Another Book I’m Not Gonna Read

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Fap! My toilet backed up again–must be time for some past lives regression therapy!

“How can I live as my aware self?”

The Perky Publicist is morphing into the Pesky Publicist, sending me emails about new books I ought to read. This one, whose title I decline to give, lest anyone buy it and then blame me, is all about New Age self-improvement.

Confound it, the Mets lost again! Must be time to re-adjust those chakras.

Why is it that the more technology we have in our lives, the more superstition we get to go with it? Somebody must be reading this bilge. Yee-hah, I was Uncle Floyd in a past life! What? Uncle Floyd is still alive? Well, how many Uncle Floyds are with us now? Coulda knocked me over with a feather.

Up next–join your local Self-Exhumation Society! You could wind up as a bona fide YouTube celebrity.

I Won’t Read This!

Somewhere in Egypt there’s a Roman graffiti that says, “I cannot read the hieroglyphics.” Dude, I know how you feel.

Have I ever given the impression that I’m a sorta trendy guy, a New Ager, a plant masquerading as a human being? Heaven forbid. So why does the Perky Publicist come sniffing around my email, thinking I’d like nothing better than to squirt away several hours of my life reading this bilge?

“The Ancient Power and Wisdom of Women’s Sexuality…” Suddenly we’re back in the 1980s at a PBS fund-raiser, with all these middle-aged women and a few very soft-looking men sagely nodding their heads as the speaker natters on about how wimmin’s menstruations formed the galaxies. Run screaming to the sidewalk.

This here book is about the orgasm as “the highest form of celebrating life” and (oh, crikey, I think I’m gonna hurl) “honoring the orgasm as a sacrament.” (Excuse me! [three-minute break])

The author is a sculptor (groan!) whose clumsy figgers represent “women experiencing the full vibratory [something or other] of their inner core.” What have I done to deserve this?

Up next! A new book on New Age Self-Improvement!

Any New Ager can improve just by shutting up.

A Message from Ezekiel

It takes a particularly dense clod of clay between the ears, to read the prophets in the Bible and not think that God, through them, speaks to us today.

Take, for instance, Chapter 13 of Ezekiel. “Thus saith the Lord God, Woe to the women that sew pillows to all armholes, and make kerchiefs upon the head of every stature to hunt souls! Will ye hunt the souls of my people, and will ye save the souls alive that come unto you?” [Ezekiel 13:18]

We can’t be sure exactly what Ezekiel was talking about, because he was describing something that would have been well-known to his audience, the people of Jerusalem, circa 600 B.C. Pillows? Kerchiefs? But it’s obvious that he’s referring to superstitious practices that were the equivalent of a lot of our own New Age mumbo-jumbo. He could just as well be writing about crystals, animal spirit guides, and ouija boards.

And the Lord goes on to say that He will tear away the kerchiefs and the pillows, and punish the false prophetesses who sell them to a foolish and credulous public, “Because with lies ye have made the heart of the righteous sad, whom I have not made sad; and strengthened the hands of the wicked, that he should not return from his wicked way, by promising him life…” [v.22]

I don’t know about you, but that sounds awfully familiar to me. Lies that demoralize the good? Yeah, I think we might run across a few hundred dozen of those every day, issued authoritatively by our glorious leaders, the nooze media, the UN, and the rest of the usual suspects. Lies that convince the wicked that they’re doing just fine, no need to change, just keep on goin’ as they’re goin’? Gee, I guess if I really put my mind to it, I can probably think of a few behaviors that were sins for thousands and thousands of years, but of course aren’t anymore because our leaders and Hollywood and our hip, seeker-friendly churchmen say so.

Meanwhile, false prophets and charlatans promise us salvation, which usually we can achieve by forking over money to them for some sure-fire magic gizmo or self-help scheme. Pillows and kerchiefs. The narrative: lies told in a good cause, like to Save the Planet.

We really are in trouble.