Tag: stick insects

Queen Victoria Steps In (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

Her Majesty’s government have written off the Royal Millipede Inspector as an unfortunate loss; but Queen Victoria herself is very much annoyed with the folks of Scurveyshire for stirring up the Picts. Read all about it in Chapter DCCXXX of her classic historical romance, Oy, Rodney.

“Blimey!” exclaims the Queen. “I’ll ‘ave that ‘ole Coldsore fambly hung out to dry, y’all jist see iffn I don’t!”

“There is some argument over whether Queen Victoria actually talked like that,” admits Ms. Crepuscular. “One critic complained that I have made the queen sound like an out-of-work laundress. Well, I know of one author who says she really was an out-or-work laundress! Put that in your cup of tea and smoke it.”

Meanwhile, the Picts have settled down in Portugal and become indistinguishable from the native Portuguese. Scurveyshire, however, remains overrun by large stick insects (that’s another thing that’s cheesed off Queen Victoria).

“Be sure to tune in next week to see what, if anything, they can do about it,” Ms. Crepuscular browbeats her readers. “Constable Chumley has a secret plan which he describes as ‘shabakin’ yon mistry’–which I’d say sums it up perfectly! Like toothpaste on your cold cuts!”

 

I’m Going to Be in a Movie!

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Equalizer 2' Set Shooting: Two Men Charged for Non-Fatal Incident - Variety

Well–! Denzel Washington is going to play me in a movie!

Dig this plot. An aging fantasy writer–that would be me–comes out of semi-retirement (writers never really retire, we can’t afford it) to take on El Borracho, the most ruthless, fiendish, unpleasant drug lord in all of… I think it’s Kazakhstan, but bear with me, I’ve only read the screenplay once… to avenge the murder of his second cousin’s nephew’s brother-in-law. Brushing up on his jumpin’, spinnin’ kicks, he also invents a whole new martial art, involving boxes of Kleenex tissues, that no one has ever seen before. That’s what gives him the edge!

Written by Violet Crepuscular, the working title is Murder My Second Cousin’s Nephew’s Brother-in-Law, Will You? It has a certain ring do it!

Filmed entirely in my front yard so I can sit there and be a technical adviser, we’re still rounding up a supporting cast. A US president known only as “The Big Guy,” in cahoots with El Borracho, will be played by a large stick insect that has worn out its welcome at the San Diego Zoo. We’re looking for big-name actors to play assorted bad guys, and former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair is on board to play the Russian honcho, Biff Putin. We’ll also feature some really great cat videos.

It’s going to be directed by a guy who did some kind of work on a Godfather movie that never made it to the theaters, but it wasn’t his fault and besides which, he works cheap.

That’s all I can tell you for now. The rest is shrouded in secrecy!

Quokka U.: We Need Some Buildings

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50 Quokka Facts: Smiling, Baby-Flinging, Selfie Kings ...

G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with a progress report on Quokka University. We know you’ve been wondering about it!

So far we’ve got a Latin motto–Ipso loquitur mannimota!–and a bunch of deans, a pick-up sticks team, a big cardboard box for a cafeteria, and we’re still working on a mascot and an official college song. But let’s face it–any college, anywhere, has just got to have some buildings!

Afar hut made of sticks of wood in the south desert of Djibouti ...

Behold! Our first official college building! Crikey Hall! Loosely based on a classic design by that famous architect, Frank Lloyd Fuzzybutt, Crikey Hall will be ideal for lectures, graduation ceremonies, and concerts. We’ve already sent out invitations to a lot of celebrities to be guest lecturers–you won’t have heard of most of them unless you’re a marsupial, but we did ask Tarzan and I really hope he comes here so I can get his autograph.

We still need classrooms, offices for the professors, and dorms for those students who don’t like to sleep outside in the tall grass. We don’t worry much about professors because we aren’t going to offer any courses. As for a mascot, we’re still stuck between a really big stick insect named Otho (who’ll do it for free) and Jimbo the Quokka in his Halloween costume, a cactus. It’s so hard to decide!

Meanwhile, it’s back to work on the comment contest. We’re shooting for 60,000, we have about a thousand left to go, and the winner gets an autographed copy of Lee’s new book, His Mercy Endureth Forever–unless I can get him to spring for a bicycle.