Byron’s TV Listings

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of spectacular TV, brought to you by Quokka University, where I have the honor to teach Political Science… and introduce our TV listings. Just don’t ask where we’re getting these shows. I can’t be prosecuted if I don’t know… can I?

March 20, 4:30 P.M.


One of the four celebrity panelists has a secret that would turn him into a national laughing-stock, an object of universal loathing, if it ever got out–and it’s the job of the contestants to find out what it is! Host: Joey Stalin. With Typhoid Mary and the Pandemics.


So how do you master the intricate tactics and strategies of Chutes and Ladders? Join former world Chess Champion Boris Spassky as he tries to teach the game to incredibly dense college professors who just can’t seem to get it.

12  MOVIE–“Killer Quokkas from Rigel IV” (1958: Science Fiction) When killer quokkas invade New York City, the Bowery Boys are forced to take action. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Admiral Benbow: Pinky Lee  Mayor Threadbare: Joey Heatherton  Horace Clarke Chapter of B’Nai B’rith: Themselves.

Hey, wait now, hold on there! I really must object in the strongest possible terms! Speaking for all quokkas everywhere, I must say that we would NEVER attack New York–but if we did, by gum, the Bowery Boys wouldn’t stop us! Wait’ll I find out who selected this movie. They’ll wish their fathers had never met their mothers!

Quokka Facts | Mental Floss

4:53 P.M.  Ch 02  SHUT UP, STUPID! (Discussion)

Join host Mr. T as he moderates a debate between Rosie O’Donnell and a large root vegetable on the topic, “Are progressives really all that smart?” This is the “incident” that ended Rosie’s career! Also featuring Angela Merkel and her orchestra.

Well, that’s all for now. I have to go find the jidrool responsible for that stupid quokka movie.

Watch everything else!


Byron’s TV Listings

Quokkas tend to invite people over for a nice home-cooked meal every so  often; they'll even wait for their guests by the door to greet them as soon  as they arri… |

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, from Quokka University Broadcasting. By popular demand, here are some of today’s TV listings. Don’t ask me where we got those channels and all those shows. We have a Fifth Amendment here on Rottnest Island, and it’s got my name on it!

3:39 P.M.

04. Jan Can’t Cook. Your recipes are bound to turn out better than hers. Guest: Rachel Ray (tied to chair and gagged).

05. Toiling Away in Misery (Soap Opera). Danny and Sarah are exasperated when their little girl gets arrested for barratry. Danny: Vladimir Putin. Sarah: Una O’Connor.

07. “Itching for Trouble” (Movie, 1956). The Bowery Boys travel to London to perform a Shakespeare play. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, John Gielgud, Sophie Tucker.

3:56 P.M.

11. Beat the Zoning! (Game Show) See who can get past the town’s zoning board with the most objectionable building project. Contestants are all well-known shady developers. Host: Billy Sleaze.

04. Jan Still Can’t Cook! On the menu: Termite Puffs, Weed Salad, Unidentified Soup. Jan’s Therapist: Kim Jong Un.

12. College Bawl (Quiz). Teams from Harvard and Ohio State still deadlocked over last week’s question, “Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb?” Host: Zacherley.

Well, that’s all for now! I’ve got to get far away from here before somebody gets arrested. I’ll be back with more next week, if we’re still on the air.

Quokka U. TV Listings

Meet the Quokka

As promised, boys ‘n’ girls, here are more TV listings. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that Quokka University has its own TV network–but I’ll let Byron the Quokka explain.

[Enter, laughing] G’day! Don’t ask me how we got all those TV shows–I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. Just enjoy the listings–and if anyone asks, I haven’t been here today.

1 p.m.

02. Movie, “Dadburn!” (1952) A middle-aged seamstress (Linda Hunt) comes to terms with herself and becomes a professional assassin. Scotty: James Doohan. Number One: Barbara Billingsly.

03. Literary Mischief. E.M. Forster takes Virginia Woolf to the drive-in movie, unaware that J.D. Salinger has hidden a body in the back seat. Forster: Godfrey Cambridge. Woolf: Loretta Young.

07. What’s My Delusion? (Game Show) Host: Angela Merkel. The wildest delusion gets the wildest prize.

1:30 p.m.

04. Mid-Day News with Harpo Marx.

07. Sports. “Fishing with the Sadducees.”

09. The Gallumphing Gourmet (Cooking). Making hamburgers with ingredients that don’t exist. Guest: Clairvoyant Claire and the voice of Emperor Tiberius.

[Hey! Where did Byron go? Something tells me his heart isn’t in this.]

‘Late Night TV, Circa 1958’ (2013)

See the source image

I can pronounce it now, but I still don’t understand it.

Now they’ve got 150-some channels instead of just three or four, and yet it doesn’t seem there’s half as much on as there used to be.

Oh, those old TV listings! Endless fascination for a 10-year-old who was packed off to bed at 8 o’clock.

Well, this is a blog for sharing memories, isn’t it? I’d love to hear some of yours.