Author: leeduigon(patty)

This is the kind of idea that would make New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg sit up in bed in the middle of the night and cry, “Aha! Why didn’t I think of this before?” But someone else has already beaten him to it.

A condo “community” in York County, Pennsylvania, has decided to set up a DNA data base for dogs so that any out-of-place doggie droppings can be traced to the actual canine perpetrators, and their owners fined. ( http://www.outsideonline.com/news-from-the-field/Condo-DNA-Tests-Dog.html ) It seems a lot of people aren’t picking up after their pets; and I guess the old folklore tradition of “You really stepped in it!” has lost a lot of its appeal.

Never mind just passing an ordinance to make failure to pick up the poo a misdemeanor, having the police keep an extra-sharp lookout until they catch someone in the act, and then making an example of him. Oh, no–this DNA data base for dogs is real high-tech!

DNA testing is extremely expensive, and the “community” will have to make dog licenses extremely expensive to cover the costs. That might not be enough: they might have to levy new condo fees on everyone, even those who don’t own dogs.

Somehow we always seem to have money to spend on this sort of thing, even with our economy collapsing. That, and the president’s vacations.

Again, I suggest that the people running the show in America have all gone quite loopy and need to be replaced by sane people. If we can find any.

So there I am this morning, at the dentist’s, waiting and waiting–and the TV is on in the waiting room.

You wouldn’t think there was any reason to remake Let’s Make a Deal, which was certainly odious enough in the original. But they have. Adult human beings in stupid costumes, carrying on like monkeys, the whole affair an orgy of lip-smacking lust for things they didn’t need and money they didn’t work for–always with the possibility that your winnings might suddenly go up in smoke… After 20 minutes of that, whatever the dentist might do to you doesn’t seem so horrible.

One thing you learn from watching this: dignity and self-respect are always up for sale, and they usually sell cheaply.

Oh! And those people in the stupid costumes, the huge fat woman drooling over the ski and snowboard set that she won, but couldn’t use if her life depended on it–

They vote.

Some woman in Arizona, possibly with visions of lucrative lawsuits dancing through her head, tweeted that she was plunged into a spasm of vomiting–not to mention acute psychological distress–when she discovered a chicken foot in the package of chicken breasts she bought at a Safeway supermarket.

She put a picture of it on her Twitter page, and now it’s all over the Internet. Just search “woman finds chicken foot” and you’ll find it. OK, in the photo that she took, the chicken foot looks vaguely like a hand reaching out from under the chicken breasts. But 99% of the comments show no sympathy and lots of contempt for this woman who is so freaked out by an ordinary thing like a chicken foot–especially in the context of a pack of chicken.

I’ve got that beat, though. At my local neighborhood produce stand, a woman came in ranting one day because her child saw a worm in a corncob that she bought there–“and I gotta get him into counseling!”

Counseling? Because the kid saw a worm in an ear of corn? Actually, I think the mother probably needed some counseling, too–or maybe just a swift kick in the kiester.

Honestly, where do people think food comes from? It all used to be alive, you know. As bland and tasteless as they are, especially with the skin stripped off, chicken breasts come from live chickens. And your corn on the cob came from seeds that were planted in the ground and grew into living things.

Makes you wonder about the future of this country, doesn’t it?

When we’re not being governed by perverts and criminals, we’re being governed by idiots and clowns.

A New Jersey Congressman who wants to be our next U.S. Senator has pepped up his campaign with the prediction that, unless Americans are forced to pay a “carbon tax,” magically stopping imaginary Global Warming by the mere expenditure of money, “millions will die.”

This is Congressman Rush Holt, who, for his efforts, is hereby awarded a Greegie for Egregious Stupidity in Public Office. This twit, this Democrat, says Global Warming–which is gonna kill millions of us unless we give him big chunks of our money–is caused by “the assault that corporate interests are waging on our planet.”

Damn that evil private sector! But not to worry–it’s Big Government to the rescue.

Hey, stupid–have you ever checked out the air quality around the cities of Red China? Here we have a government that won’t let you be reincarnated without their permission. Government doesn’t get any bigger than this.

How is just coughing up more taxes supposed to save our lives? He can’t be suggesting that government would ever do anything with more money but waste it, set up big government agencies staffed by overpaid federal employees with extravagant pensions, keep big globs of it for themselves, and hand out freebies to their voter base–can he? If we do all that, we’ll save our lives? This guy is an even bigger schmendrick than Anthony “Carlos Danger” Wiener.

Look at the leaders our nation pukes up. Has any people ever, in all of history, been governed by such a worthless pack of wackos, morons, thieves, liars, sex maniacs, and con men as we are? You’d think it’d make us ashamed!

My aunt, the last living member of her generation in my family, recently had to go to the hospital. During the course of a routine, scheduled procedure–not an emergency!–they managed to knock out her two front teeth. The doctor’s reaction was, “Oh, well, at her age she didn’t really need them, did she?”

We’re trying to get this put right. Just because you’re 85 years old, and had a stroke which made you bed-bound and unable to chew or swallow food, doesn’t mean they get to knock your teeth out and not have to make it up to you.

I had to go see my aunt’s long-time dentist today, to show him my official power of attorney and to demand her dental records. His name is Dr. Oliver, and this is what he said:

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this case. You see, I’ve known your aunt (and her sisters) for so long, and I know the hospital is going to give you a hard time over this. So I want to do the work, fix your aunt’s teeth–and I’ll send my bill to the hospital. Believe me, I am familiar with her situation, and I think this is what has to be done. I can’t just let her stay like that.”

You could’ve knocked me over with a feather. I rarely encounter that kind of magnanimity in real life. It brought tears to my eyes. (I seem to be turning into the most awful kind of softy–not good for my alpha male image, but I can’t help it.) Those of you who are given to prayer, ask for a blessing on Dr. Oliver.

I wonder if there’s any way I can get this morning bronzed and mounted.