Brett Kavanagh cannot “under any circumstances” be confirmed as a Supreme Court justice: because, according to a crack investigative reporter for The New York Times who has won awards for investigating cracks, Kavangh in 1982 threw a piece of ice at someone.
“It it true and I has proof!” writes investigative journalist Rodney Fungus. “I has got the very ice cube he throwed at a guy in 1982 and there is the picture of it if you don’t believe me but it really is proof and I should ought to get one of them Pulitzer Prizes for it!”
Fungus says he has not yet tracked down where the incident took place, or when, although he’s pretty sure it must have been 1982 “because Jimmy Carter he was president that year and I remember seeing him on TV,” nor has he yet interviewed any witnesses. “I don’t need to do none of that stuff,” he adds. “A woman told me about this disgraceful incident so it must be true.”