The other day British police arrested a man for “causing anxiety” to some silly phart on Facebook. Inspired by this nooze item, the town of Botox Corners, IL, home of Fimbo Unoversity, has created an Emergency Anxiety Squad within the local police department (see falsefacts.com).
The Anxiety Squad will provide rapid response to calls made by college students because someone made them experience “anxiety.” The term has been left undefined on purpose, according to Mayor Debi Bushwhack.
“We want to sweep with as broad a net as possible,” she explained. “Because no one, nobody, should ever, ever, ever experience anxiety! Never! In fact, just asking me to define it causes me anxiety! You’re lucky I don’t have you arrested!”
Offenders arrested on the college campus will be tried in municipal court, and, when found guilty (“They’re always guilty!” quipped Township Manager Jim Turgor), first offenders will report to Extreme Sensitivity Training and repeat offenders… to the Pit and the Pendulum. “Then they’ll be sorry,” chortled Mr. Turgor, “but it’ll be too damn late!”