An Earth-Shaking Discovery

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The long-lost, quasi-legendary Condescending White Liberals Graveyard has at last been found!

Renowned explorer and paranormal investigator Chick Shamble announced the mind-blowing discovery, but refused to divulge its location. “They’ll all be dug up and put back to work in 15 minutes if word of this gets out,” he said. “Now I wish I’d never found it! The place gives me the creeps. All those ghosts babbling about diversity and social justice! Ugh! And they never shut up.”

Shamble said he got the clues he needed just by watching TV news shows. “Whenever they’re short-handed,” he said, “they go out to the Condescending White Liberals Graveyard and dig one up. Slap on some makeup and they’re ready to rock ‘n’ roll. It’s like they’ve never been away.”

You’d be surprised, he added, “in fact, you’d be amazed, to find how how many of those reporters and commentators you see on TV are actually dead. Dan Rather died four years before they took him off the air.”

But they’re not all in the news media.

“How do you think they staff the teachers’ colleges?” Shamble said.

Gnus for News?

See, this is what happens when nobody reads!

It was supposed to be News at 4, the latest project of the Crummy News Network. Celebrity anchor Dan Rather was all set to return to prime-time news.

But because the instructions were delivered verbally, over the phone, instead of in writing–standard studio policy, because so many employees can’t read–News at 4 was transformed (fundamentally!) into Gnus at 4.

The fact that it has turned into the No. 1 rated gnus show came nowhere near to mollifying Rather, who exploded into one of history’s great tantrums and finally walked off the set after he regained control of his bodily functions.

“Well, sure, Dan was upset,” said CNN Managing Director Biff Trotsky. “I mean, who wants to narrate a half-hour of gnus just hangin’ out, eatin’ grass? But I’m here to tell Dan, ‘That’s the last offer you’re gonna get, sunshine.'”

A recent viewer poll had 77% percent saying that “gnus just hanging out” was a big improvement over regular news.

How to Make Your Ratings Go Up

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They could always try hanging the chart upside-down…

So there’s this noozie whose show is at the very bottom of the ratings heap, Brian Something… is it Swelter? Brian Swelter? (Nah, that’s the mean chef in Gormenghast.)

How is this fat bald guy supposed to get his ratings up? Believe it or not, he solved the problem.

By going on vacation! (https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2021/05/awkward-cnn-hosts-ratings-go-slightly-away-vacation/)

Him not being there caused his show’s dismal ratings to improve. Only slightly, but one has to start somewhere. His show might really get a shot in the arm if he resigns and disappears from public view.

Noozies, we don’t love you anymore.

‘This Just In (Some Very Hot News Flashes)’ (2015)

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When I wrote this, I was still coming to grips with the idea that it’s The Narrative that matters in Journalism, not the facts. As you will see from the following examples, I came very close to mastering The New Journalism.

This Just In (Some Very Hot News Flashes)

“How did you do that, Lee?”

I just made it all up!

I’ll be getting job offers from the networks any day now.

Journalism: A Travesty (Part 2)

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Once upon a time there was this image of the reporter as a hard-headed, skeptical, show-me type. Those women who were the infantry of local journalism in the 1970s–they could see through a brick wall; and what they saw, they wrote.

I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry. I was a newspaperman: reporter and editor. And I’m ashamed of what my former profession, once an honorable profession, has become.

The hard-headed, skeptical reporter is extinct. Oh, there are cryptozoological reports about isolated members of the species surviving in out-of-the-way places in the hinterland; but you won’t see them unless you look real hard.

No one outdoes today’s free and independent press when it comes to believing pure crapola and pushing it on the public. A man gets his junk chopped off, shoots up with female hormones, and says he’s a “woman”; and every single noozie in the Western world calls this wacko “she” and “her” and makes like the guy really is a woman now–and piles on anyone who says different. Could anything be more soft-headed, more credulous? There would be no “transgender” without the nooze media.

Once upon a time reporters didn’t just pass along the Far Left talking points. Once upon a time reporters questioned what they were told, and kept on asking questions till they got the truth. (Most of them, at least–The New York Times parted company with truth quite a few years ago.) But today noozies never question anything, no matter how preposterous, said by any Democrat.

That’s why they keep banging the drum for Russian Collusion, never mind there wasn’t any. It’s “the narrative.” It serves the Democrat Party. So the noozies have it on the menu every day.

Okay, sure–it’s true that the TV nooze networks, even that far back, were about as straight as corkscrews. Ditto the major print media. Democrats are nostalgic for those days when Walter Cronkite spun his spiel and the whole country believed him because there was no meaningful competition. We thank God for His providence: the Internet has put an end to that, let Google and Facebook try as they will to establish themselves as an information monopoly. There always have been and always will be corrupt, dishonest news media.

But there certainly used to be more honesty in the news than there is now. And don’t tell me any different, because I was there.

‘It Was on the News!’

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I’m in the doctor’s office, waiting to pay my bill, and two women behind the counter were arguing about whether their iPhone could or couldn’t do a certain thing. The one had her phone in her hand and said, “Look! See! It can’t do that!”

But the other only said, and she must have said it twenty times, “But I saw it on the news! It was on the news!”

So “the news” is now the gold standard of absolute truth? Even trumping the evidence of your own senses? If it’s on the news, it must be true?

What about stuff that wasn’t on the news? Never happened? Doesn’t exist? Can’t be true because it wasn’t on the news? I think of people that I know who never heard of the Climategate scandal because the Democrat TV nooze refused to report it. This was proof, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the whole Climbit Change business is a fraud. But no–it wasn’t on the news. Global Warming was, though, so Global Warming must be true.

Even when the noozies aren’t just plain lying to us, or suppressing unwelcome information, leaving things out that would otherwise refute The Narrative, the nooze can always fall back on sloppiness or ignorance. I have been a reporter and an editor: I know. Very little effort is made, anymore, to tell the truth.

There were, of course, other news outlets, many of them from Britain, that did bother to report Climategate. With a little extra effort, and the Internet, you could find out all about it. But if you’re just going to sit in front of Democrat TV and take only what they give you, there’s no hope you’ll ever get the straight story. It’s distressing to think there are so many people out there to whom that description applies.

The power of the nooze media is a terrible thing, and it’s doing us no good.

I’ve Been Interviewed on TV

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My back was playing me up this morning, so instead of playing basketball, I walked to the Y for a shower.

As on my weary way I plod, I spied a host of axolotls. Oops, wrong line. Actually, I was accosted by a New Jersey News reporter and her camerman, and asked what I thought of Jabberin’ Jim Comey’s latest remarks about our president.

I replied by blowing a raspberry. “Democrat politics!” I said. “Remember what it was like ten years ago, with Bush Derangement Syndrome? Those people were crazy then, and they’re crazier now.

“Comey deserved to be canned. He can’t stop running to the camera. He was supposed to be an FBI director, not a reality show.” And so on. We’ll see if I survive the cutting room. I mean, some guy with a Genghis Khan T-shirt and no respect for the Democrat Party–think they want that on TV?

Along the way I also saw a chipmunk–not very common around here–and the world’s biggest painted turtle sunning herself on the grassy shore of Tommy’s Pond. And a couple of huge, gorgeous carp.

God’s stuff works better than TV.

TV Noozie Warns: ‘Your Kids Are Dead, Too’

Again we wonder if they surgically remove your brain before they let you be a TV noozie. Here’s a Fox News weatherman issuing an apocalyptic warning about the hurricane: “This moves 20 miles to the West, and you and everyone you know are dead… because you can’t survive it… and your kids are dead, too.”

Remember the nooze coverage of Hurricane Katrina? There were gonna be at least 10,000 dead! (Not even a little bit close.) The people in the Silverdome are gonna go berserk and start eating each other! (They didn’t.) New Orleans is finished! (It wasn’t.) Not to mention the noozie putz in the rowboat making like it’s the Great Flood, until a couple of people waded past him in galoshes because the water was only ankle-deep.

Oh, yeah, noozies, we believe you! Especially when you tell us that a hurricane is gonna kill us all, unless our government signs this U.N. treaty and then they’ll be able to stop the hurricanes, blah-blah…