Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 14

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1967

G’day, g’day! Byron the Quokka here–and have we got weekend TV for you! The clever blokes at Quokka U. have unearthed some real winners! Without further ado, here are a few samples.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 02   AMERICA’S MOST IRRITATING PERSONS–Reality

Who’s it gonna be this week? The man who insists on communicating by meowing like a cat? The woman who emulates Rosie O’Donnell? Or the old hippie from the 60s who begins every sentence with the words, “Dylan once said”? Host: Vlad Putin.

Ch. 05  HOGAN’S HYPOS–Comedy/Drama

What can the Luftwaffe do with a POW camp full of hypochondriacs? Sneezy: Jamie Farr. Itchy: Bob Cummings. Queasy: Don Rickles. Sgt. Gesundheit: Roscoe Lee Brown. This week, they’ve all got motion sickness! Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 16   SAWNEY BEAN & FAMILY–Existential Sitcom

Can Scotland’s most notorious cannibal clan turn over a new leaf? Don’t bet on it! Sawney: Buddy Ebsen. Granny: Irene Ryan. Blotto: Max Baer Jr. Lilly Mae: Donna Douglas. This week: the Thane of Cawdor (Fernando Lamas) proposes to Lilly Mae–and winds up in the soup!

8 P.M.  Ch. 47  DICK CAVITY–Celebrity Dentist

Dick discusses memorable root canals, extractions, and fillings with special exciting celebrity guest Ruth Pinchley, the most famous woman in Uzbekistan. Featuring Frank Backside and his orchestra.

8:12 P.M.  Ch. 22  GHOST HUNTER!–Unexplained Mystery

Paranormal investigator/fly-by-night realtor Oswin Pitfall hunts down the ghosts of people who haven’t died yet and tries to sell them time shares. Host: A failed Turkish politician who got burned and is still bitter about it.

Well, folks, there you have it! Just reading about these shows makes me want to hop around in circles until they come on!

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Some TV Shows That Didn’t Make It

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If you think the programs they show on TV are bad, you should see the ones they don’t show. Here are three examples, compiled by Byron the Quokka.

Ringworm! Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dame Judith Anderson as a pair of Ponca City cops who track down people with skin afflictions. Reviewers complained it only made them feel itchy.

Is Anybody There? was a sitcom about invisible people whose voices can’t be heard. Mostly it was footage of empty rooms, which reviewers described as “intolerably boring.” Signing up and paying actors who are never seen or heard turned out to be an unwise use of studio funds. Executive Producer Tommy Plotz was put to death.

Jimmy Fraud Investigates. A local cable TV reporter, reputedly the most credulous reporter in the world, investigates “the unexplained” in his home town–e.g., sightings of a woolly mammoth in the Stop & Shop parking lot. Most of the “cases” turned out to be clumsy hoaxes perpetrated by not very bright teenagers. The others were of no interest to anyone.

On second thought, are these really so much worse than what we’ve got? You decide!