Tag: Acme False Facts

Collect False Facts and Support the Quokka U. Pickup Sticks Team!

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Why Quokkas Are The Cutest Animals On Earth

G’day! Byron the Quokka here; and while Lee sweats out a Newswithviews column, I’ll tell you about an exciting way that you can support the Quokka University pickup sticks team!

As you know, the annual Pickup Sticks International Tournament will be held this year in Double Trouble, New Jersey–and our team is raring to go. Acme False Facts will donate our team’s traveling expenses. All you have to do is order (and pay for!) their newest set of collectible False Facts!

Here’s a sample. Remember, it’s not what you say that makes people think you’re smart, but how you say it! And all False Facts are guaranteed truth-free.

*George Washington was Chinese, but James Madison wasn’t.

*The woolly rhinoceros of the Ice Age was neither woolly nor a rhinoceros, but actually a kind of oversized muskrat.

*In May of 1953 the U.S. Supreme Court accidentally ruled swimming unconstitutional. The error was not discovered until 2006.

*A top-secret anti-gravity project in Pinwheel, Ireland, had to be canceled when the whole laboratory and all its staff floated into outer space, never to be seen again. This caused the prime minister of Ireland to break out in hives.

*The height of a tree is always evenly divisible by the number of branches it has. Count ’em and see for yourself!

Well, I hope this whets your appetite! This new set of False Facts, which will help our pickup sticks team to a world championship, sells for a mere $435.99–which is chicken-feed in quokka money.

Quokka U’s False Facts 2.0

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50 Quokka Facts: Smiling, Baby-Flinging, Selfie Kings! | Everywhere Wild

G’day! Byron the Quokka here.

It takes an awful lot of money to start a university, and Quokka U. isn’t quite there yet. So Acme False Facts Inc. is going to help out with another special fund-raising edition of False Facts, 2% of the proceeds going to the university. I guess they keep the rest.

Why False Facts? Why, to convince your friends that you know a lot of stuff that nobody else knows, because you’re so bloomin’ smart! All you have to remember is to speak with total confidence when reciting any False Fact. Presentation is everything!

Here are just a few samples from Quokka U. False Facts 2.0. Ask anyone in the academic world, they’ll tell you–this is how you gain respect! And here are our samples.

*Ancient Roman engineers designed the first personal computer, but had no electricity to operate it.

*President Grover Cleveland’s mother kept him in diapers until he was 16.

*The Chinese word for “X-Ray glasses” has been unpronounceable since 1808.

*Project Mohole, the plan to drill all the way through the earth’s crust, was defunded in 1966 because Congress forgot to levy any taxes for that year and the government ran out of money. But the real problem was bashful scientists who were afraid they might find something naughty down there.

*The Paper Bag Tree of inner Borneo has been found growing in Nebraska, where it has provoked a wave of paranormal experiences that people don’t like to talk about. The good news is that the folks in Borneo want it back.

There you go! Try these on for size at any place where talking is allowed. The results will amaze you.

P.S.–They haven’t told us what the set will cost, so when you order it, be sure you write a check for lots of money.

False Facts Raise Funds for Quokka U.

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Fun facts about the Quokka, the happiest animal on earth

G’day and Happy New Year, everybody! Byron the Quokka here–as deputy provost in charge of something-or-other here at Quokka University. And I’m here to thank Acme False Facts Inc. for providing another fund-raiser for our university, a special False Facts card set, with half the proceeds going to Quokka U.

Here are a few samples from this special set of False Facts.

*The country of Spain disappeared for three days in July, 1888–and no one noticed.

*The Roman Emperor Hadrian had a pet squid named Dion who would do a soft-shoe routine on command. Said a visiting Pictish chieftain, “Who knew it could even be done on ten legs?”

*If consumed in sufficient quantities, Nabisco Shredded Wheat forces you to relive other people’s past lives. It does take an awful lot of Shredded Wheat, though.

*Highway No. 404 in Tajikistan takes motorists deep underwater in the Indian Ocean. No one has ever come back.

*In 1867 a baker named Postlethwaite, hired to create a special birthday cake for Napoleon III, missed so many deadlines that he brought on the Franco-Prussian War in 1870.

Remember–False Facts are even better than real facts, because no one can find anything to disprove them. But you have to speak them with conviction! Only then do you get a reputation for knowing things that no one else knows.

We are also selling season tickets for our pick-up sticks team. All we need now is a season.

More False Facts! (Quokka U. Fund-Raiser)

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Quokka in bushes, close-up Stock Photo - Alamy

(I have to get back outside and write some more of my book–but first here’s Byron the Quokka with a special announcement.)

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–that’s me inspecting the groundwork for what will one day be Quokka University’s auxiliary lecture hall. But we’ll need more money to finish the job, and that’s where this special edition of Acme False Facts comes in. For a mere $250 (you see they’ve lowered the price), you can get a set of False Facts Flash Cards which will enable you to dazzle your friends with your esoteric knowledge.

To whet your appetite, here are just a few samples.

*Cave men with guns killed off the dinosaurs. You could look it up.

*The first Club Med was established in Harbin, Manchuria, in 1952. It’s still the most popular Club Med in Manchuria.

*A 1969 poll by the Sons of Bacchus softball team revealed that hardly anyone likes cauliflower stewed in maple syrup.

*The first cell phone was invented in ancient Egypt in 1298 B.C. but was suppressed by Pharaoh Ramses II when he got one too many calls from Hittites selling time shares in a Syrian cave that turned out to be haunted.

*The Common English Pencil Bug can actually be used as a pencil. It even has an eraser!

So there you have it. Shoulders back, chest out, and head held high–deliver these guaranteed false facts with all the conviction you can muster, and enjoy your new career as a sage.

Brighten Your Day with False Facts 7.0!

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Image result for images of silly quokkas

Greetings, earthlings! Byron here, your official spokesquokka for Acme False Facts, introducing the newest collectible set, False Facts 7.0.

The nooze has been just so bleak and dreary lately that Acme stepped up its production schedule–we need False Facts! How else are you going to impress people? Even a poor benighted platypus can stand tall, delivering genuine False Facts that nobody else in the room ever heard of! Here are just a few samples.

George Washington’s real name was Harvey, but he had it changed to confuse King George III of England. It worked. In fact, it drove the king mad, trying to work out who was who.

The ancient Minoan civilization on Crete went out of business because no one could speak their language–not even themselves.

Since the invention of The Forbidden Emoji, at least 96 persons who used it in their social media posts have gone missing. We’d have to be crazy, to show a picture of it.

Kumquat College now offers a degree program in Paranormal Etiquette.

Nikola Tesla invented a yo-yo that didn’t work.

It’s perfectly safe to have a pet wolverine in your house. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

By the year 2052, according to a peer-reviewed study by Acme Scientific Studies Inc., half the people in the Holy Roman Empire will look like Greta Thunberg. The other half will have fled the country.

There you have it, folks! Seven zingers. Want people to think you’re smart for knowing things that they don’t know? Acme False Facts to the rescue! Remember–it’s not what you say, but how authoritatively you say it!

Byron Presents: Acme False Facts, Super Bowl Edition

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Image result for images of quokkas

Now he’s got me doing False Facts again, even though I have a comment contest to run: we’re up to 55,403, by the way–just 597 to go.

Byron the Quokka here, and g’day, everybody! If you’re going to a Super Bowl party tomorrow, make sure you bring your latest edition of Acme False Facts so you can wow ’em all with your esoteric knowledge. Stand up straight, shoulders back, look ’em in the eye, and let ‘er rip! Here are a few examples:

Football was originally played with a large stone instead of a ball, but that only lasted till they ran out of kickers.

Willie “Buster” Diddlemeyer was the first to play Solitaire Football. It never caught on.

Until 1972 it was against the rules to run sideways with the football.

From 1963 to 1977, the Cleveland Parasites didn’t win a single game. They went through 98 head coaches before switching over to Monopoly.

Baltimore Sloshers quarterback Jim “Corny” Jokeson once played an entire game blindfolded… and then played no more.

The whole set’s still available, with emergency instantaneous shipping available to the credulous for a mere $499.99. Don’t get caught without it!

 

False Facts, Series VI

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See the source image

Happy New Year, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with Series VI of Acme False Facts. Aunt Feezy gave me a set for Christmas–I’m afraid she thought the facts were real: us quokkas are trusting souls–and I can hardly wait to impress all the other quokkas with my new-found bogus knowledge!

Without further ado, here are my favorite False Facts, so far.

*Benjamin Franklin invented the cell phone in 1771, but lost interest in it when there was no one to call.

*In 1951 President Mickey Vernon attempted to appoint his horse, Shorty, to the United States Supreme Court. This led to the discovery that he wasn’t really the president, but the Senate confirmed the appointment anyway.

*Kansas City was originally in Japan, but relocated in 1869.

*Ancient astronauts discovered Play-Doh on Mars and brought it to earth in 502 B.C.

*A centipede named Nobody’s Fool won the Kentucky Derby in 1963, but his victory was disallowed because he used too many legs.

I could do this all day, but I won’t–I’ve got a Christmas carol contest to administer.

Remember! Stand up straight, shoulders back, look ’em in the eye, and speak with unshakeable confidence! And you’ll have a future in politics.