G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, trying to get the blog kick-started. Well, you can always do that with TV listings, can’t you? Especially when they’re provided by Quokka University. Here are a few samples.
3 P.M. Ch. 18 JET SKI DERBY–Sports, sort of
Host Charles DeGaulle hands out rifles to contestants, and the Grand Prize to whoever can pick off the most jet-ski riders in one day. Here, “Whomp-whomp-whomp!” gives way to “Bang-bang-bang!” Color commentary by Olga Gesundheit–who once potted 15 jet-skiers in a single hour.
Ch. 41 UNINTELLIGIBLE BABBLING NEWS!–(An hour down the drain)
Did you ever wish you could just talk gibberish and get paid for it? (Well, gee, I’ve known lots of people who wish that!) Anchorwoman Rita Beeta heads a crew of babbling kooks who sound like a penguin rookery. And all the video footage is upside-down.
3:15 Ch. eleventy-one YINK STILL CAN’T COOK–Kitchen mayhem
Correspondence school chef Yink Bu Chih-Dow tackles Violet Crepuscular’s recipe for toothpaste sandwich cookies! Meanwhile, his pet giant monitor lizard, Snuffy, latches onto Yink’s leg and tries to drag him into the cellar. Special guest: This guy who used to be on Ozzie and Harriet.
4:10 P.M. Ch. 66 MOVIE–Hard-boiled detective drama
In “The Postman Can’t Remember Where I Live,” Disney wash-out Titus Groan directs what has been called by umpteen critics “the darkest movie ever, it could make you despair of life” (Danish-Pictish, 1955: 14 minutes). Andre the Giant plays the postman with a poor memory, with Alvin Dark as the distraught customer waiting for an official announcement that he has won the lottery. Narrator: Porky Pig.
All right, so some of these are not exactly classics. So who said everything has to be this Great Work of Art?
(Come to think of it, I think it might’ve been me…)
I’ll cross dangerous waters to get to my TV set! Byron the Quokka, signing off.