G’day, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s most polyphonic TV shows brought to you by Quokka University, where visiting Pick-Up Sticks teams go to die. A sample from our menu:
8:30 a.m. Ch. 03 MOVIE–Quasi-coherent documentary
In “The Lost Colony” (Syrian, 2021: 876 minutes), we have the world’s first AI robot-written script–and it’s a doozy. Why couldn’t they find the Lost Colony? Host Leonard Nimoy explains: Because they didn’t look in the right place! And all because of a simple mis-spelling! Somebody (Jason Robards) carved the world “Croatoan” in a tree when he was supposed to carve “Croatian.” The colony went to Croatia! Sir Walter Raleigh: Michael J. Pollard. Queen Elizabeth I: Jane Flintstone.
Ch. 12 DENNIS THE MENACE TO LIFE AND LIMB–Horror series
This cute little 8-year-old boy turns into a ravenous wolf every full moon, and the death toll in his neighborhood can hardly be believed. Tonight: Dennis drags a top-ranked boxer (Henry Gibson) out of his car and eats him. Police chief: Paul Anka. Annoying next-door neighbors: the June Taylor Dancers. Special guest star: Fopsy the Lizard.
8:45 a.m. Ch. 18 CRACK-UP NEWS–News & commentary
Anchorman Bud Knish thinks everything he hears is screamingly funny, and his hysterical response to every news item has made this the Number One-rated news show in Albania! (“We’d cancel it, only it’s the most popular show we’ve got,” admits network president Pop Kavinga.) Special report: “Middle school kids who identify as insects.” Bud can hardly contain himself!
9 a.m. Ch. 44 THE BEST OF KATYA BARBASOL–Inane chatter
Find out why everyone in Palookastan has rushed out to buy a TV set! Yes, Katya Barbasol, daughter of jailed toothpaste magnate Larry Barbasol, knows how to get her guests to admit to all sorts of crazy behavior! Tonight: Richard Deacon, sweatshop owner; Mamie Eisenhower, pick-pocket.
9:18 a.m. Ch. 61 TO BE ANNOUNCED–(We have no idea)
(Lee says this show used to be on every night when he was a kid, although he wasn’t allowed to stay up to 1 a.m. to watch it.) We admit it: we have no idea at all as to the content or even the title of this show. It will be a complete surprise package. Personally, I can hardly wait! I hope it turns out to be jai-alai.
There you have it, folks. Grab some marshmallow peeps and settle in for hours and hours of soul-destroying indolence (just kidding!).
Come on in! We’re just warming up the TV.