Tag: general silliness

Byron’s TV Listings (April 24) REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1961

From April 24, 2021

Tally-ho, and away we go! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s Quokka University TV listings. We show the stuff that none of the networks dared to show, back when. But we have to admit we don’t have sponsors like Gro-Pup. We do have Go-Gro Crayfish Food, but their advertising budget won’t grow anything bigger than a crayfish.

Anyway, here are a few samples of fantastically wonderful TV for your weekend. Just don’t tell anybody where you got it.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 02  GIRDLES GALORE–Fashion

You’ll never again have to ask, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Because you’ll have a Hollywood Girdle on under it! Hosts: Boris Karloff, Ayn Rand. With Gene Woodling’s Xylophone Orchestra.

Ch. 06  SPORTS NOBODY CARES ABOUT–Interviews

Howard Cosell interviews athletes who play sports you never heard of–Papuan egg-swallowing, speed crocheting from Estonia, 43-man Squamish, wheel barrow-throwing from the most isolated regions of Spain, and many others. Nominated for a Broken Coccyx Award!

Ch. 14  SHOOT ‘EM ALL!–Western

Sheriff Grendel (Alan Alda) recovers from having a load of bricks dumped on his head, but has now become a serial killer out for revenge–against whom, he doesn’t know. It’s up to shy schoolmarm Pam Spam (Joan Rivers) and plucky Deputy Horace Dawg (an animated root vegetable) to stop him. Toby: Steve Reeves  Mayor Motormouth: Nick Cravat

7:46 P.M.  Ch. 42  UNDERWATER BALLET NEWS–News

Anchor David Pong reports from underwater at Weeki Wachee while the famous Mermaids cavort all around him. Be sure to send away for the Bubble-Meister, or you won’t be able to understand a word David says–remember, he’s sitting underwater and it makes him sound funny.

8:01 P.M.  Ch. 16  MOVIE–Romance/Adventure

“The Lost City of Almost-Naked Women” (1970) finds the Bowery Boys exploring a lost city deep in the heart of Brooklyn. This was the first and last movie directed by Sen. Walter Mondale. Huntz Hall, Leo Gorcey.  Prof. Peedle: Arnold Stang  Dr. Von Schussnig: Zsa Zsa Gabor  Featuring the Bil Baird Puppets.

Well, that ought to be enough to get you started! And please let us know if you actually get a Bubble-Meister after you send away for one.

Violet Crepuscular’s Pulitzer Prize REPRINT

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Masanori Murakami, SF 1964: the first Japanese player in MLB | Baseball, Murakami, Baseball cards

Editor’s Note: We are unable to post our usual Oy, Rodney cover today. This vintage Masonori Murakami baseball card is the closest we can come to it.

From December 27, 2020

We find Violet Crepuscular–author of the epic romance novel, Oy, Rodney–feverishly rubbing a battery-powered camping lantern.

“I would not have it said that I am in any way superstitious,” she writes, “but I found this magic lamp for sale on eBay. All you have to do is rub it feverishly while reciting the correct incantation, and a genie will come out and grant your wish. But I’m having trouble with the incantation–Ia, Cthulhu! Ugthn mgawlwha fhtagn, Cthulu fhtagn! Or something like that–one of those crazy languages they speak in foreign countries, I don’t know how they can even hope to understand each other. But now that my neighbor Mr. Pitfall has nominated me for a Pulitzer Prize, I think I’ll need a genie’s help to seal the deal. It’s just that this incantation is devilish hard to pronounce! And I had two years of Latin in high school, too!”

Meanwhile, in Chapter CCCXCVII of her epic romance novel, Oy, Rodney, Ms. Crepuscular, who seems to have entirely lost her train of thought, has introduced a new character–Johnno the Merry Minstrel’s cousin, Ronno the Not At All Merry Minstrel. Ronno has just returned from spending twelve years as morale officer at a Siberian prison.

As soon as he steps off the train, Constable Chumley arrests him.

“Why in the world did you do that?” cries Johnno. “He only just got off the train!”

“Ay, liddie, but aw’ yon frythers macks a Whithle scray,” the constable explains. Johnno has to be content with that.

“In the next chapter,” promises Ms. Crepuscular, “the reader will be treated to non-stop action and well-nigh unendurable suspense!”

We can hardly wait.

Byron’s TV Listings (April 17) REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

From April 17, 2021

G’day, g’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of edifying TV brought to you by Quokka University and sources better left un-named. Hey, dig that ad for Bat Masterson, sponsored by Sealtest Ice Cream. We still have Sealtest here on Rottnest Island. I love their Eucalyptus Swirl!

Without further ado, here’s a little piece of our schedule.

7:26 P.M.  Ch. 29   Boating With Davy Jones

How much trouble can you get into in a rowboat? Watch Davy as he and celebrity guest Rosie O’Donnell wind up beached in a hot-tempered homeowner’s back yard! With Beto O’Rorke and his orchestra.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  The House of Atreus–Comedy

You think you’ve got troubles? Watch the look on Grandpa’s face when he finds out he’s just eaten his beloved grandchildren for supper. And then there’s Sisyphus (Phil Silvers) who’s almost got that boulder up the hill when it falls down again–right across his foot. Grandpa: Telly Savalas.  Mommy: Name Withheld.  Featuring John Kerry with some obnoxious hand puppets.

Ch. 12  Unexplained Paranormal Weird Mysteries–Educational (?)

Join host Barry White as he explores really puzzling enigmas: A student gets a C when he expected a B; a housewife finds a lost balloon in the last place she looks; Flossie the Cat will only do her tricks when no one’s looking. Special guest appearance by Andrew the Telepathic Turnip.

Ch. 14  Knockdown! Western Action–Western

TV’s only Western filmed in southern Philadelphia! Marshall Matt Falafel (Fong Hsueh Ting) rounds up a posse (the Lennon Sisters) to chase down inadequate-feeling bank robber Killer Kahn (Ramesses II) so he can be helped by Dr. Fanabla (Moms Mabley)… before he kills again!  Special Guest Star: A woman who looks unnervingly like Taras Bulba.

Ch. 21  Movie–Drama

In “Boil My Socks!” (1991), the ageless Bowery Boys discover a plot by Bela Lugosi to corner the market in bunion pads. Can they stop it before Dr. Scholl is driven out of business? Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Bela Lugosi: Godfrey Cambridge. Dr. Scholl: Max Von Sydow. Tinkle Bell: Chelsea Clinton. Chorus: several ears of corn.

Well, that ought to get you motivated for a weekend’s worth of truly subcutaneous TV viewing! What’s that? Who said I sound like Violet Crepuscular? You wait’ll I get my paws on you–!

That Woman in Moldy Knickers (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

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20 Terrible Romance Covers ideas | romance covers, romance, romance novels

From May 30, 2021

We join Chapter CDXXVI of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, in progress. That means she hasn’t finish writing it. And she has left Chapter CDXXV blank to denote that nothing in particular happened. I hope she’s all right.

As the new chapter opens, we have Constable Chumley, Johnno the Merry Minstrel, and the American adventurer, Willis Twombley, who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, holding a secret meeting to decide what to do about Lord Jeremy Coldsore’s sudden infatuation with the ghostly Woman in Moldy Knickers. They have been arguing for two solid hours over what to use as a password to open the secret meeting. Nobody wants to fall back on “Our Secret Password”–much too easy for any villain to figure out and use against them.

Finally Johnno comes up with “Mghawlwhg.” “It’s perfect!” he crepusculates. “No one will know how to pronounce it.” But this hope is dashed when the constable pronounces it easily. It turns out he says that all the time.

“Boys, we ain’t getting nowhere without a password,” Twombley says. “If we don’t come up with somethin’, Ol’ Germy’s marriage to Lady Margo will jist go belly-up! And I’ve got a stake in that, bein’ as she still thinks Germy and me are the same buckaroo.”

Eventually they discover that Chumley can’t say “catsup bottle,” so that’s the word they’ll use. The constable accepts it philosophically: “Aye, thurrup’s a frizzin baggy,” he declares. One cannot but agree.

That brings them to wondering if it will do any good to point out to Lord Jeremy that the Woman in Moldy Knickers has been dead for going on 600 years.

“To heighten suspense,” Ms. Crepuscular confides in her readers, “we will take that up in the next exiting chapter!” When she gets around to writing it, of course.

Byron’s TV Listings REPRINT

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What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

 

From April 3, 2021

G’day! Coming to you from somewhere on Rottnest Island, another weekend of spectacular TV! Just don’t ask us where we get it…

10:23 P.M.  Ch. 22  NEWS with The Three Stooges

Moe, Larry, and Curly deliver news, weather, pokes in the eye, and nyuk-nyuk-nyuks. Special guest: Bertrand Russell

10:30 P.M.  Ch. 31  ROUTE 216–Picaresque Cautionary Tale

Buzz and Fuzz finally manage to push their ancient Corvette past the 25-mph mark–and break into a parallel universe where socialism really works–for gigantic man-sized insects with a thirst for blood and fritters. Buzz: Pinky Lee   Fuzz: Bruno Sammartino  Big Bug: Prince Charles

27   Movie–Philosophical Reflections

“Momma Was a Crackerball!” (1997) The incredibly aged Bowery Boys have only two days to pull off a heist at Louie’s Soda Shop before a Bela Lugosi look-alike comes to collect their souls. Leo Gorcy, Huntz Hall. Lugosi Look-Alike: Dick Cavett. Old Man: Al Jolson.

18  SURVIVAL BOWLING

Can the celebrity contestants knock all the pins over before they release a noxious gas? Tonight’s guest bowlers: Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Una O’Connor, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Host: Tim McCarver. With Al Gore and his orchestra.

10:36 P.M.  Ch 44   OUR MISS FANGS–Situation Comedy

Wally Jumblatt (Soupy Sales) and his friends at Foogoo County Night School have to pass Miss Pikestaff’s course in Transylvanian Literature while avoiding her fangs–for this teacher is a vampire! Miss Pikestaff: Anne Blyth.  Pencilhead: Robert Young. Mr. Shotglass, the Principle: a medium-sized pumpkin.

Well, that’s that! We hope we have livened up your weekend.

Byron’s TV Listings, May 13 REPRINT

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TV Guide, August 11th 1991. Featuring an ad for the new Fox TV show 'Parker Lewis Can't Lose'! : r/90s

From May 13, 2023

Greetings and g’day, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s fabulous TV shows brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s just a wee sample of what we’ve rounded up for you!

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  SAPS!–Reality TV

Sometimes TV is so predictable! The TV detective always catches the bad guy, the TV doctor always saves the patient… But here’s the one show dedicated to those poor saps who never get it right! Tonight: Architect Barney Bock, whose entire subdivision fell into a sink-hole; and folk singer Nancy Hastur, now being sued for damages incurred when 1,000 panicked fans tried to flee her concert all at once. Host: Edsel Ford.

Ch. 19   Very Angry Hopping Mad News–News & commentary

Anchorman Mike Lava flies off the handle–he’s been known to bite studio staff–every time they air a news story… which is kind of unavoidable, this being a news program. Weatherwoman Jane Boombox screeches in a berserk rage at every symbol on her weather map. Really, no one here has the slightest notion of how to behave.

8 P.M.  Ch. 42  MY FRIEND FOOGIE–Horror/Sitcom

They think Little Eddie (Pat Buttram) has an imaginary friend, but Foogie the Invisible Vampire (Herbert S. Zim) is all too real! Tonight: Foogie preys on the June Taylor Dancers and polishes off three of them before Eddie puts his foot down. Community Organizer: Sen. Elizabeth Warren. Good news: Foogie gets her, too.

Ch. 57   MOVIE–Western with philosophical overtones

If you ever thought Gene Autry couldn’t match Plato dialogue for dialogue, think again! In Buckaroo Behemoth (Sicilian, 1966, with West German music score; 344 minutes), cowboys wander the Great Plains, pausing only to discuss deep intricacies of philosophy. Slim: Sir John Gielgud. Tex: Soupy Sales. Ma Fanabla: Marjorie Main.

Well, that ought to be enough to get you started on a weekend bacchanal of TV-watching!

Quokkas: why we need to look beyond the smile - Australian Geographic

Hurry, or there’ll be no popcorn left! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Comrade Xi’s Most Funny Jokings REPRINT

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Xi-Jinping: Latest News, Videos and Photos of Xi-Jinping | Times of India

From December 22, 2021

We thank Comrade Xi Jinping for letting us use his favorite funny jokings for our new book, The People’s Collective Most Funny Joking Book. Everybody laughs with great uproar at all his jokings! Here is a sample of perplexing funny riddles!

Q: What did the saddle say to the horse?

A: Nothing! (Ha, ha! Very funny, yes!)

Q: Why wasn’t the cowboy hungry?

A: Because he just ate. (Ho, ho!)

Q: What is the difference between a broken leg and a ham sandwich?

A: Shut up, you racist! (Never fails to get oodles of laughings.)

Q: Why did the lawn ornament Garden Gnome go to the doctor?

A: To get his COVID shot, it is Mandate! (Hee-hee-hee!)

See many more funny jokings in our book, The People’s Collective Most Funny Jokings Book! If you would like to give it to your friends as a most amusing present for a holiday, just send $400.95 (plus $75.49 shipping and handling) to President Comrade Jobydin!

Milestone! The 700th Chapter of ‘Oy Rodney’ REPRINT

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

From March 3, 2024

This here is the 700th chapter of the epic romance, Oy, Rodney, by The Queen of Suspense, Violet Crepuscular.

“They laughed at me when I began to write this novel,” she flosticates. “Well, where’s the laughter now! Eh? Eh? Even War and Whatchamacallit doesn’t have 700 chapters!”

In the last chapter, you will remember (or not), Picts invaded Scurveyshire and made off with the town’s park bench, unaware that the Royal Millipede Inspector was sleeping on it at the time. Imagine their incredulity when they discovered him! Several Picts plotzed!

“Wot’s yer name, blast yer eyes?” demands the Prime Pict. His accent is almost impenetrable. Fortunately they both speak Classical Swahili.

The inspector, however, does not know his name, it’s been so many years since he’s used it. “Call me Ishmael,” he suggests.

Meanwhile, the good folk of Scurveyshire are blaming Lord Jeremy Coldsore, in his incapacity as Justice of the Peace, for letting the Picts invade and make off with so much of their stuff. (They did not get Lady Margo Cargo’s wooden leg. That was a false alarm: it had simply rolled under her couch.)

“What do I have to do to please you?” he ululates.

“And that,” adds Ms. Crepuscular, “is where Suspense demands a chapter break!”

Byron’s TV Listings, June 10 REPRINT

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 12th through 18th, 1977

From June 10, 2023

 

G’day, G’day–and what is so rare as a day in June? And I’m Byron the Quokka, with the answer: some of these long-lost TV shows are even rarer! But we’ve rescued a bunch of them, just for you. For example:

3:56 P.M.   Ch. 08  NEWS IN A HURRY–News & commentary

It’s the same news you get at 6 o’clock, only they get it all done in just four minutes. Ideal for the viewer who wants to get the news but has’t got half an hour to devote to it. The tape is speeded up, so be prepared to listen fast! Anchor: Irwin Corey.

4 P.M.   Ch. 10  YOU CAN FLOSTICATE!–Educational (sort of)

Little-known outside of pro baseball, Arnold Kopplo was the uncrowned King of the Flosticators. Nothing else could have kept him going through 10 years of hitting under .200 and getting booed and assaulted by fans. Now his flostication secrets can be known! Host: Rusty Gates. Medium: Madame Mabel Sweeny.

Ch. 14   DEEP PHILOSOPHICAL MUSINGS–Pretentious twaddle

Dr. Frank Nodule, Last Chance University, tackles a thorny proposition: “Every person has the right to be served by servants and it should be government policy to see that this is so.” Voice of Opposition: A sane person drafted off the street. Panel of Judges: the June Taylor Dancers. (“Who will serve the servants’ servants?”)

4:30 P.M.   Ch. 29   MOVIE–Musical, uh… comedy

In Hold That Coccyx! (Ethiopian, 1954), Bob Hope and Max Von Sydow are chased through Foki Forest by Ethiopian bandits led by Hugh Beaumont. Music by Chiang Kai-shek and his orchestra. Hit song (Hope and Sydow), “Aaagh, It Only Hurts When I Sit Down!” Directed by Joe Garagiola.

Ch. 44   THE COODY FAMILY–Sitcom with tragic overtones

The only tragedy is that this bomb got made in the first place! This week: Jimmy Skull-Splitter (Dick Cavett) tries to muscle his way into an Icelandic saga; but only Aunt Club Moss (Jane Austen) can tell him how to find his way out of the house. Captain Ahab: Gregory Peck. Smiling Clump of Broccoli: Emma Bovary.

Well, folks, is that great programming, or what!

Quokkas Spotting - Where to see Rottnest Island's Quokkas

Byron the Quokka, signing off