‘Using Magic to Get Anything You Want’ (2015)

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I’m starting to lose track of the difference between magic and science. Both rely on esoteric knowledge and promise all sorts of goodies.

Still, you’d think that with the costliest and most intrusive education system ever devised by man, we could do a little better than widespread belief in “guardian angel wishing dust.”

Using Magic to Get Anything You Want

Hmm… What was that original temptation again? Something about being as gods, that was it: do this and you’ll be like God.

And if the wishing dust doesn’t work, there’s always Artificial Intelligence.

This Helmet Will Give You 3 Wishes!

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I saw this guy walking around in Keyport today. He leaned over the bulkhead and fell into the bay, but I was able to retrieve his helmet. As he climbed out of the water, shaking himself vigorously, he offered me $20 to give him back the helmet. I was going to give it back anyway. When I held it out to him, he snatched it away.

Only then did I remember where I’d seen that helmet before! It was in a Kolchak: The Night Stalker episode. If you wore it, it gave you three wishes–and then turned you into a monster.

“I’ve still got one wish left!” he snarled at me. “But as long as I’ve got the helmet and haven’t made the third wish, I won’t get turned into a monster.”

“What were your first two wishes?” I couldn’t help asking.

“First I wished to be handsome,” he said, “and then I wished to be smart. That’s two wishes!”

“Any idea when they’ll be granted?”

Well, that riled him. “What a rotten thing to say!” he cried. “I wish you’d just leave me alone!”

Uh-oh.

I suddenly found myself at home, leaving this man alone. Obviously his final wish was granted.

Poor devil!