Beto: ‘Call Me Jose’

In his struggle to win the 2020 Democrat nomination for president, Congressman Robert Francis O’Rourke, dba “Beto O’Rourke,” must overcome the double handicap of not being a “minority” and not being a woman: most Dems say you’ve got to be one or the other, or both, to be president of the United States. Those are the most important qualifications for the office.

Well, poor Beto is neither, even though his current alias is intended to get people to think he’s at least part Mexican. But apparently it is not a big enough part, and Beto is doing something about it.

According to a confidential source who is as close to the candidate as it is possible to be without actually merging with him like in that Bergman movie Persona, “Beto is going to change his name, officially, to Jose Jimenez and put it out that his parents came here illegally and he’s, like, an anchor baby and he’d’a been a Dreamer if there were Dreamers when he was born.”

“It was a tough call for him,” said the source. “He had half a mind to have his sex changed and then call himself Maria Chavez, the long-lost cousin of the late Hugo Chavez; but in the long run, he couldn’t face the operation. You know–like he gets his you-know-what removed and still can’t win the nomination, it’s not like they can just duct-tape it back. So the name change is the way to go.”

The next step, said the source, is “to come up with a really catchy slogan. We’re looking at ‘Down With No-Good Stinkin’ White America,’ but we will entertain further suggestions.”