The other day British police arrested a man for “causing anxiety” to some silly phart on Facebook. Inspired by this nooze item, the town of Botox Corners, IL, home of Fimbo Unoversity, has created an Emergency Anxiety Squad within the local police department (see falsefacts.com).
The Anxiety Squad will provide rapid response to calls made by college students because someone made them experience “anxiety.” The term has been left undefined on purpose, according to Mayor Debi Bushwhack.
“We want to sweep with as broad a net as possible,” she explained. “Because no one, nobody, should ever, ever, ever experience anxiety! Never! In fact, just asking me to define it causes me anxiety! You’re lucky I don’t have you arrested!”
Offenders arrested on the college campus will be tried in municipal court, and, when found guilty (“They’re always guilty!” quipped Township Manager Jim Turgor), first offenders will report to Extreme Sensitivity Training and repeat offenders… to the Pit and the Pendulum. “Then they’ll be sorry,” chortled Mr. Turgor, “but it’ll be too damn late!”
9 comments on “Quick! Call the Anxiety Squad!”
Looks as if all the professors will be arrested right around exam time, if not before. Maybe even when distributing syllabi that say the course will include (gasp) assignments and exams.
Hmm… What an idea! Why didn’t I think of that?
Right now, there is a potentially very serious situation developing regarding China and Taiwan. The House Speaker wants to visit, and even the Taiwanese have asked her not to come. But there may be a military showdown over this.
I want my jammies, some hot Cocoa and my Mr. Rogers tapes. No, I actually don’t want these things, but I guess that we all have different definitions of what constitutes anxiety. These snowflakes have some real learning ahead of them.
As a political scientist, I’m supposed to understand things like this. I don’t. And that gives me anxiety.
I hope you are right, Lee. This is a very, very bad situation. I’m not saying that the US Speaker of the House shouldn’t be able to visit Taiwan, but this situation should not have been allowed to develop.
No one had the authority to tell her no.
She’s already landed in Taiwan and obviously wasn’t shot down, but there may be some other kind of retaliation.
The Chicoms said they’d shoot her down, and didn’t. Now they’ll have to find something else to do–some other mischief.
They’d better be careful. I suspect the CCP isn’t as firmly in the driver’s seat as they’d like us to believe.