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We’re into the Christmas season now, so get ready for sophomoric attacks on “religion”–by which they mean the Christian religion, and no other–launched by self-anointed Smart People with the manners of howler monkeys.
I’m ashamed of my town, re-naming its Christmas celebration “Winter Festival” and lighting a tree that stands for absolutely nothing.
If they’re ashamed of Jesus Christ, will they still look to Him to plead for them on Judgment Day?
Holy cow, it’s Labor Day Weekend already! Byron the Quokka here, bringing you fantastic TV shows obtained by means I must not describe and broadcast by Quokka University. Here’s a brief glimpse at the menu!
6:37 P.M. Ch. 09 HOWLER MONKEY NEWSBRIEFS–News (sort of)
News is always more impressive when howler monkeys screech it at the top of their lungs. You’ll know it’s bad news if they start throwing things. Anchor: Dan Rather (looking to make a comeback). Screech interpreter: Casey Stengel.
7 P.M. Ch. 00 JODI’S MYTHOLOGICAL KITCHEN–Cooking Show
The “Double-naught Network” made its debut with Chef Jodi Toady whipping up treats inspired by the more dubious aspects of Greek mythology. You’ll never be the same once you’ve tried Centaur Donuts or Medusa’s Hair Pasta (it wriggles!). Tonight: the June Taylor Dancers visit Jodi’s kitchen and have to be carried out on stretchers.
Ch. 16 CLOWN COUNTRY–Western (we think)
What if instead of cowboys, the Old West was full of clowns? Saloon doors swing open, in stomps Buzzy in his floppy shoes six sizes too big for him, and splat!–hit in the face with a pie! Mr. Turnip stars as the sheriff of Clown Town, where it’s always seltzer bottles at high noon. Tonight: Serial murderer Emmet Kelly shares his tragical story with Queen Gesundheit (Dame Judith Anderson).
7:30 P.M. Ch. 36 AMERICA’S GOT NOTHIN’–Game/quiz show
Randomly-selected college seniors demonstrate their ignorance as host John Kerry bombards them with questions that he can’t answer, either. “How many miles in a ten-mile hike?” “Where do you live?” “What happens when you mix hot water with more hot water?” The last time they got one right was in 1996.
8 P.M. Ch. 81 MOVIE–Adventure
In “Hands Across the Sahara” (Swiss-Numidian, 1983) the Bowery Boys, led by Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, and Jackie Chan, explore the Sahara Desert looking for a vast reservoir of 3-in-1 oil. Song: “Oh, My Poor Coccyx!” Special guest star: Morty the Giant Cicada. The only movie ever directed by Arthur Schlesinger.
Well, there you have it! Invite your friends over and have a blast, watching stuff like this. We all love that quiz show, America’s Got Nothin’–it makes even the dumbest duck-billed platypus feel smart!
(Hurrying home to watch the shows! Byron the Quokka, signing off)