The End of the U.S.S. Constitution

USS Constitution - Museum Review | Condé Nast Traveler

The secretary of the U.S. Navy’s Office of Racial Justice, Capt. Horace Poohbah, has announced plans to decommission and scrap “Old Ironsides,” the U.S.S. Constitution, the oldest commissioned ship in the Navy.

“Like the Constitution itself,” said Poohbah, “this here ship is just a relic of a time when slavery was practiced in America and we don’t want to remember those times, do we? This ship is good for nothing, it can’t fight modern naval vessals, it don’t even have a engine–all it does is glamorize America’s disgusting history. It’s high time it went to the scrap heap!”

Poohbah said he was not “fully in on” plans to repeal and scrap the Constitution itself, replacing it with a “more modern” design for government, courtesy of China. “Next time I play slapjack with Old Joe, I’ll ask him about it. Heck, we been tryin’ to ditch that Constitution for years! But first the ship–we can do that–and then the document.”

The Constitution’s berth in Boston harbor will be taken by the U.S.S. Drag Queen, a destroyer. “It’ll destroy a lot of things,” predicted Poohbah.


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