‘Memory Lane: “Free Inside–Money!”‘ (2021)

Bolivian Currency High Resolution Stock Photography and Images - Alamy

Most of it was foreign money.

I wonder if the Democrats are going to offer “free money” to those who vote for SloJo Biden. You know… like “forgiving” student loans.

But as a cereal manufacturer discovered, sometime back in the ’70s, sometimes it backfires on you, appealing to the worst aspects of fallen human nature.

Memory Lane: ‘Free Inside–Money!’

The cereal, Almond Delight, was nice enough. But in our local supermarket, every single box on the shelves had already been cut open and rifled for Free Money.

Not nice. You’d think a minute or two of forethought would have easily avoided this.

Memory Lane: ‘Free Inside–Money!’

Bolivian Currency High Resolution Stock Photography and Images - Alamy

I’d always loved the prizes you got “Free Inside!” cereal boxes. Imagine my delight, sometime back in the 70s, when a certain cereal offered foreign currency. Inside the box with the cereal.

The first time we bought it, we got a nice Bolivian 50-Whatsit bill. When we went to buy it again, we found all those cereal boxes on the shelves already slit open and rifled for the “money”–it wouldn’t buy anything, here in the US–and then put back on the shelves… like no one would notice.

No, I don’t remember what particular kind of cereal it was. Not one that I usually bought. I’ll bet I wake up at 2 a.m. and suddenly remember it. Heck, it was a long time ago. It wasn’t a bad cereal. But our supermarket couldn’t keep carrying it if the shelf-stackers were going to cut the boxes open, so it soon disappeared.

Who got stuck holding the bag? Probably the supermarket; the manufacturer could argue he wasn’t responsible for the store’s dishonest employees.

So you cut open the cereal box and walk away with 40 Bazongas from Upper Kafoozistan. Why steal that? You can’t spend it anywhere. Did they think the manufacturer might slip up and start putting US $20 bills in there? Did they think, “If we open all the boxes, we just might find a dollar”?

Patty remembers! It was Almond Delight. And what made it worse was that in a few boxes, there really would be real American money. Maybe even a $50 bill! Do you need a crystal ball to guess what would happen? I’d forgotten that part, but that’s one of the perks of marriage: you get two memories for the price of one.

It’s hard luck on the manufacturer, who had to pull this promotion in a hurry, and the supermarket ownership, stuck with cereal it can’t sell–but there are times when a few more moments’ forethought and ordinary prudence will hold you back from costly mistakes. Duh! Really–what did they think would happen, if they advertised “Free Money”–any money–inside the cereal box?

They shoulda seen it coming.

A Good Idea Gone Bad

Image result for images of almond delight free cash in every box

As long as we’re on the subject of cereal box prizes, let’s go just a little ways down Memory Lane, back into the 1980s.

How do you get people to try a new cereal? Well, the advertisers of Almond Delight came up with a swell idea: offer “Free Cash in Every Box.” Consumers had a chance to find either real legal tender–$1, $5, $50, or $500–inside the box, or else a bit of foreign  currency. Now if that wasn’t going to make the product fly off the shelves, what would?

They didn’t calculate for Original Sin.

Imagine our disappointment when we brought home a box of Almond Delight and found that someone had already slit it open with a box-cutter and removed whatever money was inside. We were even more disappointed when we went back to the store and found every Almond Delight box on the shelf similarly treated. Every last one of ’em had already been slit open. I need hardly add that we didn’t buy it again.

Maybe  “Free Cash in Every Box” wasn’t such a good idea, after all.

The thing to remember, though, is that this was the brainchild of highly-paid professionals who supposedly knew what they were doing.

Or, as Isaiah once put it, “Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?” (Isaiah 2:22)