Pope to Appoint First Muslim Cardinal?

Pachamama: Mother Earth - Bolivia

“Pachamama told me so!”

We have not a shred of confirmation for this nooze story, not a mote of evidence; but in a spirit of contemporary Journalism, we’ll run it out there anyway.

Pope Francis I has reportedly indicated that he will soon appoint the Church’s first Muslim cardinal (acmefalsefacts.com).

Said an unaccredited spokesman for the Vatican who might not really belong there, “Pope Francis was making an offering to Pachamama, the indigenous Amazon goddess, when he thought he heard the wooden image say, ‘Ain’t it time you had a Muslim cardinal?'”

“What could I do but say ‘Yes!’?” the pope may have exclaimed. Well, we think he did.

Normally a man must be a bishop or at least a priest before he can be made a cardinal, but we’ve heard the pope can do just about anything he wants as long as he can get away with it.

According to unreliable reports, there are two candidates for the honor: Mustafa Turhan Bey, a used car dealer in Istanbul, and Ali Magnun, a Saudi Arabian puppeteer.

According to a person who can have no idea what he’s talking about, having a Muslim cardinal is “a big step forward to a global government!” An equally frivolous source has the pope going “Eeny-meeny-miny-mo” to make his decision. “I suppose I could appoint them both,” he may have said, “but I don’t want to rock the boat, Pachamama wouldn’t like it.”

That’s our narrative, at least!

[Editor’s Note: In 2016 the Presbyterian Church USA had a Muslim imam pray at their national conference, an action for which they had to apologize. And that is not satire.]

4 comments on “Pope to Appoint First Muslim Cardinal?

  1. what will this ding bat do next?! If this is true, he is just itching to bring on the antichrist.

  2. Sadly enough, when I saw the headline, I believed it could be happening. I didn’t even catch on until I saw the acmefalsefacts source. And even after that, and even with all the “we have no idea whether this is true” and “untrustworthy source” disclaimers, it STILL sounded possible. It’s almost impossible these days to write satire that’s as crazy as what’s really going on.

    BTW, I may not be around much today. Intermittent thunderstorms in the area.

    1. Meanwhile he’s going to something called a “smudging ceremony” (and I don’t really want to know what that is)/

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