Tag: general silliness

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 27 REPRINT

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From January 27, 2024

G’day, g’day–and rain, rain, go away! Byron the Quokka here, with TV delights guaranteed to get you through the bad weather without your brains falling out. Like these, for instance:

7 P.M.  Ch. 08  CAN PEOPLE GET HAIRBALLS?–Panel discussion

Join a panel of non-entity celebrities–Beto O’Rourke, Alyssa Milano, Colin Whatsisname, and some ninny who broke in here one night, looking for designer undies–as they continue to discuss this fascinating topic. They’ve been at it eight weeks now! Featuring the June Taylor Dancers and their new number, “Coccyx Busters.”

Ch. 18  THE NEWS GAME WITH JIMMY FRAUD–Penance

Can you pick out the only news item of the night that’s not a fake? If our special guests can’t, they get a shock where it’ll do the most good! Featuring Artificial People in the studio audience!

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 14  MOVIE–Documentary

John Phillip Tossup stars as the legendary Barroom Head-Butting champion, Windy Weinstein in It Hurts You More Than It Hurts Me (Serbo-Honduran, 2014: 781 minutes). Was Windy’s head really indestructible? Glamorous CIA Agent Barbie Vavoom (Sandy Duncan, with voice-over by Luciano Pavarotti) needs to know! Song: “Ooh, Me Achin’ Head!”, sung by studio electricians.

8 P.M.  Ch. 62  HAVE FLEAS, WILL TRAVEL–Adult Western

(Yes, everybody in this show is an adult!) Gunslinger Lightnin’ Morose (Mel Allen) can’t get rid of them dam’ itchy fleas no matter what he does! This week: A sinister shepherd (Rin Tin Tin) offers Lightnin’ a bath in his sheep dip… with results that’ll keep you freaked out for a week! Little Nell: Dame Judith Anderson. Bystander: Walter Lippman.

Well, that’s that! You’ve got some great TV this week–

The quokka is the happiest animal on Earth! : r/pics

–or my name isn’t Byron the Quokka! And that’s me, signing off.

Rodney Repeals the Law of Gravity (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

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From May 31, 2020

I could hardly wait to read this chapter; but as usual, Violet Crepuscular’s literary genius has thrown us a curve ball.

“Dear Reader,” she introduces Chapter CCCLXIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, “I simply must share with you my romantic evening with my neighbor, Mr. Pitfall, who has quite forgiven me that episode of inadvertent but well-nigh fatal poisoning. In short, we had a date!”

I don’t see how it could have been much of a date. Mr. Pitfall insisted on dinner at their local Alternative Foods restaurant–“Their termite puffs are out of this world!” exults Ms. Crepuscular–but when he discovered they had only curbside takeout service, she writes, “That lovable Pitfall temper flared up again and he began pounding on the door, demanding to be let in for a proper sit-down dinner. One thing led to another, until finally the romantic silly man was dragged off by police. I might have been arrested, too, had not my lively writer’s imagination inspired me to pretend I was the mayor.” Way to go–why didn’t I think of that?

And so, with the chapter already more than halfway over, we come to the wicked medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney, cursing all of Scurveyshire by repealing the law of gravity.

You might have expected that all the shire’s people, animals, and buildings would float straight up until they left the earth behind and were lost in outer space. That is what usually happens when you repeal the law of gravity. “Imagine the sorcerer’s surprise and disappointment,” writes Ms. Crepuscular, “when nothing happened! It seems this is one of those spells that must be regularly practiced in order to get it right. So this time its only effect was to grow rather unsightly beards on The Lying Tart’s bar maids–and one of them already had a beard, so so what? A most discouraging failure for Black Rodney!”

So what about the aristocratic thief, Sir Robin Banks, hiding out in an uninhabited wing of Coldsore Hall, just across the hall from the room where Crusty the crusty butler has hidden Lady Margo Cargo’s priceless glass eyes and family jewels?

“I will take up those matters,” Ms. Crepuscular promises, “after I find some way to raise bail for Mr. Pitfall. He gets so downhearted when he’s in that holding cell!”

 

Don’t Give These Videos as Gifts! REPRINT

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From December 22, 2019

 

Killer Quokkas!

Any time is a good time not to give the following videos as gifts!

Killer Quokkas, starring Chips Rafferty, Michael Caine, and Hedy LaMar. Quokkas are on the rampage, threatening to depopulate Australia. Only Hedy LaMar knows how to summon Godzilla from Monster Island–and she won’t tell, because she’s mad at Michael Caine.

(Byron the Quokka: “I resent this movie!”)

Only Slightly Better than Garbage: Join Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo, washed-up football flop Colin Whatsisname, and the entire cast of The View in listing all the ways America sucks, all the ways Venezuela is better, and all their excuses for not going to live in Venezuela and bother us no more.

Eat Like a Cat! Cult documentary filmmaker Dolph Magnoon teaches you how to save money on your groceries by eating cat food in very small quantities and being hungry all the time. Special guest star: dietary expert Chelsea Clinton.

My Shameful Secret, a Swedish movie made by carpenter ants, stars a Howard Cosell look-alike whose speech is so garbled that even dubbing and subtitles can’t make him understood. To protect his life and property, his name has been removed from the credits. As to what the shameful secret is–well, we never find out, do we? You will be so sorry you paid $2.98 for this video disc!

There, you’ve been warned.

 

Trouble in Scurveyshire (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

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From June 9, 2019

I am happy to report that Byron the Quokka has returned. He was not able to squeeze Ms. Crepuscular through the bars of the holding cell, but he did succeed in rescuing the manuscript, along with a note from Violet to her readers. We quote:

“My dear readers, it’s really too silly for words, my being in jail like this for the sake of a few harmless toothpaste rolls which I eat all the time and have never gotten sick! True, Mr. Pitfall ate all two dozen of them–but it wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t stop him. And it’s not like he’s died or anything! The doctors expect him to be back on his feet in just a year or two. My thanks to Byron the Whatchamacallit for saving my manuscript! The detective who read it said he would surely destroy it, as a service to world literature. Yours sincerely, Violet M. Crepuscular.” She will not tell us what the M stands for.

Moving on, we now have a Chapter CCCI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, which is somewhat below her usual artistic standard–or anyone else’s, for that matter. In this chapter, all of Scurveyshire, led by the few survivors of the Peasants Benevolent Assn., is in an uproar. They have assembled at Coldsore Hall to yell at Lord Jeremy.

“They’ll skedaddle, ol’ hoss, if you let me shoot a few of ’em,” offers the American adventurer, Willis Twombley. “Back home, them Elamites was always tryin’ to riot their way into my palace.” He thinks he is Sargon of Akkad. “But they always gave up when my archers started usin’ ’em for target practice.”

“I’m dashed if I can see my way to that, old boy,” expostulates (I just work here) Lord Jeremy. “If they’d just stay away from that deuced wading pool in the vicar’s back yard, they wouldn’t get sucked under it in droves.” He finally placates the mob by promising to get rid of Black Rodney, the medieval sorcerer responsible for all these objectionable happenings.

“How you gonna do that, Germy?” wonders Twombley. “Him bein’ a ghost and all, and havin’ just blown half the roof off’n your house, I mean.”

Jeremy smiles slyly. “But we now know what he’s afraid of, don’t we?” he replies. “Antimacassars! We’ll drape antimacassars over all the shire!”

Here the chapter breaks off. She had to stop writing, Byron reports, because the jailer was coming to take her for a walk. He had only time to gather up the manuscript and, as he put it, “vamoose!” The quokkas have been watching a lot of old Westerns lately.

Spelling is important. Funny.

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The Executioner Makes House Calls (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

From October 29, 2023

 

[If that ain’t the best headline I ever wrote, I’ll eat my hat.]

“Dear reader,” says Violet Crepuscular, introducing Chapter DCLXXXIII (No, we do not know what happened to Chapter DCLXXXII) of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, “you may have heard that confession is good for the soul. But Willis Twombley could tell you that sometimes it’s not too good for the rest of you!” [You have no idea how hard it was to restrain her from stretching this sentence out to the fringes of the solar system. You want to be an editor!? I could’ve been a tire salesman…]

It turns out that Parliament has just passed a law forbidding anyone to feed cat food to a Church of England vicar. That is exactly what Willis Twombley has done, and word of it has spread like yogurt. (Don’t ask!) The new law carries a death penalty, although in this case the victim can receive the treatment at home.

“Hadn’t you better move on, old chap, before the traveling executioner gets here?” asks Lord Jeremy Coldsore.

“What–and miss the wedding?” Both men are to be married to Lady Margo Cargo, who believes them to be one and the same person. “Anyhow, there ain’t nothin’ easier than bribin’ an executioner to say he did the job when he didn’t.”

But what if this executioner doesn’t take a bribe?

“Tune in next week to find out!” writes The Queen of Suspense. “The day you can’t bribe a traveling executioner with a box of toothpaste sandwiches… well, it’s the day the music dies!”

Roller Derby Comes to Scurveyshire REPRINT

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

From March 7, 2021

Who has time to worry about medieval curses when roller derby is coming to your town?

In Chapter CDIX of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, the populace of Scurveyshire has worked feverishly to set up a roller derby rink on the village common, where the Plaguesby Headhunters will take on the Vichy Poisoners, France’s number one roller derby squad, in a match that promises to be an all-out war.

Meanwhile, the ancient curse, activated by Lady Margo Cargo when she dug up a prehistoric plate with an inscription which she has wrongly interpreted as a recipe for Store Brand Corn Flakes, has been taking its toll: a hangnail here, a dislocated coccyx there, a bad set of involuntary ear-wiggling somewhere else.

But Lord Jeremy Coldsore is otherwise occupied, re-wooing Lady Margo and trying to get their upcoming marriage back on track.

“I can’t help having second thoughts,” says Lady Margo. “You’ve been acting very queer lately, when you’re Willis Twombley. Threatening to shoot me–what kind of fiance does that?”

Ms. Crepuscular intervenes. In an aside to her audience, she writes, “I have a letter from a reader in Palookastan, Mrs. Amy Tanystropheus, who asks, ‘Wouldn’t it have made more sense for Lord Jeremy to have explained to Lady Margo, months and months ago, that he and Mr. Twombley are not the same person? Wouldn’t that have eliminated all this confusion?’

“Well, Amy,” Violet replies, “I’m afraid that ship has sailed! It’s much too late now to clear up that matter. Lady Margo is entirely convinced that Jeremy and Willis are one person, albeit with two totally different personalities. And did I mention that multiple personalities are kind of a tradition in Lady Margo’s family? Her father, Lord Largo Cargo, had four personalities, none of which was functional.

“But even matters of the heart must take a back seat to roller derby!”

Ah! But will the curse adversely affect the roller derby match?

Stay tuned!

What is Roller Derby - Minnesota Roller Derby

Victorian roller derby uniforms were much less revealing than these.

Byron Tackles ‘Oy, Rodney’ REPRINT

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G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with Chapter CCCXLII of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney.

[Nothing is written for an hour, to indicate an hour going by.]

What the dickens is this? Something about some unemployed shepherd with d damaged coccyx, and these twins, the Pottery sisters, Febrile and Facile. Come on, now! What kind of names are those? And I don’t want to know how to make twinkies with a toothpaste filling!

Y’know, that guy Unknowable had the right idea: wait till the Old Man’s better, and let him deal with this. By Jove, I’ll run contests for him till we’re both blue in the face, but trying to read and make sense of Oy, Rodney is just not on the cards for me. Just the one chapter that I read–sort of!–was enough to make my own coccyx hurt–and I don’t have one!

Management will endeavor to restore normal service as soon as management stops feeling like death warmed over.

 

A Readers’ Revolt (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

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From March 20, 2022

Violet Crepuscular unleashed a storm of controversy with Chapter CDLXX of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, in which she asserted that a supernatural being in the form of Mickey Mouse dwelt in the cellar of the hovel inhabited by Mr. Bigcheeks, lineal descendant of the medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney.

“I have unleashed a storm of controversy with Chapter CDLXX of my epic romance, Oy, Rodney,” she writes. “The proles out there think Mr. Bigcheeks’ paranormal unexplained familiar is Mickey Mouse.

“Morons! Heretics! Do they think that I, the Queen of Suspense, do not know that Mickey Mouse did not exist in the Victorian Era? Do they think that I think some guy from Disney World was fomping around Mr. Bigcheeks’ cellar in a Mickey Mouse costume?”

She confesses that she has been snowed under with mail from readers objecting to her use of such a glaring anachronism–angry letters and emails from as far away as Solitude Island in the Russian Arctic, and the desolation that is Kerguelen Island in the South Atlantic. Or wherever it is.

“My sainted monkey!” she continues. “Haven’t these widget-cobblers figured out that if things can be sucked under the vicar’s backyard wading pool… things can also come out from under it? Do they presume to know exactly what kind of things–and beings!–can be spewed into our world from underneath the pool?

“And would they trust me, the Queen of Suspense, to provide a totally rational explanation for the apparent appearance [she’s on a roll] of Mickey Mouse in Victorian England? Heck, no! They just want to complain!”

Disney Mickey Mouse - Emmy Awards, Nominations and Wins | Television Academy

“I’ll get them for this,” Ms. Crepuscular adds. How she proposes to do that is a secret. “They’ll wish they were walled up in the Great Pyramid with Old King Cole, by the time I’m done with ’em.” We spare the reader any further fulminations. If you really want to read the whole thing, she’s scrawled it on the rest room wall at Jolly Cholly’s Ham House.