G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and why watch the Stupor Bowl, when Quokka University has combed the secret corners of the earth to bring you the very best in television entertainment? Like these:
7:42 P.M. Ch. 88 DANCE THE NEWS!–(Defies Analysis)
The day’s top news stories told in interpretive dance by the June Taylor Dancers! Host: Ayatollah Gabollah Shebang. Featuring some guy with a clear plastic bag over his head.
7:45 P.M. Ch. 13 INSECT TREATS–Haut Cuisine
Well, the United Nations says we should all eat bugs, To Save The :Planet; and no one’s better at catching and eating creepy-crawlies than former mental patient Ike Renfield. Moths, beetles, leaf-hoppers, flies, spiders–if they’re on his rosebushes today, Ike’s eating them! Voice-overs: Marcel Marceau.
8:00 P.M. Ch. 07 THE DISGUSTING RANCH–Western, Sci-Fi
Why do all the cattle raised on Mrs. Soggit’s (Molly Ringwald) land have three eyes, extra legs, horrible violent tempers, and smell funny? That meteorite that crashed into Mensa Mesa last year didn’t help! What otherworldly peril threatens the prairie? Professor Corbaccio: Burgess Meredith A Seductress from Ypsilanti: Bette Davis.
Ch. 29 WHO’S GOT THE GOUT?–Game Show
If you’ve ever had gout, you know how exquisitely painful it is when someone accidentally bumps into your ankle or drops an encyclopedia on your knee. But how well can you hide your pain? Join hosts Chiang Kai-shek and Kathy Lee Crosby as they perform clumsy card tricks for gout patients who keep trying to escape. Featuring George “The Animal” Steele and his orchestra.
8:30 P.M. Ch. 47 MOVIE–Medieval Romance
What happens when two knights (Alan Alda, Hulk Hogan) love the same woman–and they’re both idiots? “Lady Eleanor’s Breezy Boudoir” (Scottish-Tunisian, 1968) features Moe Howard in his only dramatic role as the tragic King Fritzenheimer and Ellen Mellen as ungainly Princess Haakenpantz. Music by Harvey’s Trained Crickets.
So there you go–who wants to watch the Stupor Bowl, anyway? TV shows like this increase your IQ! (It’s been proved by Science!)
And this is Byron the Quokka, signing off…
Well, I’m glad to see the June Taylor Dancers finally have a leading role in something. And is Ayatollah Gabollah Shebang related in any way to Ivan Skavinsky Skavar or Abdul Abulbul Emir? (Anyone else remember that poem?)
I do! My mother used to recite it.
Good to see you are always on the job, Byron, ol buddy.