fake sports – Lee Duigon

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

Relax! April Fool is over, we can all go back to playing it straight–well, at least with TV listings.

Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s frustication of glorious TV. And here are just a few samples.

6 P.M. Ch. 12 TASTE-TESTING CAT FOOD–(Indescribable)

Our panel of celebrities (who have all done something wrong, and are trying to get out of it) taste-test new brands of cat food. This week’s panel: Chuck Connors, Chiang Kai-shek, Miss America, and Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers in the background.

6:14 P.M. Ch. 19 JIMMY FRAUD’S JOURNAL–Sloppy news reporting

America’s most credulous journalist interviews a man in Yimpton, New Jersey, who once saw Rachel Ray in a car somewhere. Also featured: Semifinals of the annual Forgotten World Leaders Impersonations in Tajikistan, Vermont. Great imitation of that guy Whatsisname in Indonesia!

6:30 P.M. Ch. 06 MOVIE–Greek tragedy

In “Oedipus Wrecks” (Chinese-Hittite, 1997), the jolly Greek king (Soupy Sales) finds out he gouged out his eyes for nothing: his mother and father are still alive and well and vacationing in Acapulco, they were only kidding about being dead. Just how far can Oedipus take a joke? Oracle: Jimmy Durante. Queen Annabell: Phyllis Diller.

Ch. 32 YANCY POPGUN–Western drama

How dangerous was it to roam the Wild West armed only with a toy gun that you insist is real? Yancy (Elisha Cook Jr.) never backs down from a showdown! This week: An innocent little boy (Dan Duryea) begs Yancy to save his father (Flip Wilson) from the hangman. Judge Reindeer: A real reindeer, no joke.

7 P.M. Ch. 116 BLINDFOLD BASEBALL–Sports

The Toronto Fizzies take on the El Paso Fragments in the new, incredibly dangerous sports sensation, blindfold baseball! (And no, we don’t want to hear any of those old jokes about umpires.) If you think batting against pitches you can’t see is risky, wait’ll you see the chaos on the basepaths. Play-by-play: Marcel Marceau Color commentary: Gorilla Monsoon.

Well, folks, there you go! Some of that cat food that they have to taste, I don’t know how they do it…

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This is Byron the Quokka, signing off. Happy viewing!

Fake Fans in the Stands Are Causing Real Problems for Teams

You’d almost think some evil genius had seized control of baseball and was doing everything he could to make it ridiculous, contemptible, and low. Like, “Major League Baseball”–the bad joke that replaced the American and National Leagues, which were competing business entities–signs a sweetheart deal with Communist China, and then turns around and attacks the state of Georgia for trying to clean up its election laws.

Ha, ha. The 2021 so-called baseball season has begun. And, Because COVID, fans aren’t allowed in the ballpark. But they solved that problem last year while I wasn’t looking.

This year, for a mere $100, you can have a cardboard cutout of yourself set up in the stands at the Houston Astros ballpark (https://abc13.com/astros-fan-cutouts-buy-cutout-how-to-be-at-minute-maid-park-mmp/6318214/). Have your picture taken “in your gear”–is that the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard? I think it may well be–and the Astros will turn it into a life-sized cardboard cutout.

And! And! And there will be canned cheering!

What more could you want?

So first “baseball” gave us player strikes, quality starts, and bullpen by committee; then Gay Day at the Ol’ Stadium, celebrate sodomy; and now they demand we believe that any effort to restore integrity to the electoral process is “Jim Crow” on steroids and we punished Georgia by pulling the All-Star Game out of Atlanta I guess that’ll learn you racist peasants–!

And in return we get cardboard fans and canned crowd noise.

Somebody please tell me this is just a movie, and it’s almost over.

Hello? Hello…?