Byron’s TV Listings, May 8

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G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of spectacular TV brought to you by Quokka University. Just don’t ask us where we get it!

Without any further ado–we’re just about out of ado, anyhow–here’s a sample.


You won’t get rich, but you might get entertained. What the heck, it’s only money. Let Gumby and Poky show you how to invest it.


Anyone with information leading to the arrest and conviction of Gumby, please contact the Channel 3 Fraud Squad. $15 reward!

8:15   Ch. 5   CROCKED NEWSTALK–News and Commentary

You have to be noticeably intoxicated before they let you join this panel. Tonight’s celebrity drunkard: Big-game hunter Hap “Oops!” Chandler. Tonight’s topic: “String Theory: Who ****ing Gives a ****?” With Xi Jin Ping and his orchestra.

9 A.M.  Ch. 12   MOVIE–Waste of time

“Hamlet Prince of Denmark, Michigan” (2002)  Re-adaptation of Shakespeare’s Hamlet in modern dress and setting, with Hamlet as the son trying to inherit a shoe store after his father is murdered by Brownies. Hamlet: Alec Guinness. Father’s Ghost: Ben Dover. Ophelia: Zsa Zsa Gabor. Polonius: the Bowery Boys. With Henny Youngman’s Joke Machine.


While a rogue shark picks off Dodge City’s innocent swimmers, Sheriff Flimsy (John Gielgud) must ask Ma (Shari Lewis) to buckle on her guns again to deal with a mysterious stranger who shoots everybody. Dusty the Dog: James Whitmore. Sid the Horse: Alva Toffler  Mary Ellen the Beetle: Linda Hunt.

Well, there you have it–just a taste of what awaits you when you tune into Quokka UTV.

Play Ball! with Norbert

I’m still hopeful that Norbert will make it to my imaginary party tomorrow, but I forgot he has an imaginary baseball game scheduled for the afternoon.

Don’t sell him short–he has a 1.000 on-base percentage! If you think Eddie Gaedel was hard to throw a strike to… well, Norbert’s strike zone is actually smaller than the baseball.

The Story Of Eddie Gaedel, Major League Baseball's Shortest Player

Eddie Gaedel at bat.

Indeed, there’s a lot of controversy as to whether Norbert even has a strike zone.

Well, we’ll save him some goodies in case he shows up. The imaginary caterer is equal to any situation.

Setting Up My Birthday Party

Birthday Cake by Grandma Moses on artnet

“Birthday Cake” by Grandma Moses

Just because it’s an imaginary birthday party doesn’t mean you don’t have to do the work. Those of you who’ve already shown up, you can help me set up for tomorrow. And we’ve got a keg of root beer that requires our attention.

Here in real life, it’s cold and grey and rainy. We will have perfect weather for the party: plenty of lawn chairs around the big catalpa tree for sing-alongs, tall tales, and Mad Libs. By all means, Mad Libs. Have you noticed the tree is occupied by cardinals and bluebirds?

Our celebrity guests will be Byron the Quokka and Norbert. Quokkas are already setting up the Monopoly table.

Remember, you’re all invited, we’re going to have a wonderful (albeit imaginary) time… and there will be no nooze. It’s my birthday, and I’ll bar the doors to the nooze if I want to, so there.


‘The Most Trusted People in America’ (2013)

See the source image

If you can cook the books, you can cook a poll.

If nothing else, this caper by Reader’s Digest shows us how to cook a poll to get the answers you want. Why Reader’s Digest wanted those answers is a dark mystery.

The Most Trusted People in America

So how does Tom Hanks wind up “the Most Trusted Person in America” (barf bag, please)? Easy. Present respondents with a prepared list with no one on it but liberals, “entertainers,” and liberal entertainers, and make sure you take the poll only on college campuses.

We’re never so stupid that our ruling class doesn’t want us even stupider.

‘He Who Would Valiant Be’ (with Train Ride)

I am so late today! But I can’t help it. By the time the weekend comes around, I’m shot.

John Bunyan’s hymn, He Who Would Valiant Be–also known as To Be a Pilgrim–was inspired by a dream he had after reading Hebrews 11.

I do wish I could have a seat on this train! The North York Moors Railway wends its leisurely way through Goathland, Yorkshire.

I wonder if there’s a train that takes us to Heaven.

Quokka Home Movies

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with some of my family’s home movies. I wanted to post footage of us playing Clue, but everybody else wanted to show the juggling. We love watching humans juggle! It’s sort of a quokka thing–maybe because we are so no good at juggling, ourselves.

We Get Moar Woak Evry Day!!!!

Artificial respiration | Britannica

Heer “at” Collidge we alyaws “are” Try to get moar and maor Woak becose yiu Jist cant “get” Tooo Woak!!!! and So our Stoodint Soviet we has voated “to” Ban Artrafissile Repserration AND aslo CPR!!!!!

As yiu can sea fromb “The” pixture,, theez heer things they can maik yore Arms and Leggs fawl offf!!!!!!! but that isnt wye we band themb!!

No! Wee band Artrophycial Rasporassion becose It Is Kisssing!!!! It is Kisssing whith-oat Consent!!!!!!!!! Waht cood be moar Secksist???

And CPR it “is” jist “the” saim!!!! It is dooing somb thing To somb boddy whith-oaut thare Con-Sent!!!!! I mean comb on Man (pressadint Bydin he sayes That al “the” Tyme!!)!!! Lyke, watt “iff” thay doughnt Whant no CPR??? Watt iff “thay” doughnt whant no Icky Perdson who probbly has The Vyris kisssing themb???

Whell of coarse The Woak Thing “to do” is to jist leeve themb Aloan!!!!!!!!!!

We “Are” alll prowd Of our Woak=ness heer!!!

Somb Hater he sayed whell yiu “doughnt ask” a Baybe’s Con-Sennt befoar yiu has a Bortion, do yiu???? Butt we jist beet “himb” up!!!!!

Your Tax Dollars at Work: Scalped Babies

File:Christ the Judge and Praying Angels, 1365-69, Milan, Pinacoteca di  Brera..jpg - Wikimedia Commons

There is a Judge of all the earth, and He will not ignore this.

It distresses me to have to report such nooze as this; but we have to know what we’re up against.

Under the, uh, leadership of Dr. Fudgy Fauci, the National Institute of Health gave the University of Pittsburgh a $400,000 grant for an “experiment” in which the scalps of aborted babies were affixed to shaved rats to see if it would grow hair on the rats ( Mice, too. The idea was to create “humanized” rats and mice to study the human immune system. A petition has been gotten up against it.

These people have no fear of God at all. But He will judge them nevertheless.

Can you imagine doing things like this for a living? Scalping aborted babies.

And it’s done with public money–that we worked for. Not that anybody asked us first. But then they never ask.

Science marches on–straight toward the edge of the cliff.


You’re Invited to My Party!

Old Wooden Porch Swing Hanging On A Front Porch Of An Old Home Stock Photo,  Picture And Royalty Free Image. Image 20929701.

Sunday is my birthday, 72 years’ burdening the earth, and you’re all invited to my party. Our apartment isn’t suitable, so I’m constructing an imaginary house with a big back porch and a porch swing (gee, that picture looks like Grandpa’s porch! Just exactly like it!), horseshoe pits in the yard, folding tables for Monopoly games–the works. It’ll all be ready by Sunday morning.

There’ll be beer, cigars, wine, soft drinks, fruit punch; cake, donuts, crabcakes; and I wouldn’t be surprised if a few of you showed up with the means of making music for us. (You know who you are!) Hamburgers, hot dogs, spare ribs. I am prepared to spend however much imaginary money it takes to make this imaginary party a success.

If we put our minds to it and all work together, we just might look like a Grandma Moses painting.

So who’s gonna be there? Everyone’s invited.

Now excuse me while I set some lawn chairs under the catalpa tree…

How to Make Your Ratings Go Up

Sales Graph Negative Means Disaster Down And Chart 3d Rendering Stock Photo  - Download Image Now - iStock

They could always try hanging the chart upside-down…

So there’s this noozie whose show is at the very bottom of the ratings heap, Brian Something… is it Swelter? Brian Swelter? (Nah, that’s the mean chef in Gormenghast.)

How is this fat bald guy supposed to get his ratings up? Believe it or not, he solved the problem.

By going on vacation! (

Him not being there caused his show’s dismal ratings to improve. Only slightly, but one has to start somewhere. His show might really get a shot in the arm if he resigns and disappears from public view.

Noozies, we don’t love you anymore.