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G’day, mates! Looks like that Biden thing has sucked all the air out of the room. Byron the Quokka here, tryin’ to pump some air back in. And how do we do that? With TV listings! Provided by Quokka University. Like these:

5 P.M. Ch. 03 SUPERMODEL SQUAD–Sheer idiocy

What if a bunch of supermodels got together to form an elite squad of crime fighters? This week: The Gals go up against a doddering old man who thinks he’s a pine tree. Jin-Jin: Francine Van Snoot. Froo-Froo: Jane Eyre. Doc Fimble: Some guy who looks like Ozzie Nelson.

Ch. 10 ASSORTED COCCYX AILMENTS–Sort of a doctor show

Join Dr. Myron Bilch, D.D.S., as he earns his reputation as “Coccyx Doctor to the Stars.” Today: She stars in the latest Cigar Wars movie, but is plagued by a coccyx that slips out of place whenever she gets up from a chair. Brought to you by Acme Sousaphones.

5:16 P.M. Ch. 62 NEWS WITH THE JUNE TAYLOR DANCERS–Self-explanatory (we think)

Whether it’s a White House lost brain scandal, a civil war in Greenland, or killer robots on the march, we’ve got the music and the June Taylor Dancers to make it go down easy. Anchor: Dan Rather (this is his punishment).

6 P.M. Ch. 41 MOVIE–Hard-boiled crime drama (Consult your physician before you watch it)

Gino the Human Colander stars in Make My Day, Suckah! (Icelandic/Catuvellauni, 1966: 14 minutes [414,with commercials]), the partially true story of a private detective who won’t eat anything unless it’s boiled. This week: A world-famous lawyer with an ironclad alibi is accused of stealing Michelangelo’s David , replacing it with a perfect facsimile. Can Ollie Egg (Gino) trick him into confessing to the crime? The Suspect: Raymond Burr. Flute salesman: Mario Proccacino.

Well, I hope these shows can pry you away from politics for a little while. Quokka politics always ends up in a pie fight!

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Byron the Quokka, signing off

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G’day! Byron the Quokka here, on Rottnest Island. I hear a lot of you Yanks have been snowed in, can’t get out and have fun. Well, it looks like I’m here with more TV listings just in time! We don’t want you going mad with cabin fever, do we?

So here are the Quokka University Broadcast System’s (see? we’ve got a name for it now) offerings for this weekend. Happy viewing, everybody!

8 p.m. 03 MY MOTHER THE NEWT (Sitcom) Harry and Debbie get kicked off their middle school band when Mr. Roomba discovers their mother is a giant newt. Can Uncle Beefy, a rather large frog, save the day? Mr. Roomba: Ricardo Montalban. Uncle Beefy: Dick Cavett.

05 NEWS WITH RUDE NOISES (News and Weather) The same news you got on all the other channels, but this time with crude and impolite noises in the background. Anchorman’s identity still unknown.

8:10 P.M. 05 MOVIE OF THE MILLENIUM “I Hear Earwigs Singing” (1971) The Bowery Boys take on a mad grocer (Colin Clive) who has been flouting London’s health codes–in Yuma, Arizona. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, Chou En-lai. Special guest appearance by Elias Howe, inventor of the sewing machine.

8:39 P.M. 04 TRAGEDY PLAYHOUSE (Drama) “When You Lose That Beat” combines Oedipus Rex with Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom for a totally incomprehensible waste of 93 minutes. Guaranteed to impress your friends and family, if you say you watched the whole thing. Oedipus: Rory Calhoun. Marlon Perkins: himself. Music by Bobby Fischer and his Orchestra.

8:45 P.M. 07, 11, 13 SLUGGO POTASH, GUNSLINGER! (Western, as if you didn’t know) In “Duel at the Lost City of the Poptecs,” Sluggo (Darren McGavin) must shoot it out with his arch-enemy, Mitch McConnell, who has made himself dictator of a lost city inhabited by people no one ever heard of. King Axolotl: Jon Hall. Princess Chipotle: Joey Heatherton. High Priest: Soupy Sales.

Well, that’s enough for now! I still don’t know how we got our hands–I mean our paws–on all these shows, and I’m sure I don’t want to.