G’day, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s most polyphonic TV shows brought to you by Quokka University, where visiting Pick-Up Sticks teams go to die. A sample from our menu:
8:30 a.m. Ch. 03 MOVIE–Quasi-coherent documentary
In “The Lost Colony” (Syrian, 2021: 876 minutes), we have the world’s first AI robot-written script–and it’s a doozy. Why couldn’t they find the Lost Colony? Host Leonard Nimoy explains: Because they didn’t look in the right place! And all because of a simple mis-spelling! Somebody (Jason Robards) carved the world “Croatoan” in a tree when he was supposed to carve “Croatian.” The colony went to Croatia! Sir Walter Raleigh: Michael J. Pollard. Queen Elizabeth I: Jane Flintstone.
Ch. 12 DENNIS THE MENACE TO LIFE AND LIMB–Horror series
This cute little 8-year-old boy turns into a ravenous wolf every full moon, and the death toll in his neighborhood can hardly be believed. Tonight: Dennis drags a top-ranked boxer (Henry Gibson) out of his car and eats him. Police chief: Paul Anka. Annoying next-door neighbors: the June Taylor Dancers. Special guest star: Fopsy the Lizard.
8:45 a.m. Ch. 18 CRACK-UP NEWS–News & commentary
Anchorman Bud Knish thinks everything he hears is screamingly funny, and his hysterical response to every news item has made this the Number One-rated news show in Albania! (“We’d cancel it, only it’s the most popular show we’ve got,” admits network president Pop Kavinga.) Special report: “Middle school kids who identify as insects.” Bud can hardly contain himself!
9 a.m. Ch. 44 THE BEST OF KATYA BARBASOL–Inane chatter
Find out why everyone in Palookastan has rushed out to buy a TV set! Yes, Katya Barbasol, daughter of jailed toothpaste magnate Larry Barbasol, knows how to get her guests to admit to all sorts of crazy behavior! Tonight: Richard Deacon, sweatshop owner; Mamie Eisenhower, pick-pocket.
9:18 a.m. Ch. 61 TO BE ANNOUNCED–(We have no idea)
(Lee says this show used to be on every night when he was a kid, although he wasn’t allowed to stay up to 1 a.m. to watch it.) We admit it: we have no idea at all as to the content or even the title of this show. It will be a complete surprise package. Personally, I can hardly wait! I hope it turns out to be jai-alai.
There you have it, folks. Grab some marshmallow peeps and settle in for hours and hours of soul-destroying indolence (just kidding!).
Come on in! We’re just warming up the TV.
Wow, too funny! But I do think the June Taylor Dancers should be able to stomp the werewolf, no matter how ravenous it may be. Maybe their failure to do it is what makes them so annoying? And speaking of odd dietary habits, those middle-schoolers who identify as insects had better watch out, or Bill Gates and Klaus Schwab will turn them into comestibles.
“Middle school kids who identify as insects.” Some already identify as animals, and they are allowed to do so. So it may not be parody, for I am sure that somewhere, a few may really identify as insects.
Anchorman Bud Knish who thinks everything he hears is screamingly funny, might have been a reality 30 years ago, when confronted by the insanity of folks that cannot define what a woman is, believe a man can get pregnant, that there are many genders, not only two, and that people would really vote for Biden.