresses her readers. “I am about to reveal the reason for Mr. Pudding and his newts being in Scurveyshire. And as Constable Chumley would say, ‘Yare an’ baggidgy!'”

As an editor, I am almost embarrassed to mention this–this I dunno what. Well, here goes.

Mr. Pudding is in Scurveyshire hiding out from the June Taylor Dancers, who have been hired to “whack” him.  He is putting his trust in special magical powers which he believes Lady Margo Cargo to have. (“It’s news to me!” she corruscates.)

Lord Jeremy Coldsore went to see the June Taylor Dancers at the Coccyx Garden in Tibet. That’s how he is able to recognize them sneaking into the village, one by one, despite their clever disguises. “The one done up as The Easter Bunny threw me for a bit,” he confesses, “but then I remembered we’ve already had The Easter Bunny, so this one must be an interloper.”

(“Don’t forget Mr. Pudding’s newts!” Ms. Crepuscular counsels her readers. [I wonder how many there are.] “The June Taylor Dancers won’t get past them as easily as they think!”)

Oops! Where Are the June Taylor Dancers?

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June... - June Taylor Dancers Archives and Vintage photos

Jambo! Byron the Quokka here again, confessing to an oversight.

You will have noticed that the June Taylor Dancers have not been credited for their part in Hoppy & Soppy. My bad! But I do have an excuse: in this episode, the Dancers don’t dance! Instead, they’re the ones having a chariot race in the background.

This mistake has eroded our credibility! And cheesed off the June Taylor Dancers’ myriads of fans. I can’t understand what made me leave them out of the program.

Well, enjoy the chariot race: actually, it’s better than the one in Ben-Hur.