Quokka University News

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Hello up there! Byron the Quokka here on behalf of Quokka University, where we’ve got a new motto: “You wanna be a platypus for the rest of your life?”

I am here to bring you the news that we won’t be bringing you any news today. I mean, who needs nooze on Sunday? And even if we were going to report any nooze, the only event worth mentioning is our Pickup Stix team’s victory over some American politicians who couldn’t understand the rules and kept trying to cheat while everyone was watching. Supposedly they get away with that at home.

This above photo, by the way, was taken by Fang Hsueh Ting, a character in Lee’s college Chinese primer. He doesn’t know we know about such things. Just because you’re in a textbook doesn’t mean you don’t exist!


Collect False Facts and Support the Quokka U. Pickup Sticks Team!

Why Quokkas Are The Cutest Animals On Earth

G’day! Byron the Quokka here; and while Lee sweats out a Newswithviews column, I’ll tell you about an exciting way that you can support the Quokka University pickup sticks team!

As you know, the annual Pickup Sticks International Tournament will be held this year in Double Trouble, New Jersey–and our team is raring to go. Acme False Facts will donate our team’s traveling expenses. All you have to do is order (and pay for!) their newest set of collectible False Facts!

Here’s a sample. Remember, it’s not what you say that makes people think you’re smart, but how you say it! And all False Facts are guaranteed truth-free.

*George Washington was Chinese, but James Madison wasn’t.

*The woolly rhinoceros of the Ice Age was neither woolly nor a rhinoceros, but actually a kind of oversized muskrat.

*In May of 1953 the U.S. Supreme Court accidentally ruled swimming unconstitutional. The error was not discovered until 2006.

*A top-secret anti-gravity project in Pinwheel, Ireland, had to be canceled when the whole laboratory and all its staff floated into outer space, never to be seen again. This caused the prime minister of Ireland to break out in hives.

*The height of a tree is always evenly divisible by the number of branches it has. Count ’em and see for yourself!

Well, I hope this whets your appetite! This new set of False Facts, which will help our pickup sticks team to a world championship, sells for a mere $435.99–which is chicken-feed in quokka money.