The city of Grosse Crapaud, Illiniois, wants to acquire an abandoned mental hospital; but it seems all the ones still standing have been spoken for.
“A derelict psychiatric hospital adds so much to a city’s whatchamacallit,” expostulated Mayor Rusty Gibbet. “Grosse Crapaud deserves to have one, too. And if we can’t buy a used one… well, we’ll just have to build one!”
Fixtures are no problem, said Mayor Gibbet. “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure,” he matriculated. “You can get all sorts of broken computers, rotten cushions, wobbly chairs, stinky curtains full of holes–they’re practically giving it away. America is full of unused hospitals going to waste; and those hospitals are full of just the kind of junk we’re looking for.”
Grosse Crapaud’s hospital will never be used as a hospital, the mayor said (“Said?” Did somebody say “said”?) “It won’t matter if the roof leaks, if the cellars fill with bats, if the floors and walls are moldy–even rats don’t matter,” he said.
What, then, is the purpose of a facility that has never been used, never will be used, and also constitutes a health hazard?
The question threw the mayor into a rage. “Somebody here doesn’t like democracy, does he?” he cried. “The derelict mental hospital is an icon of American democracy! It reminds us where we came from! It reminds us where we’re going! It reminds us that we have a president who’s already there!”
[Interview terminated. Sorry!]