Self-Esteem Board Games for Collidge Types

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Winter Festival games for the collidge student in your family!

The bad thing about games is that somebody wins. That’s so racist. Imagine snowflakes trying to play Monopoly. No, it just won’t do. Give gifts commensurate with a modern collidge eddication! Games that pump up their self-esteem. Like these.

Everybody Wins! In this board game, there’s only one square and players sit on it forever with nowhere else to go. With every turn, each player gets a $500 bill and a “You’re Fantastic!” card. Each card comes with an uplifting message–“You’re a winner,” “You’re so smart,” “Good job,” “You’ve aced your Graphic Novels 101 exam,” etc.

Take a Knee is a simulated football game in which players kneel and make rude noises whenever the National Anthem is played. You don’t have to know anything about football, because the football game in Take a Knee never actually starts. Any show of disdain for America earns all players, all at once, 50 Social Justice Points. That way, everyone finishes with exactly the same score.

You’re always a winner when you play Self-Identify, the game of defining reality to suit yourself. Just throw the dice and declare “I am now a woman,” “I am the president of my college,” “I am the Sultan of Swat,” or whatever else pops into your head, and the other players joyfully affirm your declaration.

Antifa Roulette casts players as Social Justice Warriors. Spin the Wheel of Combating Fascism and move your piece to whatever square is indicated by the arrow–Savings Bank, Dollar Store, Auditorium, and others–and announce a Protest. All the other players immediately move to that square, at which point the building is burned down and it’s the next player’s turn. Great fun to play while wearing ski masks! The game ends, and everybody wins, when the entire Town Board lies in ruins.

Once these catch on, there will surely be more to come. Watch your favorite student’s eyes light up when ze finds one of these with xer name on it waiting under the Gender Tree!


9 comments on “Self-Esteem Board Games for Collidge Types

  1. “at which point the building is burned down and it’s the next player’s turn“

    This really struck a nerve. During the problems in Ferguson, I remember seeing an AutoZone store which had been burnt down. Many people in low income areas do their own auto repairs and a store like Autozone helps them in this. Autozone has marketed to low income customers and that’s fine with me. If they can help people by providing something they need at a reasonable cost, then they are providing a service to that community.

    I don’t know if that store was ever rebuilt. It may be that the insurance carrier would not be willing to insure a replacement building in that location. The people that set fire to that building did little, of any damage to the Autozone company, but they may have far more damage to their own community.

    1. Years ago, in a late sixties episode of Dragnet, Jack Webb was discussing such matters with a radical of that era. He pointed out that his principles seemed a bit inconsistent; he was willing to cause harm to innocent people in order to further his cause, which was supposed to be to help people. I think some of these SJWs fall into the same trap. Is justice what they want, or is it an agenda that passes itself off as social justice, but really advances something quite different?

  2. The trouble with the “Everyone Wins!” game is that eventually some of the winners will whine because other winners got to go first (or last) or have more “you’re special” cards (or just as many, which is just as bad) or are claiming to be just as special when they aren’t … and so it goes. And some winners will start taking prizes from other winners when they aren’t looking … and so it also goes. And soon the banner will go up: “All Winners Are Equal But Some Winners Are More Equal Than Others.” (Apologies to George Orwell.)

    Glad to see the comments are working again.

  3. How about The Mirror Game: you sit in front of a mirror and your image can be turned into anyone you want to be. The only draw back is when the game ends you have to go back to being a snowflake.

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