I’m too sick to cover any nooze today, and I’ll have to get a lot better before I can even think about cranking out this week’s Newswithviews column; but in the meantime, I am troubled that suddenly they’ve got no one to host the Oscars. Some celebrity I never heard of was going to do it, but it turns out he told a couple of “gay” jokes a few years ago, so he’s out–and they haven’t found a replacement.
I was going to suggest the boxer, Oscar Bonavena, but he died a while ago.
It’s got to be some left-wing loon of an actor who has never, ever, in his whole life said anything that anyone (except Christians and normal people) could possibly object to. Does such a person actually exist?
I have two candidates to offer.
Emmanuel Macron, president of France: he already has a couple of thrones to sit on, if he can’t do the gig standing up. And he may soon be looking for a job, having gotten his countrymen madder than they’ve been at anyone since Hitler. And he despises normal people, loves high taxes, and is a rock-solid globalist and Citizen Of The World. He might be happy to host the Oscars. It just might save him from the guillotine.
But if he’s not available, the next best thing would be a robot–one specially made just for this occasion, who has no personal history of ever saying anything and would be incapable of saying or doing anything except for whatever he’s programmed for. They could call him “Mr. Future,” as in the future of liberalism. As in “Look, this is what the human race will be when we’ve finished with it!”
Either way, they can’t miss.