Tag: goofy TV shows

Byron’s TV Listings, July 26

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide July 20, 1981 Los Angeles 5 a.m.-8 p.m.

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of glorious, glamorous, gargantuan TV! Brought to you by Quokka University, where illusions go to die. (All right, I don’t know what I meant! It just sounded cool.)

Saturday

2:42 p.m.   Ch. 45  COCCYX MAN–Superhero drama

What if your coccyx was more than just a coccyx? What if it made you a superhero? That’s exactly what happened to Marcus Farkus (Willis McGeek) when he was trying to clean up the laboratory at night and slipped and fell into a vat of heaven knows what. Prof Knopf: Leo McKern. Woozie Suzie: Hsiang K’e-bang.

Sunday

4:17 p.m.  Ch. 16   SAN FRAN SHRUBS vs. CHARLESTON PAPERWEIGHTS–Sports (after a fashion)

Join celebrity broadcasters Herschel Worthless and Annie Victanny as the two big-league teams go at it! Object of the game: To remain perfectly still the longest! Move too early and you’re out! Sponsored by Ugly Bald Man Weiners.

6:11 p.m.  Ch. 44   LAPSY THE WONDER DOG–Indescribable suspense

No one will believe Lapsy when she tries to warn Farmer YoHo (George “Sparky” Blotz) and his family of talking axolotls. Lapsy must act! Will it do any good to chew up a lot of coarse grass and get terribly ill? We’ll see! Mrs. Bobble: Anne Francis.

So there you have it, folks–this week’s highlights. I can’t wait to see who’s best at remaining perfectly still for hours at a time!

Quokka | National Geographic Kids

Gee, I wonder if that bike is up for grabs…

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, June 28

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Speaking of quokkas… G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another slate of fabulous TV shows brought to you by Quokka University. Somebody famous went there once, but I can’t remember who it was.

Meanwhile, check out these shows.

Saturday

10:17 a.m.   Ch. 23   YOU CAN’T BEAT MR. DRUM–Variety (as it were)

Join your host, Titus A. Drum, as drunken contestants try to do impossible things in hope of winning cheap prizes! This week: running a marathon in the nude; Playing soccer with a large rock instead of a ball.

2:48 p.m.  Ch. 03  Movie–JUNGLE JIM’S APPALLING SECRET–Drama

Jungle Jim (Asa Schimmelpfennig: they couldn’t get Weismuller) finds a lost city inhabited by people who aren’t quite all there. Professor Twist: Billy Gilbert. The Ol’ Prospector: Froggy the Gremlin.

Sunday

4:15 p.m.  Ch. 44   NBA REJECTS BASKETBALL–Sports

The Newark Fouls take on the Detroit Sad Sacks at The Roach Motel, Cleveland. Featured as the long-awaited showdown between Bigfoot LaPong and “Poison Larry” Inksipper, a former mayor of Cleveland (unidentified) will crouch timorously on half-court. Announcer: Some Renaissance artist we didn’t know was still around.

7:22   Ch. 60   DR. CHEMO’S MASTER CLASS–Sitcom

What do you get when you mix sulfuric acid with nitroglycerin and Cheerios? Dr. Chemo (John Zacherle) and his students may not know, offhand, but they’re always eager to find out. Oops… looks like Hambone Junior High School needs another roof.

Well, that’s that! These shows have been selected by a genius. I can hardly wait for the NBA Rejects!

Quokka | National Geographic Kids

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

Byron’s TV Listings: June 7

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide May 25, 1964 S. Ohio daytime

The boss has been sick all week, so for this week’s TV listings, I’m on my own–Byron the Quokka, the Grand Pooh-bah of obscure TV shows that nobody watches. Except for the ones I watch. Here are a few of my favorites.

Saturday

5:30 a.m., Ch. 46   THE SKINFLINTSTONES–the lowest comedy imagineable

What if our prehistoric ancestors were a lot of tightwads? What if they were cheap and stingy before money was invented? Tune in to watch Pa Skinflintstone (Matt Sigfusson) try to cheat Bjarni (Rocky Timoshenko) out of his weekly slosh ration.

4 p.m., Ch. 14  KITCHEN OF INDESCRIBABLE DELIGHTS–Cooking show, believe it or not

It’s only later that we find out the only reason these delights are indescribable is because Chef Ronnie Hsiao can’t describe anything! “You, ah, take this pointy thing and cut open this thing with dots all over it…” And then he makes barnyard noises. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Sunday

1:34 p.m., Ch. 12  MOVIE–High and Low Adventure

In Your Mama’s Busted Coccyx (Nebraska, 2002) Chad Boccigalup stars as Shorty Remco, the CIA’s most deadly secret agent. In this outing, Shorty slips up and inadvertently rubs out the Director (Bugs Bunny Jones), posing a challenging problem to Senator Hobo (an animated bas-relief–the latest thing!) Admiral Sprocket: No one in particular.

Well, boys ‘n’ gulls, that ought to doll up your weekend like nobody’s business! Settle down in your burrow with a jar of pickles and just let the world go by.

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

How Quokkas Selfies Help Their Population Bounce Back

(The guy with the whiskers thinks anyone can be a quokka. Sigh! Oh, the ignorance!}

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 22

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide June 29, 1970 S. Florida daytime - Retro TV ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Have we got TV for you this weekend! Byron the Quokka here–with a small sample of what Quokka University has lined up for you. Let’s get started!

Saturday

6:46 a.m., Ch. 42  THE BUNDLES!–Paranormal suspense thriller

They twitch. They shift their position when no one’s looking. They make funny noises. Can super-detective Fong Hsueh-ting crack the case before it cracks him? Tonight: The bundles turn up in Mrs. Fogg’s (Peggy Cass) linen closet and get her charged with witchcraft. Sister Mucilage: Linda Hunt

11:00 a.m., Ch. 14  THE POPPY GULUMPHO SHOW–Variety of a very low order

The Cross-Eyed Chorus! Dog sings Dixie! Boy who thinks he’s a bat! Poppy’s got ’em all–even after being banished from all the major networks. Featuring Doc Trotsky and his People’s Revolting Band.

3:11 p.m.  Ch. 56  I’VE GOT A SHAMEFUL SECRET–Sort of a reality show

Can host Sylvia Algae’s team of crack busybodies ferret out the most shameful secrets among the studio audience? The whole country’s still buzzing about that guy who peed the rug when he was 26 years old and got his nephew blamed for it. Boo, hiss!

4 p.m.  Ch. 08  NOSY AUNT FIFI–Melodrama (with obnoxious organ music)

Nosy Aunt Fifi (Sharon Sharalike) bites off more than she can chew when she pokes her nose into the diaries of local Mafia chieftain Vinnie “the Protozoan” Colooch (Wade Boggs). Has her luck run out? Song: My Coccyx Feels Funny.

There! That should get you started.

Quokka Spotting | How & Where to See Rottnest Island's Quokkas

Waiting for my ship to come in! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, June 29

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Here's the Northern Ohio... - From the Pages of TV Guide ...

G’day, mates! Looks like that Biden thing has sucked all the air out of the room. Byron the Quokka here, tryin’ to pump some air back in. And how do we do that? With TV listings! Provided by Quokka University. Like these:

5 P.M.  Ch. 03   SUPERMODEL SQUAD–Sheer idiocy

What if a bunch of supermodels got together to form an elite squad of crime fighters? This week: The Gals go up against a doddering old man who thinks he’s a pine tree. Jin-Jin: Francine Van Snoot. Froo-Froo: Jane Eyre. Doc Fimble: Some guy who looks like Ozzie Nelson.

Ch. 10   ASSORTED COCCYX AILMENTS–Sort of a doctor show

Join Dr. Myron Bilch, D.D.S., as he earns his reputation as “Coccyx Doctor to the Stars.” Today: She stars in the latest Cigar Wars movie, but is plagued by a coccyx that slips out of place whenever she gets up from a chair. Brought to you by Acme Sousaphones.

5:16 P.M.   Ch. 62   NEWS WITH THE JUNE TAYLOR DANCERS–Self-explanatory (we think)

Whether it’s a White House lost brain scandal, a civil war in Greenland, or killer robots on the march, we’ve got the music and the June Taylor Dancers to make it go down easy. Anchor: Dan Rather (this is his punishment).

6 P.M.  Ch. 41   MOVIE–Hard-boiled crime drama (Consult your physician before you watch it)

Gino the Human Colander stars in Make My Day, Suckah! (Icelandic/Catuvellauni, 1966: 14 minutes [414,with commercials]), the partially true story of a private detective who won’t eat anything unless it’s boiled. This week: A world-famous lawyer with an ironclad alibi is accused of stealing Michelangelo’s David , replacing it with a perfect facsimile. Can Ollie Egg (Gino) trick him into confessing to the crime? The Suspect: Raymond Burr. Flute salesman: Mario Proccacino.

Well, I hope these shows can pry you away from politics for a little while. Quokka politics always ends up in a pie fight!

Happy Quokka Images – Browse 2,251 Stock Photos, Vectors ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off

A Hit TV Series That Couldn’t Be Produced

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Bracelet with handcuff key is on cops' watch list - New York Daily News

[Hat tip to my wife for the original idea]

You may have thought no idea was too idiotic for TV today. The suits at Fonebone Studios thought so, too.

It was a guaranteed winning idea, a sure hit. “Just think of it as Father Brown meets Kojack!” gushed executive producer Shemp Cafone. “We checked with our lawyers, Fowler & Fowler, and they couldn’t think of any snag that might hold us back. All we gotta do is cast it!”

Tentatively titled I Confess, Already!, the show centers on a Catholic Priest, Father Farfel… who is also Lt. Farley Farfel, homicide detective! “First he hears their confession, and then he busts ’em!” exclaimed Mr. Cafone. “You see the bad guy comin’ outta the confession thingy in handcuffs! Lt. Farfel bags another one!”

Several writers had to be fired before they could find some who’d consent to write the scripts. Said one fired screenwriter, who asked his name to be withheld, “What are they, crazy? No priest would do that! You can’t arrest someone after hearing his confession! You can’t even tell anybody else what he confessed to. Holy cow, you don’t even have to be Catholic to know that! Those guys at Fonebone are total idiots.”

Two scripts had already been written, and negotiations under way with Arnold Schwarzenegger to play Father Farfel, when the studio president’s 8-year-old granddaughter pointed out that of course not, you can’t hear someone’s confession and then arrest him. His cousin the bishop affirmed that. Without further ado, the project was killed. So was Shemp Cafone.

And it never saw the light of day…