G’day, humans et al! Byron the Quokka here, with fantastic weekend TV to take your minds off stupid and embarrassing news. I am running this feature solo today, Lee’s off in the Twilight Zone somewhere–well, what the heck, we’re off to the races!
6:45 P.M. Ch. 42 EYEWITLESS NEWS–News, commentary, and lewd noises
“It’s all wrong anyway, so it might as well be entertaining!” says anchorman Etoin Shrdlu, allegedly from another galaxy. The program’s motto says it all: “Honest Fake News.” Tonight: a completely fraudulent investigation of “U.S. Senate girlie parties” held after midnight at Fong’s Diner.
7 P.M. Ch. 21 STUPID CITY–Crime Drama
You’d think things’d be pretty dull in a mid-sized city where the median IQ is somewhere below that of a sock puppet, but you’d be wrong: stupid cops trying to catch stupid criminals means drama! Chief O’Fudge: Bernie Sanders. Mr. Big: Yoko Ono. Crooked Paper Boy: Gumby. Music by Mrs. Kinkle’s 2nd-grade class.
Ch. 46 THE PRICE IS CRAZY!–Game show
How much would you pay to get hoisted out of a pool full of piranhas? That’s what host Casey Stengel will ask contestants floundering in the pool: best offer gets pulled out first! And no going back on it, either, or you get thrown back in. [Program Note: The June Taylor Dancers will not appear at poolside anymore–not since Sondra fell in. The management apologizes for any inconvenience.]
7:12 P.M. Ch. 31 MOVIE–(You’re asking me to describe it?)
Davy McTavish’s six-hour epic, “Daughter of the Volcano” (Scottish-Japanese, 1981), Disco Queen Irma Burma (Sharon Sharalike) falls into the mouth of a volcano and it’s up to Charlie’s Ninjas (original cast of The Beverly Hillbillies) to pull her out. Keep an eye out for the famous cameo appearance of Sandy MacQuhouon.
7:30 P.M. Ch. 07 THE FATTERSONS–Sitcom
Jay and Kay Fatterson (William Shatner, Heather Locklear), their precocious 10-year-old son, Poxie (Michael Harrington, who used to have a column), and their pet lion, Jambo, love to get involved in their neighbors’ private business! But when Jambo eats Nancy’s hideous boyfriend (credits not available), the Neighborhood Improvement Committee hires a hit man (Joel Chandler Harris).
Well, mates, there you have it–just a small sample of weekend bliss provided by Quokka University.
(This was my graduation picture. Do you like it?)