Category: Just for Fun

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 10

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The Essential TV Guide Fall Previews of the 80s, Part 2 ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s TV listings from Quokka University, Down Under. These amazing TV shows have been rescued from Obscurity! (You should see the ones we didn’t rescue.) Here’s a brief sample.

7:00 P.M.   Ch. 14   JUNE TAYLOR DANCERS; THE JURY–Live courtroom drama

Forget the jury box! These high-kickin’ ladies need more space than that! This is TV’s one and only musical courtroom show. Bailiff: Kukla (from Kukla, Fran, and Ollie). Judge: a man with exceptionally large buttocks.

Ch. 23   I MARRIED A TOAD–Sitcom

Dando Smurphy stars as Jim-Bob Kanoo, the man who married a toad (voice of Linda Cthulhu). This week: “We’re gonna have a baby!” Dr. Gesundheit (Gary Merrill) doesn’t think so; but the guy at the Reptile House (the Porcque Brothers) makes ready for the big event. Song: “I Married a Toad,” by Huntz Hall.

7:04   Ch. 09   I’VE GOT A SHAMEFUL SECRET–Game show

Which celebrity guest has the most shameful secret–the one that will destroy his or her career? Produced by the Third Eye Detective Agency. This week’s celebrity panel: Chuck Connors, Sally Field, Chiang Kai-shek, Debbie Reynolds. One of them is guilty!

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 45  THEY STOLE THE FREAKIN’ SPHINX–True crime

You’d think it’d be impossible to steal the Great Sphinx, but this gang of Jamaican art thieves gave it a go. If you overlook the fact that they were all arrested within minutes of putting their plan into operation… you can overlook anything. Narrator: Sayeed Jaffrey. Sphinx replica by Mrs. Dooly’s 2nd-grade class.

Well, folks, there you have it. These are the kind of TV shows that make you feel like you’re living longer than you really are.

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Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Your Pet Capybara

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The capybara, the world’s largest living rodent: if you’ve been longing for a pet capybara, but never bought one because you were afraid your dog would be offended, fear no more. They’ll get along like a house on fire!

If Robinson Crusoe Had Been a Pig…

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These were feral pigs adapting to life in an obscure corner of the Bahamas. They did it so well, they became a kind of tourist mecca. Not bad for a crew of castaways.

Furry Innocence

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The German shepherd puppy wants to play, the white kitten needs persuading but eventually comes round, and a benign adult dog’s on hand to keep things from getting gnarly. I found this video oddly comforting. Well, maybe not “oddly.”

Baby Chipmunks

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Adorable little characters, these baby chipmunks–playful, too. I’m happy to say we now have chipmunks living on our grounds, dashing into the underbrush almost fast enough to make you doubt you saw them. I hope we can make friends with them.

Getting Cozy with Your Goldfish

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A friend of mine in junior high school moved, and his folks made him give away his goldfish. So they became my goldfish.

I used to feed them by hand, and they got very tame. They’d let me pick them up and put them in the sink when I had to clean their tank.

I miss their company, now that I’m old enough to appreciate it.

The Ducklings’ Nanny

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Is there a mother duck around? Somehow this cat got to be the nanny to seven ducklings who follow her everywhere and then cuddle up with her for a nap.

Domestication does some funny things to animals.

The Mysterious Mr. Pudding (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

Mild-mannered Mr. Pudding, and his newts–he’s so mysterious, not even Violet Crepuscular can tell you what he’s doing here. And she’s the author. It’s her fault.

“All we know,” she feldspars to her readers, “is that it’s Mr. Pudding’s newts, trained killers as they are, vs. the June Taylor Dancers! And the very existence of Scurveyshire is at steak!” (Yes, I know I spelled it wrong.)

Lady Margo Cargo is the first to notice the skeletons in the alley between the village pet shop and the Pike-O-Pay Tooth Care Emporium. She loses no time in reporting it to Constable Chumley, whose reaction is predictable: “Yan spivey fole o’ grist’um good,” he recites.

Busy, busy, busy! A few minutes later it’s Johnno the merry minstrel reporting that he has seen a few of the June Taylor Dancers sneaking around in Scurveyshire’s Forest of No Deposit, No Return. “What are you going to do about it, Constable?” he snaps.

“Fivvy for fordy or fyte,” Chumley concedes.

As for Mr. Pudding himself, Ms. Crepuscular knows hardly anything at all. “Any reader who might have any information on that subject, please contact your local police department and ask them to contact me so I can contact you.”

Lovebird Loves Cat (and Vice-Versa)

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Domestication is wonderful! And when I watch a video like this, I can’t help thinking God is trying to tell us something that would be good for us to hear.

No, the lovebird doesn’t have a death wish. This cat wouldn’t dream of turning on her.

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 3

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV - October 28th through November 3rd, 1978

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s fabulous TV, brought to you by Quokka University. Are you ready to be entertained? Enlightened? Enriched? Well, here we go!

6:05 a.m.   Ch. 27  JIMBY & ZOOZIE–Sitcom (if you want to call it that)

What would life be like if your imaginary friend thought you were his imaginary friend? Confusing, isn’t it? Jimby: Buddy Ebsen. Zoozie: Linda Hunt. Third Party who thinks they’re all imaginary: Steve Reeves. This week: Zoozie finds Jimby’s lost shoelaces… Are they real?

6:30 p.m.   Ch. 14  I.Q., MY Q.!–Incomprehensible game show

Join host Mogo the Monkey as he shows off his new prehensile tail! It’s even more fun when he tries to get any one of the contestants to define “prehensile,” let alone spell it. This week’s guest panel: Debating team from Porkbarrel High School, Seatopia, NJ.

Ch. 19   WIDE WORLD OF STUPID–Olympics that’s always on

Teams from Paraguay and Moldova are still locked in a draw, arguing whether a person who identifies as a French poodle really is a French poodle and therefor eligible to compete in dog shows. Also, heavyweight boxing medalist Yugi Banugi goes up against a six-year-old girl. Commentary: This guy who refuses to give his name.

7 p.m.   Ch. 04   MOVIE–(A few locusts short of a swarm)

Dustin Hoffman stars as Hulk Hogan in Dog My Cats, I’ll Wrestle If I Want To! (Canadian-Klingon, 1976: 881 minutes), an independent film about the tao of professional wrestling. Gorilla Monsoon: Alan Ladd. The Fabulous Moolah: Joey Heatherton. Andre the Giant: Mickey Rooney. Plus lots of people you never heard of.

Well, my friends, how about that for a weekend’s wallow in high culture?

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Byron the Quokka, signing off!