Tag: general silliness

That Business with the Mob of Peasants (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

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From June 2, 2019

 

Introducing Chapter CCXCIV of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular confides in her readers, “Let me confide in you, dear readers! I do wish Mr. Duigon had not said I was ‘in jail’! I was merely helping the police with their inquiries. They are trying to discover who, if anyone, poisoned Mr. Pitfall, and they now suspect everyone in the neighborhood–he is that unpopular. I hope they realize now that my toothpaste rolls couldn’t make anybody that sick!” She is a little miffed that none of the police officers was willing to try one himself.

Moving on to the chapter, she describes the grief and horror that overwhelmed all Scurvyshire when Mr. Percy Puce, F.R.S., the shire’s Resident Genius, disappeared below the vicar’s backyard wading pool as the result of a fall from a clandestine sliding board. Don’t ask me if that’s a suitable adjective for a sliding board. I just work here.

Provoked beyond measure, a mob of peasants armed with torches and pitchforks assembles at The Lying Tart. Why they should want torches in broad daylight is mystifying. Maybe it’s just a thing that mobs of peasants do.

“We’ll destroy the vicar’s wading pool if it’s the last thing we do!” vows the mob’s ringleader, button collecter Oswald Backdraft, Official Ringleader of the Peasants Benevolent Association. The mob rushes off to the vicar’s back yard and that’s the last anybody sees of them.

Hours later, word of the incident reaches Lord Jeremy Coldsore at Coldsore Hall, where they have just put the Marquess of Grone to bed.

“We’re going to run out of peasants at this rate!” ejaculates Lord Jeremy. (“It’s a perfectly permissible use of that verb!” insists Ms. Crepuscular. I just work here.) “Constable Chumley, you ought to have prevented this disaster!”

“Huish, M’lord, I deagle fair maundery this fleethin’,” parries the constable. He rushes off to The Lying Tart to see if he can find any clues at the bottom of a tankard of ale.

This still leaves five chapters, I think, to be written before catching up to Chapter CCC, which Ms. Crepuscular has written out of order. “I pledge myself to accomplish this,” she writes in a chapter-ending footnote, “provided I am left in peace!”

Lord Jeremy’s Wooing, Part 2 REPRINT

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From November 15, 2017

Once again we turn to Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Chapter LXXVI. Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he is Sargon of Akkad, has sworn eternal friendship to Lord Jeremy Coldsore, who in an absent-minded moment, distracted by his own troubles, was the first to call him Sargon.

Mr. Twombley is now in Lady Margo Cargo’s parlor, to plead with her to marry Lord Jeremy.

Lady Margo takes out her glass eye, polishes it with the hem of her dress, pops it back into the socket. “Really, Mr. Twombley, doesn’t Miss Crepuscular know this scene has already been done, in The Courtship of Miles Standish?”

“Who, ma’am?”

“Also, sir, you talk funny.”

Twombley crosses his eyes. “Why, ma’am, that there’s jist my Akkadian accent comin’ out. Ah cain’t help it, thass how we talk. You just close yore ahs and make believe it ain’t me but Lord Germy who’s a-talkin’ to you.” Lady Margo closes the only eye that needs closing. Twombley finds the effect unnerving, but proceeds.

“Dear Lady Margo, Ah declare yo’re jist about the purttiest filly in all this land of England or wherever we are, and Ah would be the happiest man on earth if you and me could mosey on down to the parson and git hitched.”

Lord Jeremy is crouched under the bay window, listening from the outside. This is his last chance to stave off ruin and bankruptcy. Marriage to Lady Margo will save Coldsore Hall. And Twombley seems to be doing very well.

“Why, Mr. Twombley, no one has ever spoken such words to me before!” Lady Margo gushes. She makes a coquettish gesture that causes her wig to be crooked. “Very well, my dear man, if you insist! We shall visit the pastor and get hitched, as you put it, this very afternoon! At my time of life, I can’t afford to shilly-shally.”

Twombley does not know what to say. Lord Jeremy shrieks, then faints.

“Don’t be alarmed, dear, it’s just a screech owl in the garden,” Lady Margo coos.

We don’t know if the wedding comes off. I peeked into the next chapter and it’s not in there. That chapter is mostly Miss Crepuscular complaining about certain deficiencies in her diet.

Byron’s TV Listings, May 15 REPRINT

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What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

From May 15, 2021

G’day, g’day! And I hope you’ve got your TV warmed up for another weekend of tip-top broadcasting from Quokka University!

Byron the Quokka here, with a tiny sample of some of our unique programming. Sorry, I’m not allowed to tell you where we get it! We don’t want anybody thrown into jail or shot on our account.

So here’s a little bit of what’s in store for you.

8:17 a.m.  Ch. 03   BREAKFAST WITH CTHULHU–Discussion

Sneak preview of Dracula singing Why Must I Be a Teenager in Love, Gavin Newsom recalling that he had very few toys as a child, and a crowd of people trying to get away from Cthulhu before he eats them. Featuring Justin Trudeau and his little beard.

8:30 a.m.   Ch. 16   CAPTAIN FACEHEAD–Children’s Programming

Capt. Facehead demonstrates how to mix pickles with Woolite, and Mr. Droopy stops by with a swarm of ravenous mosquitoes. Also: how to play solitaire tackle football.

Ch. 21   MACRO PUNCHUM, M.D.–Medical Drama

Macro’s theory of beating patients back to health lands him in a spot of trouble when a patient dies. Old Dr. Peedle (Andre the Giant) defends him, but even older Dr. Bizz (Martha Washington) is out to get him. Nurse Tweedle: Twiggy. Macro Punchum: John Rhys-Davies.

Ch. 42   MIGUEL BORRACHO–Very Poor Excuse for TV Programming

A Spanish-language soap opera written by persons who don’t speak it very well, starring actors and actresses who don’t speak it at all. Panchito: Justin Trudeau. Luisa: Angela Merkel.  Capablanca: Benny Hill.  Juan Valdez’ Aunt: Name Withheld.

9 a.m.   Ch. 08   MOVIE–Drama/Surfing/Sci-Fi

“What Goes Up” (1977) asks the haunting question, What if there were a planet full of surfers? And what if they all looked like Supreme Court justices? Scuffy: Earl Warren. Muffy: William Rehnquist  Gidget: Sandra Day O’Connor  Ho-Baby: Harry Blackmun.  The Voice of Doom: Jon Hall. Plus a Tamil-language tribute to the Bowery Boys.

Well, there’s your sample. Believe it or not, we also have shows that are a lot better than these. I never did like Macro Punchum: it made me afraid to go to the doctor’s.

Fun facts about the Quokka, the happiest animal on earth

‘The Queen Has Noticed!'(Oy, Rodney) REPRINT

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

You may remember, if you have nothing better to do, that Scurveyshire has been invaded by singing millipedes. As disconcerting at this is, it’s about to get worse. The Queen of Suspense, Violet Crepuscular, introduces Chapter DCLXXXX of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney.

“What a scandal!” she croons. “Queen Victoria has found out about the trouble in Scurveyshire. Behold! a sample of her dialogue.

“‘Caw blimey!’ says Queen. ”’Ere now, wot’s bloomin ‘appening aout thare? ‘Ay?'” (“That will get you started in understanding the way they talk on PBS,” Ms. Crepuscular confides in the reader.)

The millipedes, meanwhile, have ditched Jimmy Crack Corn and moved on to O, Them Golden Slippers. At night you can hear them slithering down Main Street–millions, nay, billions of them!

“Here is an image of a bunch o’ millipedes,” writes Ms. Crepuscular, “along with a piece of a poem about millipedes by Francois Villon.

Watch Swarms of Millipedes Join Ranks to Survive

“They come in swarms, in hideous forms–

They’re worse than April thunderstorms!”

Now it’s only good suspense writing to hold off till next week, or whenever, the resolution of this problem. What, you don’t think it’s a problem? Wait’ll you’ve got a houseful of millipedes!

Will Queen Victoria send the Royal Millipede Inspector to Scurveyshire?

And will that worthy turn out to be Lady Margo Cargo’s childhood sweetheart?

Only Violet Crepuscular knows! Ask everybody else if they care.

Woman Grilled by CID In Britain For Calling Herself a Spaz

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The Queen Will Visit Scurveyshire REPRINT

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From December 14, 2017

The news today is just awful, as usual, so turn we unto something a little less awful…

In Chapter CII of Oy, Rodney by Violet Crepuscular, everything has been disrupted by the startling news that the Queen plans to visit Scurveyshire.

“What queen?” wonders Lady Margo Cargo.

“It don’t matter–a queen’s a queen,” replies her fiancee, the American adventurer Willis Twombley, who thinks he is Sargon of Akkad.

“But this is wonderful, Sargon! If we have her as a guest at our wedding, she may help you get your empire back!”

“Well, maybe. But listen, l’il gal, I got to tell you a secret, and you got to keep it. Okay?”

“I can keep a secret, my dear. I always forget secrets before I can tell them.”

Twombley takes a deep breath. “L’il gal, it’s like this. You know Lord Germy Coldsore?”

“I’ve known Lord Jeremy all his life,” says Lady Margo, “ever since he was a foundling left on the doorstep of Coldsore Hall.” Anyone else would be floored by this shocking revelation, but Twombley lets it slide right past him.

“Here’s the secret: me and Lord Germy, we’re the same guy. So when you marry me, you’ll be marrying him, too.”

“Oh, Sargon, how can that be? You don’t even look like him.”

“That’s on account of my secret Akkadian powers of illusion,” Twombley explains. “I can look like me and him standin’ side by side at the same time. Been doin’ in for years. I had to learn it because, you know, bein’ king of Akkad, I got a lot of enemies. Especially them Babylonians–they’re always tryin’ to do me in. You don’t mind, do you?”

“Mind what?”

“Me bein’ Germy, too, and you marryin’ him and sayin’ it’s me. That’s okay with you, ain’t it?”

“Whatever you say, Sargon dear.” At this point she has to pause and rearrange her wig.

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Sargon of Akkad: add a cowboy hat, and his resemblance to Willis Twombley is easily detectable.

Meanwhile Constable Chumley, guarding the wading pool in the vicar’s back yard, reports that “I seen a perby divvil of a throll peekin’ out from under yon pool, and it skeered the limmins out of us!” No one is quite sure what he means.

Byron’s TV Listings (May 1) REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1963

Wow! Here on Rottnest Island, it’s almost time for Deputy Dawg! But first a word about this week’s TV listings, brought to you by Quokka U. If we can raise enough money, we can buy one of those air-boats like they had in “Everglades.” Now all we need is a swamp!

Byron the Quokka here, and here’s a sample of this weekend’s fabulous television.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 03   THE BLOODY PIRATES OF SKELETON ISLAND–Adventure

The pirates swoop down on a wagon train in the middle of the prairie and suddenly discover they’ve lost their ship! Cap’n Cod: Lorne Green  Clambrain: John Kerry   Marvin the Talking Ox: Howard Cosell

Ch. 05   NEWS WITH STEVE THE HAMSTER–News

Who says the news anchor has to be human? As Steve runs faster and faster in his hamster wheel, news stories fly out from the bottom and Ed McMahon digs them out of the cedar shavings and reads them for the camera.

6:36 P.M.  Ch. 46   SHERPA TO THE STARS–Travel

Hollywood superstars love to climb the Himalayas! And Sherpa Gutzu Lhotsa Sope is the man who guides them to the summits. Even if he doesn’t always come down with the same celebrities with which he went up. With Andrew Cuomo and his orchestra.

7 P.M.  Ch. 10  HOPALONG HAGGIS–Scottish Western

Hopalong Haggis really does have to propel himself by hopping along on alternate feet, but that doesn’t stop him from solving crimes for the Phnom Penh C.I.D. in Cambodia, with whom he communicates telepathically. This week: someone’s left the water running. Hopalong: Harry Wong   Sgt. MacPherson: Sid Fernandez   Mrs MacGavin: Linzy Kagemusha

Ch. 12  TITUS ANDRONICUS–Cartoons

Shakespeare’s gory mess makes for hilarious cartoons! Host: Suitcase Simpson.

Ch. 17  MOVIE–Tragicomedy

“Lost in the Outback” (1958) features the Bowery Boys being picked off one by one by rogue kangaroos and vengeful wandering minstrels. Filmed in Brooklyn but made to look just like the Australian wilderness, give or take a few cars and sidewalks. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall.  Rogue kangaroo trainer: Loretta Young. Suspicious-looking Rock: Tommy Lee Jones.

Well, there you have it! I can’t wait to see “Lost in the Outback.” A lot of ninnies get lost in the Outback. Some of them get lost looking for it. They think it’s somewhere “out back.”

I hope our university opens soon.

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Scurveyshire’s Reddle Craze REPRINT

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From November 29, 2020

Introducing Chapter CCCXCIII (Chapter CCCXCII seemed to be missing) of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular writes, “Olaf Skraeling’s diabolical plan to win the hand of Lady Margo Cargo by disguising himself as a reddleman has worked too well! All of Scurveyshire has gone absolutely mad for reddle-ing (or should it be ‘reddling’?), and he suddenly has so much business that he has no time to woo the rich widow!”

She takes the opportunity to soliloquize about the pitfalls of crime, adding certain lewd comments about her neighbor, Mr. Pitfall. We will spare the reader. Feel free to tear out those two dozen pages.

Suddenly everyone in Scurveyshire wants everything reddled–doors and windows, dogs, children, tools, underclothes… “They’ve all gone mad!” cries Lord Jeremy Coldsore. They have even reddled the bearded barmaid at The Lying Tart. Desperate to curb the craze, Lord Jeremy summons Constable Chumley and orders him to arrest the reddleman.

“Withy me aw’ yon firthin mizzle, m’lord,” demurs the constable. His keen police instincts aroused, he already knows the reddleman is none other than Mr. Skraeling, and therefor that worst of all malefactors–a fraudulent reddleman.

“Just do it!” sighs Lord Jeremy.

As for Lady Margo, now that her upholstered wooden leg has been duly reddled, she has attempted to play hop-scotch with some of the reddled children. Hopping awkwardly from one box to the next, her glass eye falls out and shatters on the slate. The children, horrified, run away screaming.

“I must now interject my recipe for cat-food turnovers with a dab of toothpaste on the crust,” Violet interjects. It plays hob with the novel’s continuity.

Byron’s TV Listings (April 24) REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1961

From April 24, 2021

Tally-ho, and away we go! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s Quokka University TV listings. We show the stuff that none of the networks dared to show, back when. But we have to admit we don’t have sponsors like Gro-Pup. We do have Go-Gro Crayfish Food, but their advertising budget won’t grow anything bigger than a crayfish.

Anyway, here are a few samples of fantastically wonderful TV for your weekend. Just don’t tell anybody where you got it.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 02  GIRDLES GALORE–Fashion

You’ll never again have to ask, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Because you’ll have a Hollywood Girdle on under it! Hosts: Boris Karloff, Ayn Rand. With Gene Woodling’s Xylophone Orchestra.

Ch. 06  SPORTS NOBODY CARES ABOUT–Interviews

Howard Cosell interviews athletes who play sports you never heard of–Papuan egg-swallowing, speed crocheting from Estonia, 43-man Squamish, wheel barrow-throwing from the most isolated regions of Spain, and many others. Nominated for a Broken Coccyx Award!

Ch. 14  SHOOT ‘EM ALL!–Western

Sheriff Grendel (Alan Alda) recovers from having a load of bricks dumped on his head, but has now become a serial killer out for revenge–against whom, he doesn’t know. It’s up to shy schoolmarm Pam Spam (Joan Rivers) and plucky Deputy Horace Dawg (an animated root vegetable) to stop him. Toby: Steve Reeves  Mayor Motormouth: Nick Cravat

7:46 P.M.  Ch. 42  UNDERWATER BALLET NEWS–News

Anchor David Pong reports from underwater at Weeki Wachee while the famous Mermaids cavort all around him. Be sure to send away for the Bubble-Meister, or you won’t be able to understand a word David says–remember, he’s sitting underwater and it makes him sound funny.

8:01 P.M.  Ch. 16  MOVIE–Romance/Adventure

“The Lost City of Almost-Naked Women” (1970) finds the Bowery Boys exploring a lost city deep in the heart of Brooklyn. This was the first and last movie directed by Sen. Walter Mondale. Huntz Hall, Leo Gorcey.  Prof. Peedle: Arnold Stang  Dr. Von Schussnig: Zsa Zsa Gabor  Featuring the Bil Baird Puppets.

Well, that ought to be enough to get you started! And please let us know if you actually get a Bubble-Meister after you send away for one.

Violet Crepuscular’s Pulitzer Prize REPRINT

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Masanori Murakami, SF 1964: the first Japanese player in MLB | Baseball, Murakami, Baseball cards

Editor’s Note: We are unable to post our usual Oy, Rodney cover today. This vintage Masonori Murakami baseball card is the closest we can come to it.

From December 27, 2020

We find Violet Crepuscular–author of the epic romance novel, Oy, Rodney–feverishly rubbing a battery-powered camping lantern.

“I would not have it said that I am in any way superstitious,” she writes, “but I found this magic lamp for sale on eBay. All you have to do is rub it feverishly while reciting the correct incantation, and a genie will come out and grant your wish. But I’m having trouble with the incantation–Ia, Cthulhu! Ugthn mgawlwha fhtagn, Cthulu fhtagn! Or something like that–one of those crazy languages they speak in foreign countries, I don’t know how they can even hope to understand each other. But now that my neighbor Mr. Pitfall has nominated me for a Pulitzer Prize, I think I’ll need a genie’s help to seal the deal. It’s just that this incantation is devilish hard to pronounce! And I had two years of Latin in high school, too!”

Meanwhile, in Chapter CCCXCVII of her epic romance novel, Oy, Rodney, Ms. Crepuscular, who seems to have entirely lost her train of thought, has introduced a new character–Johnno the Merry Minstrel’s cousin, Ronno the Not At All Merry Minstrel. Ronno has just returned from spending twelve years as morale officer at a Siberian prison.

As soon as he steps off the train, Constable Chumley arrests him.

“Why in the world did you do that?” cries Johnno. “He only just got off the train!”

“Ay, liddie, but aw’ yon frythers macks a Whithle scray,” the constable explains. Johnno has to be content with that.

“In the next chapter,” promises Ms. Crepuscular, “the reader will be treated to non-stop action and well-nigh unendurable suspense!”

We can hardly wait.