Winter Festival games for the collidge student in your family!

The bad thing about games is that somebody wins. That’s so racist. Imagine snowflakes trying to play Monopoly. No, it just won’t do. Give gifts commensurate with a modern collidge eddication! Games that pump up their self-esteem. Like these.

Everybody Wins! In this board game, there’s only one square and players sit on it forever with nowhere else to go. With every turn, each player gets a $500 bill and a “You’re Fantastic!” card. Each card comes with an uplifting message–“You’re a winner,” “You’re so smart,” “Good job,” “You’ve aced your Graphic Novels 101 exam,” etc.

Take a Knee is a simulated football game in which players kneel and make rude noises whenever the National Anthem is played. You don’t have to know anything about football, because the football game in Take a Knee never actually starts. Any show of disdain for America earns all players, all at once, 50 Social Justice Points. That way, everyone finishes with exactly the same score.

You’re always a winner when you play Self-Identify, the game of defining reality to suit yourself. Just throw the dice and declare “I am now a woman,” “I am the president of my college,” “I am the Sultan of Swat,” or whatever else pops into your head, and the other players joyfully affirm your declaration.

Antifa Roulette casts players as Social Justice Warriors. Spin the Wheel of Combating Fascism and move your piece to whatever square is indicated by the arrow–Savings Bank, Dollar Store, Auditorium, and others–and announce a Protest. All the other players immediately move to that square, at which point the building is burned down and it’s the next player’s turn. Great fun to play while wearing ski masks! The game ends, and everybody wins, when the entire Town Board lies in ruins.

Once these catch on, there will surely be more to come. Watch your favorite student’s eyes light up when ze finds one of these with xer name on it waiting under the Gender Tree!