Dan Rather – Lee Duigon

An Earth-Shaking Discovery

leeduigon(patty)June 19, 2022

The long-lost, quasi-legendary Condescending White Liberals Graveyard has at last been found!

Renowned explorer and paranormal investigator Chick Shamble announced the mind-blowing discovery, but refused to divulge its location. “They’ll all be dug up and put back to work in 15 minutes if word of this gets out,” he said. “Now I wish I’d never found it! The place gives me the creeps. All those ghosts babbling about diversity and social justice! Ugh! And they never shut up.”

Shamble said he got the clues he needed just by watching TV news shows. “Whenever they’re short-handed,” he said, “they go out to the Condescending White Liberals Graveyard and dig one up. Slap on some makeup and they’re ready to rock ‘n’ roll. It’s like they’ve never been away.”

You’d be surprised, he added, “in fact, you’d be amazed, to find how how many of those reporters and commentators you see on TV are actually dead. Dan Rather died four years before they took him off the air.”

But they’re not all in the news media.

“How do you think they staff the teachers’ colleges?” Shamble said.

Gnus for News?

leeduigon(patty)June 13, 2021

See, this is what happens when nobody reads!

It was supposed to be News at 4, the latest project of the Crummy News Network. Celebrity anchor Dan Rather was all set to return to prime-time news.

But because the instructions were delivered verbally, over the phone, instead of in writing–standard studio policy, because so many employees can’t read–News at 4 was transformed (fundamentally!) into Gnus at 4.

The fact that it has turned into the No. 1 rated gnus show came nowhere near to mollifying Rather, who exploded into one of history’s great tantrums and finally walked off the set after he regained control of his bodily functions.

“Well, sure, Dan was upset,” said CNN Managing Director Biff Trotsky. “I mean, who wants to narrate a half-hour of gnus just hangin’ out, eatin’ grass? But I’m here to tell Dan, ‘That’s the last offer you’re gonna get, sunshine.'”

A recent viewer poll had 77% percent saying that “gnus just hanging out” was a big improvement over regular news.

The Best Reporters

leeduigon(patty)January 28, 2020

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Allow me to indulge in a little nostalgia.

I was a newspaper editor, once upon a time. I was proud of it. But that was decades ago. Not much left to be proud of in journalism anymore.

Who were the best reporters, then?

Speaking as an editor covering local news–and believe me, it’s a lot more than tricky trays and flower shows–I’d have to say the very best reporter would be an ordinary-looking, inconspicuous woman, sixtyish, kids grown up and on their own, of more than ordinary intelligence but quiet rather than flashy. Every newspaper needs at least one reporter like that, or it might as well save itself the trouble and just go out of business. These women, the infantry of local journalism–no secret can be kept from them. They find out everything, sooner or later.

In second place I’d go for bright teenagers who follow directions but retain their enthusiasm for sniffing out the news. I wouldn’t trade one of them for half a dozen of those twaddlers on CNN. You’d be amazed what high-school kids can find out, if you turn ’em loose on a story.

Newspapers are on the brink of extinction, and it’s their own fault. Everybody wants to be Dan Rather, and that’s how you end up like Dan Rather–one scam too many, and you’re out on your tuchas.

I have no idea how we’re gonna replace local journalism. Maybe we’ll have to wait for it to be re-invented.