Tag: Violet Crepuscular

The Fate of a Mysterious Stranger (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Violet Crepuscular introduces Chapter CCCL of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, with a recipe for Nebraska Crabcakes with Colgate toothpaste. The less said about that, the better.

Our story picks up with the mysterious stranger who looks like Broderick Crawford behaving erratically. This is of great concern to Lord Jeremy Coldsore. Not only has this mysterious stranger become his rival for the hand of Lady Margo Cargo (the right hand, I think: the left was chewed off by a goat); but it’s impossible to arrest him because of his uncanny resemblance to Sir Osmund Footeball, who has friends in Buckingham Palace and it would be awkward to arrest him by mistake. “Tis a drough theever, M’Lord,” explains Constable Chumley.

While Sir Osmund contents himself with pressing his face to shop windows to frighten the customers, the other Broderick Crawford look-alike has begun to run around Scurveyshire in random directions, keeping it up until he runs into a tree. When that happens, his head makes a resounding Bong!

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This is what he looks like between bongs.

“Ain’t we gonna stop him, Germy?” asks the American adventurer, Willis Twombley, who thinks he is Sargon of Akkad. “I could shoot him.”

“Only to find out we’ve shot Sir Osmund Footeball!” cries Jeremy. “There’d be a spot of trouble over that, old boy!”

Bong! He’s done it again.

By now half of Scurveyshire is watching his maneuvers. Anyone but this stranger would be unconscious by now. And then it happens…

Bong! And this time the stranger’s forehead splits open, revealing a strange collection of gears, push-rods, and valves. He falls backward to the ground and this time doesn’t get up.

“Well dog my cats!” exclaims Twombley. “A mechanical man! Where do you suppose that came from?”

“Not from anyone who wishes us well!” expounds Lord Jeremy. “Let’s find someone to clean up the mess–while we start an investigation.”

Urgent! Historical Note!

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Research by Ms. Violet Crepuscular reveals that Lord Jeremy Coldsore’s great-great-grandnephew, once removed, is now permanently removed.

In fact, this descendant of the Scurveyshire nobility, Mr. Genghis MacShoy, was the last person in Britain executed by a circular firing squad, in 1957–having been found guilty of posing as the Prince of Wales and trying to sell off royal property.

As usual, several members of the firing squad were seriously wounded. This led to the abolition of this particular means of execution.

“That never used to happen when they did it with crossbows,” mused the deer queen.

Violet’s Fan Mail (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Rather than move on to the next chapter of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney–because she hasn’t gotten around to writing it–Violet Crepuscular has decided this week to share some of her fan mail. “I have decided, dear readers, to share some of the fan mail I’ve gotten from all over the world,” she explains. I thought I’d already said that.

From Brazzaville, Congo Republic: “You are as great a writer as Shakespeare, my dear Miss Crepuscular! I have therefor chosen you to help administer my $5 million inheritance! Please send me your credit card and social security numbers.”

From Bad Axe, Michigan: “I was going to drown myself in the bathtub, but I got so hooked on reading your epic romance that I forget to put my head under the water. I did get terribly wrinkly, but it was worth it!”

From Ongs Hat, New Jersey: “Where can I buy one of those wading pools like the vicar has? I have several neighbors that need to disappear.”

From Fimbo University: “Deer Mis Crapuckaller, Wee ‘are’ reeding yore boock in Nothing Studies and it is reely grate, axxept ‘thare’ is a lott of speling and grammer airers in it!!'”

From death row, Mount Doom State Prison: “Please keep writing! The governor says they won’t fix me up with Old Sparky until after I’ve finished reading Oy, Rodney.”

From Arkham, Massachusetts: “They think they’ve got troubles in Scurveyshire? Hah! At least they haven’t got shoggoths crawling up and down the streets all night.”

From Reykjavik, Iceland: “Help! My husband has fallen madly in love with Lady Margo Cargo. I have half a mind to get an upholstered wooden leg myself, just to keep up with the competition. Meanwhile, do you have a recipe for salt cod with toothpaste?”

“Those are only a few of the fan letters I’ve received from readers all over the world,” writes Ms. Crepuscular. “And no, I don’t have a recipe for salt cod with toothpaste–but I will soon!”

Problems, Problems! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Introducing Chapter CCCXXII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular cautions her readers, “Please exercise caution in reading this chapter, as it contains graphic descriptions of a no-longer approved medical procedure.” In actuality, she seems to have forgotten to write those graphic descriptions, so there’s really no need for any kind of caution here.

Johnno the Merry Minstrel is not so merry lately, as he suffers complications from the gizzardectomy performed on him by Dr. Fanabla. The doctor suspects the gizzard is trying to grow back. This can be a problem when you remove a chap’s gizzard. “The only solution is a transfusion!” declares the doctor. He then proceeds to transfuse blood from Johnno’s left arm into Johnno’s right arm. This seems to do the trick. “They’re going to wind up having to name the Royal Society of Surgeons after me!” the doctor exults.

Meanwhile no charges against the Wise Woman of the Woods can be made to stick, as there is no law in this part of England against buying up all the axolotls in a curiosity shop. As Scurveyshire’s justice of the peace, Lord Jeremy Coldsore has no alternative but to release her.

There is, however, a hitch. “She don’t wanna leave the hoosegow, ol’ hoss,” reports Willis Twombley, the American adventurer. Lord Jeremy has to rush over to the jailhouse to evict her.

“You can’t sell me on leaving this cell,” she replies, with a feeble attempt at a crepuscularity. (Really, Violet, it’s not up to your standard.) “I’d forgotten what a bonny thing it is to have a roof over one’s head and three meals a day prepared by someone else. From now on, you may address me as the Wise Woman of the Gaol.” “Gaol,” Ms. Crepuscular informs us, is how people in Britain misspell the word “jail.” “Even Oscar Wilde never learned how to spell it right,” she adds.

Here the chapter breaks for want of anything more to say.

Byron: Only 230 Comments to Go!

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Holy moly, the suspense is killin’ me! In fact, there’s not a quokka here who bothered to go to work today. They’re all glued to their computers, waiting to see who’s going to post Comment No. 50,000 on this blog.

Byron the Quokka here, with the update–and like the man in the headline said, there’s only 230 comments to go, to get to 50,000.

And the winner wins an official and bona fide Quokka T-shirt! Your choice of red (XL) or very dark blue (L). Yeah, I know they’re big. That’s why you can use ’em for nighties. And if they’re too big for you, just imagine how big they are for us. But you can always wear too big somehow; you can’t always wear too small.

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Well, gotta go! One of the quokkas is getting up a pool, and I want to submit my guess as to who will win the contest. The pool prize is an interview with Violet Crepuscular!

The Author Seems Confused (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Violet Crepuscular makes an impassioned statement to her readers.

“I deplore, I execrate, I denounce that critic who has called my work ‘Tristram Shandy for Dummies’!” she writes. “Well, I call his work Dumb and Stupid Stuff for Real Dummies! Hah!”

With this out of her system, she launches into Chapter CCCXIX of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney–which, she hastens to add, is not for dummies at all.

“We have reached that point in the story wherein all of Scurveyshire is about to be sucked down into the nameless abyss under the wading pool in the vicar’s back yard–”

Oops. “Dear reader, excuse me!” she writes. “I’m so upset and confused, I hardly know what I’m doing. We have not reached that point in the story! Far from it. Oh, those critics! Let me see if a few glasses of whiskey can help me get my thoughts in order.”

Eventually she gets around to telling us that Johnno the Merry Minstrel, who has swallowed his harmonica, is being examined by Dr. Fanabla. The examination is difficult because anything Johnno tries to say just comes out as random musical notes.

“I’m afraid there’s nothing for it but radical exploratory surgery,” says the doctor. “Somewhere inside him there’s a harmonica that has to be removed. I fear it’s lodged in his gizzard.” Johnno rolls his eyes and tries to protest, but all that comes out sounds vaguely like “Yankee Doodle.” Lord Jeremy chides him for being unpatriotic. The doctor shakes his head. “Tricky business, taking out the gizzard,” he says. Johnno has to be restrained.

Meanwhile Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he is Sargon of Akkad, suspects the Wise Woman of the Woods of being in league with the medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney. “Why else would she have bought up all the axolotls that they had in stock?” he said. “Germy, ol’ hoss, you better let me shoot her.”

“That won’t get us any axolotls,” Lord Jeremy replies. “Have to be more subtle than that, old boy! Someone summon Constable Chumley! I want him to arrest her.”

But a note from the constable says “Frithee more, yair manitoes be sacklin’.”

The rest of the chapter is illegible.

 

A Poetic Interlude (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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There’s more to Ms. Violet Crepuscular than just Oy, Rodney and bas-cuisine. Earlier this week she acquired a new pet, a freshwater clam named Farfel. She was kind enough to send us a video of him in action.

We are not told what the clam is eating. Maybe a few crumbs of Violet’s toothpaste sandwich cookies.

And now, on to Chapter CCCXVII of Violet’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney.

Terribly disappointed in the advice he’s been getting from the Wise Woman of the Woods, Lord Jeremy Coldsore turns to Johnno the Merry Minstrel. “With a little practice, old man, you, too, could be an oracle. We need someone much more reliable than that silly old trout in the woods. You could do it standing on your head!”

This is precisely what Johnno tries to do. It requires several attempts before he is able to remain standing on his head long enough to act as an oracle. The position achieved, he then makes his first oracular utterance.

“If you would lift Black Rodney’s curse,

And hopefully not make it worse,

Forget those foolish morris dancers:

They’re not the ones who have the answers!

“Instead, resort to axolotls

Confined in one-quart whiskey bottles–”

This is as far as he can get without falling down. But Lord Jeremy is impressed. “Keep it up, man, keep it up!” he cries. “What do we do with the axolotls after we confine them in the bottles?”

“My lord,” gasps Johnno, “I don’t know! And my head hurts something dreadful! Why don’t we get the axolotls first, and then I’ll try again?”

“Oh, very well!” grumbles Lord Jeremy. “It can’t be all that hard to obtain a few axolotls–provided they’re in season, this time of the year.”

Here the chapter ends. “This is how I heighten the suspense and keep the reader reading,” Ms. Crepuscular confides in her readers. “Besides which, I think Farfel might be ready to learn a trick or two.”

The Wedding–at Last! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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In Chapter CCCVII of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Lord Jeremy, seeing that the vicar has somewhat recovered from his latest bout of conniptions, takes the bull by the horns and decides to go ahead with his wedding to Lady Margo Cargo, the richest widow in Scurveyshire. The quickly patched-together ceremony is held on the front grounds of Lady Margo’s luxurious country house.

“We are met together,” intones the vicar, “to join these two peoples in woolly matrimony. If there is anybody here who knows of any reason why these two should not wed, let him speak now or forever hold his pieces.”

Up from his chair springs a little bald-headed man whom no one has ever seen before. “Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know the reason!” Everybody stares. The vicar smiles benignly, as if he doesn’t fully understand the situation.

“And what, my good man, is that reason?” he inquires.

“It’s Lord Jeremy! He’s already married!”

Appalled, Jeremy can only blurt out, “I am not! I am not already married!”

“Prove it!” demands the little man. “Prove you aren’t married!”

This completely stumps Lord Jeremy. He is not the first man to run afoul of trying to prove a negative. The best he can do is sputter, “Why, everybody knows I’m not married, and never have been! Everyone in Scurveyshire knows that!”

“That’s not proof, my lord! If that’s what everybody knows, then everybody is mistaken. You have deceived them!”        ******

Ms. Crepuscular breaks the chapter to bring her readers up to date on the major archaeological discovery made in her back yard.

“It now seems the funny stones are not Carthaginian ruins after all, dear readers, but only a lot of discarded modern bricks, clearly stamped with the label Allen & Bubenick Brick Yards Inc.! In fact, that company is still in business, over in the next township. And the squiggly writing is only a bunch of random scratches, not Carthaginian letters. So they have torn up my yard for nothing, and all those fools in the pith helmets have since made themselves scarce.”

“I am too disturbed,” she adds, “to finish this chapter as it should be finished.”

 

 

A Traveling Salesman Calls (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Now out on bail, Violet Crepuscular introduces Chapter CCCI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney:

“Dear readers, I am out of durance vile by virtue of my editor, who paid $900 bail just before the publisher fired him. The judge ate one of my toothpaste rolls and is not only still alive, but has also expressed doubt that I have poisoned anyone on purpose. This has enabled me to continue my novel in peace!”

In this chapter, a traveling salesman named Elston The Traveling Salesman, finding Scurveyshire added to his route, visits The Lying Tart. Mr. Elston sells paper cutlery. He used to sell ordinary steel cutlery, but found that to be unworthy of his talents as a salesman. He relishes the challenge of selling paper knives and forks. His wife and children are starving, but he is unaware of that.

Having stood a round of drinks, Mr. Elston proceeds to sell several sets of deluxe paper cutlery. The locals, meanwhile, bring him up to date on Scurveyshire’s current troubles. People are still rather miffed about all those peasants being sucked under the wading pool in the vicar’s back yard.

“But this is absurd!” remarks the salesman. “Why, it would be the easiest thing in the world for all of you to get together and simply drag the pool away!”

This strikes most of the customers as a most irresponsible saying, probably motivated by an evil quirk in Mr. Elston’s character.

“That’s exactly the sort of thing a witch would say!” exclaims a jolly toper named Ernest Phinrod. In no time at all the entire company is convinced that Mr. Elston is a witch, in league with the spirit of the medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney. An impromptu taproom court immediately sentences Mr. Elston to death.

“You must not judge them too harshly,” Ms. Crepuscular admonishes her readers. “The good people of Scurveyshire do the best they can in spite of their massive ignorance. Most traveling salesmen do get out of Scurveyshire alive. Mr. Elston was merely one of the unfortunate few.”

As Scurveyshire’s Justice of the Peace, Lord Jeremy Coldsore is not informed of the incident until after it has been concluded.

“There’s likely to be a spot of trouble over this!” he muses fretfully.

Halfway to 100,000

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What does the lizard at the control thingy have to do with this post? Admittedly nothing–I just thought it was a cool picture.

Anyhow, we’re just two or three days away from 50,000 views in 2019 so far–halfway to the goal of 100,000 views that I hope to achieve for the year.

What will I get for that? Satisfaction, I guess. But who can ever see or know what good he may be doing?

I also plan to turn Byron the Quokka loose to organize another comment contest, with the goal of 47,000 comments. Next stop, 50,000! It would be nice to end the year with 100,000 views for 2019 and 50,000 comments, all-time.

I know, I know–but who can keep from counting the sheaves? (Probably lots of people, but I’m not one of them.)

Well, that’s the state of the blog today, June 2. Now I’ve got to so see if they’re ready to let Violet Crepuscular out of jail…