Quick! Call the Anxiety Squad!

Speeding Cartoon Police Car Stock Vector - Illustration of pursuit, follow:  136636108

The other day British police arrested a man for “causing anxiety” to some silly phart on Facebook. Inspired by this nooze item, the town of Botox Corners, IL, home of Fimbo Unoversity, has created an Emergency Anxiety Squad within the local police department (see falsefacts.com).

The Anxiety Squad will provide rapid response to calls made by college students because someone made them experience “anxiety.” The term has been left undefined on purpose, according to Mayor Debi Bushwhack.

“We want to sweep with as broad a net as possible,” she explained. “Because no one, nobody, should ever, ever, ever experience anxiety! Never! In fact, just asking me to define it causes me anxiety! You’re lucky I don’t have you arrested!”

Offenders arrested on the college campus will be tried in municipal court, and, when found guilty (“They’re always guilty!” quipped Township Manager Jim Turgor), first offenders will report to Extreme Sensitivity Training and repeat offenders… to the Pit and the Pendulum. “Then they’ll be sorry,” chortled Mr. Turgor, “but it’ll be too damn late!”

Morons Invading the Past

Not content to plague our present and jeopardize our future, Woke morons are now invading our past by demanding that anthropologists studying ancient remains stop classifying them according to “gender”–no more male or female skeletons (https://www.thecollegefix.com/gender-activists-push-to-bar-anthropologists-from-identifying-human-remains-as-male-or-female/).

This is so asinine that a lot of readers are convinced it’s just a satire. Sorry, it’s real.

Gender activists push to bar anthropologists from identifying human remains as ‘male’ or ‘female’

See, they can’t, like, ask a thousand-year-old skeleton which “gender” he/she/it “identifies as.” So better not classify it as anything. “Race” is out, too. So if you dig up a 1,500-year-old skeleton, it just might have belonged to a “non-binary individual” who “identified as” one of 50 or 60 made-up “genders” while pursuing xer career as a community pest.

We’re getting this from a group of self-proclaimed “gender activists” called “the Trans Doe Task Force.” Spokesfreak is a “master’s degree candidate“–and you thought real scholarship was dead!

They have not forgotten to put the words “male” and “female” in quotation marks to remind us all that these evil sexist cis-terms are now outmoded and gender is like completely totally fluid and you can be a boy one day and a girl the next [falls to the ground panting, with pink foam oozing out of ears].

Hey, out there! Can anybody, anybody at all, offer a reason, even a freaking silly reason, why any normal people ought to go along with this? Come on, I’m waiting to hear it!

And while you’re at it, we’d also like to hear a reason why our colleges and universities shouldn’t be de-funded rather than being paid handsomely to turn out pure crapola.

We Has ‘A’ Heet Waive!!!!

What Are The Harmful Effects Of A Heat Wave? - WorldAtlas

“It” is reel Hot heer at Collidge and it aint Fare “and” aslo it “Is” Darnold Trumpt’s fawlt!!!

Dam!! It shoodnt nevvar be so Hot at Collidge becose awl “Of” us we “are” awl Woak!!!! and “that” meens the Plannit it shood give us A Brake!!!!!! It “was” so hott yeasterday,, my Moth Antenners thay got al Drooopy we was goingto has A Riot but knobody thay showed Up “becose” it was like a zillyin deegrees out!!!!!!!

But I heered it on NPR or somb-plaice that Ritch Wite Foaks “thay” are stearing the Heet awhay fromb thare Own plaices to maik “it go” after The Poor and aslo Mynorites and wimmbin!!! Trumpt he is a milyin-air “and” he nose Haow “to” maik the Bad Wether go ware he wants!!!!!!! WHY IZZNT HE IN JALE???? it cannole Be becuouse Biggits and Racists “thay Are” cuvvring Up foar himb!!!!

It jist natcherly Cant be so Hott heer!!!!! Somb of us we hadded to Sit in “the” Fisch Pond,, we was so Hot, but we coodnt Staiy thare “becawse” somb boddy thay fowned Out that somb of the fisch “that was” saposed To Be Goaled Fisch that wer Parhanas insted! so we hadded to Get Out “of” thare befoar we got Eated!!!!!!!!!!

And the wurst Thing abote it Is, The Plannit it is maikin A Big Miss-steak!!! We “are” All Woak!!!!! so whe shoodnit get no Heet!!!

Waytll Pressadint Bydin he fineds Out!!!!!